To think that maybe the teenagers have a point?

[Milesandmilesandmiles]

Two teenagers in the house. Both fairly well behaved as teenagers go, but a fair amount of push back on doing chores. They are asked to do the dishwasher, to take out the recycling and tidy their rooms. Sometimes help bring the shopping in or other ad hoc task, nothing heavy duty as we have a cleaner. For each chore they get 50p pocket money top up.

However, the push back has escalated. They are fine with me but if DH asks them to do anything they say ‘why don’t you do it’ or ‘when was the last time you did the dishwasher’. DH thinks this is rude and disrespectful which I agree with to a point.

However, the thing is, DH does virtually nothing round the house. I was recently admitted to hospital for a few days and came back to find that there was no food shopping done, plates and cups all over the side, recycling on the floor, no washing done etc etc.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

Hm.

My SD went through a phase of this. What she didn't/doesn't know is that whilst DH does more of the practical work around the house, I do ALL of the admin and mental load. I organise all appointments, parties, Christmas and birthday presents, childcare arrangements, bill paying, dealing with the phone company or the energy supplier when there's hiccups, meal planning and shopping lists. I manage all the finances and ensure that everything we pay for we get a good deal on. I book and organise the payment for all the holidays, days out, educational experiences. She doesn't see any of that.

I'm not sure it's really up to your teenagers to make judgements on how you as a couple decide to split the household labour. The chores you list are very reasonable for teenagers. If you aren't happy with the amount your DH does, that should be a conversation between you and him, and children shouldn't be involved.

Yeah, you're prepared to put up with his bullshit but they're not, and good on them!

Yep, he's setting a terrible example.

This is why we have generation after generation of useless men. You don't mention if the kids are boys or girls, but if you have DS he's going to grow up to be exactly the same, thinking men with "big jobs" don't have to do the cleaning as the woman will do it.

This is very depressing.

It doesn't bother him? It bothers the rest if you, and he purports to love you all (I assume), and he lives in the house, so that should be enough to mean he does the chores regardless.

What a disrespectful idiot. He wants respect from the teens but treats you all like dog muck. Why on earth should they respect him? It goes both ways.

The kids will be out as soon as they can, will never have a decent relationship with him as they know he doesn't respect them, and will look down on you for being a complete doormat.

He needs to change or get out of the household of which he isn't a part anyway.

I switched my teen away from chore focused pocket money.

Now DD nearly 17, gets £25 per week on the understanding;

1. She is a participant in the house, does her chores and participates in keeping our home nice at all times;
2. This money covers any school lunches, bus fares, hair products, spends with friends, personal spends on any coffee/drinks etc.

Its had the dual purpose of giving her more fiscal responsibility, plus she doesn't ask me for things now.

Funny enough since we have switched to this payment DD is much better around the house, usually makes her own lunch (as she knows this means more ££ for her), and isn't so keen on spending £5 in Starbucks now.

This works well with DD who is nearly 17.
I'm not sure it will work as well with my 13 years old - maybe when she is older.

You children occupy space in a home that should be everyones responsibility to take care of. I don't have a P so I don't have the issues that you do re your H no participating in the home chores. But I would say be very very careful about setting yourself up as the house elf. You aren't doing your teens any favours by indulging them..

I remember at 12 years old my mother trying to get me to do the ironing for my stepfather and brother. That was a big fat no from me. I did mine and hers and it caused a massive drama but like fuck was I going to skivvy around after males who did fuck all in the house. Tbh I had very little respect for my mother for accepting this from them so you're faring somewhat better than my mother did if your teens do do as you tell them.

What makes it different now?

As in, why have you put up with it for so long?

I wouldn't have got as far as kids with someone who was like this.

My partner does his own washing, and all the cooking.

You are raising kids who will expect the same of their own lives/partners instead of splitting things equally.

Unless he lives in the garden shed, part of the work is his responsibility.

My partner and I both work full time in "big jobs" 😂 So nothing would get done if we had that attitude. And living in a shit heap is for teenagers, not functioning adults.

Why would you put up with his complete lack of respect for everyone he shares a home with? Of course he isn't bothered by the mess - he knows full well that you (or the kids) will clean it up before the house turns into a total hovel!
He's literally taking the piss out of you and you're allowing it.

You need him to move out if he's not willing to be part of a team and respect you. There's no point to him at all if there's no respect - respect is more important than love imo. And a man who loved you wouldn't sit on his arse being the big "I am" and let his wife do everything.

He's also trashing his relationship with the children - they'll grow up to despise him and pity you. This is not what you want from and for your kids.

50p!!!!

That was my first thought!

I would tell him that their disrespect towards him is the price he pays for his disrespect towards you, and that if he makes the effort to contribute proportionally you will back him up. And I would tell them that they need to contribute proportionally too, or they are as bad as him.

@Milesandmilesandmiles good work on the washing. You’re trying to teach the kids that until/unless they can afford to pay someone (most of us can’t) then chores are everyone’s responsibility. DH is not exempt, so yes, don’t tidy up after him. He also needs educating that while ideally kids should respect him, he is being hypocritical here and doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

That's a separate conversation for the OP to have with her dh.

How about you and the kids all cook for just the three of you . Each person tidies after themselves.
He can wash his own dishes he can shop his own food he can cook his own and clean his own dishes .

Tell husband unless he pulls his weight as part of a team he is on his own .

I'd set up a balanced and fair chore rota as a family. Everybody needs to be on it to a level that reflects how much time and responsibility they have (so teens would't be doing DHs laundry for example). No money for completing chore rota. However, if DH would like to pay a teen to cover any of his own items he is welcome to arrange that.

It is difficult when you have different standards, and it's not nice being the person forever made to feel you don't live up to someone else's standards (nor the person who feels they never get to.live as nicely as they would by themselves). But DH needs.to get on-board right now for the sake of his kids learning how to manage these things peacefully and as a team.

Fucking hell, what a man you have there eh? Too important to contribute to the house. Too important to keep things going when you’re in the bloody hospital.

Also, stop paying your teens to ‘help.’ It’s not helping it’s contributing to the running of a house which everyone should pitch in with. My 9 yr old does that without me bribing her with money.

Sounds like you've raised two sound kids.

The situation you returned to from hospital is inexcusable.

Rota time...

I think a lot of Dads have form for this sort of thing.

How many fathers tell their Dc to get off their screens then sit on one themselves!

Thankfully DH got a wake up call when I said to one of our Dc who was about 3 at the time.
“ Didn’t I tell you time for watching the ipad was finished. You are to stop now please.”

“ But mummy I like to be watching a long time like Daddy.” 😂 Thankfully I seldom get round to watching anything so I could thoroughly enjoy the incident! DH looked a bit awkward.

What’s he going to do when he hasn’t got a “Big Job”

Offer him 50p each time you ask him to do something.

I'm afraid the mess you confronted coming back from being in hospital would be one of those things which I would find very hard to move on from - the contempt and the lack of care and respect is appalling. I'd be very disappointed in the children and absolutely furious with my husband.

Ha, I've a "big job", but I'm also a single mum, so do everything around the house (except I've a cleaner once a week).

Even if he has a big job, he's not in work 24 hours a day, so plenty of time to do his share.

To be honest I’d rather do your list than the practical stuff. Most of that I do because I want to/ enjoy organising the deals, bookings etc.

They have a point. Also the 50p is meaningless and an insult to a teenager - either they are required to do something because everyone in the household has to do something and they don't get paid, or they get a proper amount.

They are just being manipulative to get out of chores and doing their fair share. Surely your DH does other things to keep everything running that the kids don’t realise? Maybe encourage to start thinking how their own actions have consequences and not to be focusing on others. I wish my DH would chuck the occasional bleach down the loo, but it never happens. He does plenty of other useful things so I let it ride.