To think that maybe the teenagers have a point?

[Milesandmilesandmiles]

Two teenagers in the house. Both fairly well behaved as teenagers go, but a fair amount of push back on doing chores. They are asked to do the dishwasher, to take out the recycling and tidy their rooms. Sometimes help bring the shopping in or other ad hoc task, nothing heavy duty as we have a cleaner. For each chore they get 50p pocket money top up.

However, the push back has escalated. They are fine with me but if DH asks them to do anything they say ‘why don’t you do it’ or ‘when was the last time you did the dishwasher’. DH thinks this is rude and disrespectful which I agree with to a point.

However, the thing is, DH does virtually nothing round the house. I was recently admitted to hospital for a few days and came back to find that there was no food shopping done, plates and cups all over the side, recycling on the floor, no washing done etc etc.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

What do they do to pull their weight in the house? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask kids to do 'stuff' while they're being supported by the parents.

This His bottom line is that the mess doesn’t bother him so he doesn’t see why he should do anything about it doesn't tie in with him telling your teens to do chores.
I have to admit that don't see/mind mess, so it doesn't occur to me to load the dishwasher, wash paw prints off the kitchen floor etc. therefore I wouldn't suggest DC do it either. Drives DH bonkers.

He must have seen the dirty plates on the side, lack of food and recycling on the floor. Did he seriously just leave it for you to do when you got back? Please don't say you got in from hospital and did a load of chores.

Kick him out. If he's a high earner, he can rent somewhere on his own and have a glorious time with the mess not bothering him.

Meanwhile you and your lovely children can share the chores fairly without also having to clean up after an enormous man-sized baby.

It will also be a good example to your children of what happens to/how to deal with people who don't pull their weight in relationships.

Well that's a silly claim from him.
If "the mess doesn't bother him" then surely he wouldn't be asking his kids to do something about it (empty the dishwasher etc), so he wouldn't be getting any pushback?

Of course he should be doing his fair share of housework, and should be setting a good example for the teenagers.

Wow. I thought this only happened to me.

If you're not satisfied with the amount of chores your husband does around the house, that's between the two of you, but both you and your husband work to support the family (particularly your children), and regardless of which parent is asking the teenagers to help with the odd light job, they shouldn't be pushing back. It doesn't sound like they're being asked to do much.

Maybe your husband should do more, but it's not the kids' place to point this out disrespectfully and use it as an excuse for not doing their share. How would you feel if they repeatedly brought up some area of life where you're perhaps underperforming and your DH just sat back and indicated that they had a point? It's disrespectful to speak to a parent this way, imo, and should be discouraged.

I agree with you.
I grew up in a household where mum worked PT and did EVERYTHING at home, dad full time and contributed nothing to housework.
And I vividly recall being a teenager and having mum ask me to do chores and I didn’t mind, but it rankled me every time dad suggested I do a job around the house as he didn’t do any. And I felt very much like I didn’t want to take instruction from him when it came to that sort of stuff.

Yes, I do too, but DH absolutely hates it, and frankly completely incompetent at it. He's much happier doing the laundry and washing up.

Well, when I got back from hospital he did start hurriedly loading the dishwasher then started muttering about the kids doing the recycling, which DS did without any fuss at that point (possibly having looked at me surveying the scene!)

I then started doing the washing as I’d already been out of action for a couple of days before being admitted to hospital so otherwise the kids would have had no clean uniform or sports kit to wear…

I actually think he would live in full mess and chaos if he was single, but he knows I can’t/don’t want to live like that and don’t want to bring the kids up like that either so there is recognition that these things need to be done, even if he doesn’t value them himself. Ultimately we could also run out of clean crockery so there is also that

And this is the flip side which I agree with to a point!

I then started doing the washing as I’d already been out of action for a couple of days before being admitted to hospital so otherwise the kids would have had no clean uniform or sports kit to wear…

That would have been the ideal teaching moment - you stagger off to bed telling them that they need to do the washing right away or they will have no clean uniform or sports kit,

You seem to be trying to find excuses as to why your husband can carry on being a lazy arse.
There is nothing wrong with teaching your children to help out with a few chores but your husband comes across as a complete knob.

The teenagers are completely out of order to speak to your husband like that. If I were him, I would stop their phones and their pocket money.

The disparity in chores between you and him seems wrong, assuming you both have the same amount of free time outside of work.

But, unless the teenagers are working all hours out of school on academic work, the school day is not nearly as stressful or hard as a job. And some of the chores, like tidying their own rooms, shouldn’t even be an issue.

It sounds like you both give them a very nice life and the quid pro quo for this is working at school and a minimal level of chores.

It's not modelling great behaviour is it. The fact he does bugger all, and then getting paid for chores, adults don't get paid for chores so kids shouldn't in my view (we do pocket money but not in payment of chores).

Perhaps if the whole household learned how respectful people live together and chip in together they can all learn a lesson.

Just because he is an adult I think doesnt mean automatic respect and to be honest he would lose my respect pretty damn quick

and OP he knows the chores need doing otherwise he wouldn’t ask would he - he recognises that they need doing but won’t do it himself

what is his argument for supporting him getting the kids to do things he won’t do himself to the point where he leaves it all to you

God, how lovely it must be to be so important. 🙄 I agree with pps, he's a complete hypocrite for a start, not to mention a CF. If living like a slob genuinely doesn't bother him, he wouldn't ask the teens to do anything, would he? Of course they're pushing back. It's a shit example he's setting them.

I think you need a serious chat with him - but not in front of the kids - along the lines of "here's my suggestion for a FAIR division of chores. If you won't do your share, ship out/pay someone to pick up your slack out of your own money, not family budget/suggest a viable alternative that doesn't just make you a self-important twat expecting Lesser Beings to do everything for you".

It all sounds a bit entrenched but I do think you're doing the right thing trying to change the balance. Either way, the teens do need to pull their weight regardless. Maybe there's a division of labour that will impact dh most if he ignores his part...

As a single parent my teenage/ young adult children have always been more helpful around the home than their friends. I suspect this is why, their friends have learnt that, like dad, if they don’t pull their weight then mum will do it. I distinctly recall when my son was around 13 I made a comment about him washing his own football kit, apparently none of the rest of the team knew how to work the washer 🤷🏻‍♀️

This!

This really is the argument in favour of household chores being shared. What is he doing when you are doing chores?

I would not be paying the kids a penny to deal with the dishwasher or shopping. You all live together, so you’re all chip in. Stop being a mug. Everybody is being out of order in your family.

Sounds like they have a pointhen.

How do you think that would go down in their future relationship? He is being a hypocrite; they can see it and are losing respect for him because of it. No point in them pretending otherwise.

I don't know how he doesn't feel embarrassed. Ordering everyone about when he does nothing himself. I feel ashamed for him.