To think that maybe the teenagers have a point?

[Milesandmilesandmiles]

Two teenagers in the house. Both fairly well behaved as teenagers go, but a fair amount of push back on doing chores. They are asked to do the dishwasher, to take out the recycling and tidy their rooms. Sometimes help bring the shopping in or other ad hoc task, nothing heavy duty as we have a cleaner. For each chore they get 50p pocket money top up.

However, the push back has escalated. They are fine with me but if DH asks them to do anything they say ‘why don’t you do it’ or ‘when was the last time you did the dishwasher’. DH thinks this is rude and disrespectful which I agree with to a point.

However, the thing is, DH does virtually nothing round the house. I was recently admitted to hospital for a few days and came back to find that there was no food shopping done, plates and cups all over the side, recycling on the floor, no washing done etc etc.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

Or cooking. Or picking up after him if it doesn't impact you

Does he have any good points?

Completely agree with them doing chores for pocket money, my parents were the same, I had to do homework, clean my room, put my washing away etc before I’d get £10 on a Saturday (I was about 14-15 at this age). But my parmets both did a huge amount round the house, he’s settinf a bad example, they probably feel like they’re being ‘used’ to pick up his slack if he’s not doing anything, which is probably how I would have felt at that age.

It seems so common for men to drift into ‘I’ve got a big job so can’t do housework’ - As a bare minimum he needs to do the functional stuff he would be doing if he lived alone. There is no excuse to never be cooking or tidying away after yourself. They are very basic things that everyone has to do- you don’t suddenly lose the ability to use a saucepan because you have had a promotion.

How are your teens contributing to the household - that's the question they need to answer.

I did a lot of dancing round DH's career back in the day, but I always had a very strict policy that when he came home he was just DH or Dad, and he was expected to muck in as part of the team. I think it's even more important than usual with these "big job" characters - no one is too grand to shower the dogs or take the bins out. It keeps it real and models healthy relationships to the kids.

@Rosiethewonderdog why? The question is how this awful marriage serves OP, how does it enhance her life? Is a slovenly misogynist good for her kids?

The teenagers do have a point.
So what, he has a "big job"
You also have a "big job"
The teenagers also have "big jobs", they have to go to school all day and they have homework on top of that, so it's not like they are sitting around all day doing absolutely nothing. Granted they get longer summer holidays and they could do more chores then or larger chores that might take a bit longer - sorting out a cupboard, or something in the garden for example.

He needs to start pulling his weight. (And the teenagers mustn't be allowed to use him doing nothing as an excuse for them also doing nothing).

Sounds like they're right.

The silver lining is perhaps they're getting a better life lesson out of this than you could ever give them by just talking to them about it.

...and given that, I think it's important you absolutely don't back down, and maybe subtly tell them you agree and that you're pleased they've figured that out.

the mess doesn’t bother him so he doesn’t see why he should do anything about it
Wow, is he so brazenly selfish and egotistical in all aspects of life? How do you put up with it? Isn't it embarrassing?

He's not above doing jobs. He needs to set an example.

This. I am also very sceptical that so many "big jobs" actually exist. Every other lazy man seems to have one.

It doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you at all.

Are you happy with him or is this symbolic of how he perceives you?

I wonder if the mess would bother him if you stopped doing housework too.

My prediction is yes, because he would see that as a dereliction of your duty.

He doesn't leave mess because it doesn't bother him, he leaves it because he feels entitled to.

If they’re home at 4pm and
you’re both not home until 6pm then yeah the then they should be doing more.

so maybe the kids need to do more.

Ah he thinks he's too good and of too high a status for domestic chores. That's rubbish. It's important for family dynamics that everyone takes care of each other and the shared space.

Well I don't agree with paying children/teens for doing basic things around the house. I agree with paying decent pocket money (how much depends on what you can afford/what they need to buy out of it), but not job related. Chores allocated because they live there too, same for requests.

in your position with your useless DH, I would say to him 'you do fuck all around the house. Don't be giving the kids jobs that you should be doing yourself'

obviously there will be some kick back & then I'd be telling him that if he doesn't want to be divorced he can stop giving the kids jobs. No debate.

As for the kids I'd be giving them set jobs & telling them the situation has nothing to do with their Dad does or doesn't do around the house. This is their part of being in the family home & growing up to be responsible adults who can look after themselves.

teach them household stuff & turn them into adults who can go to in/house share & not be incompetent, irritating idiots.

Then tell your useless DH he starts cleaning up after himself (at the very least) or he can expect divorce papers in the post).

Digital high five to your kids for identifying the inequality of the situation and calling out the perpetrator.
Sounds like your husband is the disrespectful one who thinks that the house chores are beneath him.

I have the ‘big job’ in our house. Can I use this excuse too please lol

By paying your teenagers for chores you are giving then the same attitude as your DH.
You should do chores as an able member of the household not because you are being paid. Otherwise you can opt out of then when you can afford to- like your DH.

I don’t pay teens for these jobs as they’re “household necessities”. But surely your dh works a full time job so his salary is inputting into the household… I’d say that balances out teens minor chores.

as for him being lazy - that’s between you and him. Don’t involve teens in your arguments.

Seriously though. Your kids are right. They need to see their father proportionately help out too. My husband has a less stressful job than me but sometimes hours will be longer and we still apportion the running of the house load. For example, I’ll make dinner, he’ll come home from work and put the baby to bed whilst I plate dinner up and then we’ll divide up the workload before we sit down and relax to spend some time together.

Tell him he only has 4+ years to sort out his relationship with his children and then they'll vote with their feet. If you've lost respect for his entitled arse, maybe you'll do the same? Retirement with him sounds extremely dull X

Good on your kids!!! They clearly understand the importance of unpaid labour around the house and how it’s not just the role of their mother - your husband clearly needs a lesson in this however…

Can't think of any man less attractive than your DH who thinks he is more important than all of you combined in the house. 🤢

He think you are his mum or servant basically...

Honestly sometimes I still feel this way about my dad when I go to theirs for lunch on Sunday 🥲 my mum cooks and I help her - plus she does cleaning and general house work.

But then my dad does the clearing up and the dishes. He also deals with the garden, cars, DIY, bills, booking holidays etc so it probably does balance out.

Would that be the case for your DH too? 😬