To think that maybe the teenagers have a point?

[Milesandmilesandmiles]

Two teenagers in the house. Both fairly well behaved as teenagers go, but a fair amount of push back on doing chores. They are asked to do the dishwasher, to take out the recycling and tidy their rooms. Sometimes help bring the shopping in or other ad hoc task, nothing heavy duty as we have a cleaner. For each chore they get 50p pocket money top up.

However, the push back has escalated. They are fine with me but if DH asks them to do anything they say ‘why don’t you do it’ or ‘when was the last time you did the dishwasher’. DH thinks this is rude and disrespectful which I agree with to a point.

However, the thing is, DH does virtually nothing round the house. I was recently admitted to hospital for a few days and came back to find that there was no food shopping done, plates and cups all over the side, recycling on the floor, no washing done etc etc.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

See, this is just not very nice is it. Because basically he's saying "I know this thing really bothers you, but it doesn't bother me at all, so frankly who gives a fuck about your views on it I'm going to do what I want to do anyway".
In our house I am the messy one, my standards are much lower, I dint care about plates on the side etc. BUT...I know it bothers dh, so I try as hard as possible to notice more and pull my weight for him. I know he doesn't like it and I love him and don't want him to be stressed by his environment.....

Depends on how long hours each member of the family is working.

My husband has a ‘big job’ - think CEO of global company- but also does laundry/gardening/dishwasher/ taking stuff to tip when he’s here. There’s no excuse in being a self important prick who’s too important to get some shopping in and wipe down the kitchen when you’re in hospital.

…hope you didn’t !

Your husband is a lazy fucker! He’s thoughtless and does not respect you. It’s a finger up to you and all you do to run the house. I would have list my shit at him. At all of them infact. You are the scivy im afraid. Your husband is being a hypocritical tit. Your kids are right. They all need to do more!!

Com’on. You know the answer op.

However, they also need to respect the house routine and if you accept that hubby doesn’t have to, they really shouldn’t put their nose into it. Your relationship is no way their business neither a reason for them to disrespect their dad. They can disagree. Quietly.

Good luck 🌺

Monkey see, monkey do. Same with kids and parents.

Yes, does he sit in a chair watching you do housework sighing 'ooh, so tired from doing my big job all day'?

What he does or doesn’t do in the house is between you and him. It’s disrespectful to you to leave so much to you. The state of the house after you’d been in hospital and the fact that he hadn’t made sure clean uniform was available would probably be the point I’d seriously question my marriage. However, all of that is between you as the adults. I’m assuming the children aren’t paying the mortgage, food bills, holidays etc etc, so when either person who is putting food on the table and a roof over their heads asks them to help then they should, with no pushback. Teens will be teens though, but you should call out their behaviour because it is unacceptable.

Respect for parents who put a roof over their heads would be the bare minimum.
Well said.

I only have 1 toddler so a different situation, however I have recently dropped from full time to 14 hours a week so my husband is now the main earner and he is still doing basic chores. Because we both live here and make the mess!

The teenagers have a point
your husband should lead by example

My husband works more hours than I do (he is FT, I am part time since going back to work after our youngest was born), and he still does some chores around the house. Admittedly I do the lions share of the housework, plus all meal planning & making, all of the life admin / child sports admin & most of the school runs (driving 10 mins to a private school and a nearby junior school). But he does do things in the house, and does all of the DIY and garden / land maintenance which isn’t insignificant as we have almost 10 acres. Inside he’ll often unload the dishwasher or put some washing on / hang washing out. Our children both muck in with the chores as they are expected to, but also I suppose because they see both parents doing it too.

Giving extra money for doing chores? Not the best life lesson.

Dh works long hours, we run our own business - sometimes he's out of the house 14 hours a day - he earns well, allowing our family to live a very comfortable lifestyle.

If he has been up working from 5am and getting home at 9pm - I am damned sure he doesn't need to be doing household chores when he gets home - he has contributed enough. I work part-time. At the weekends he'll muck in, sometimes he needs to catch up on sleep. Sometimes he has more work to do.

One of my adult kids (temporarily unemployed at the time) - questioned why dh wasn't on the nightly cooking rota or doing the dishes and he got a sharp response - everyone is expected to contribute to the running of the household but everyone's contribution is not the same.

Some contribute money and some time.

OP if you are not happy with your dh's contribution that's a discussion you need to have with him not your kids - your kids need to contribute to the household by doing chores, how you and your dh divide up the rest is up to you both to agree.

Parents don't deserve anything in return for meeting their legal obligations. If you choose to have children, you have to provide them with housing, food, etc. Children don't owe their parents for that.

Children learn from an early age whow their household runs and learn from example.
Both sons are in their 20s and have their own home. One has an average job with lots of overtime, the other has and I'm cringing 😬 when I type this, but in mn parlance ' a big job' where he travels to London and Ireland frequently ( we live in the north)
However both sons wash clothes, batch cook clean the toilet and bathroom etc. To them it's normal. That's how we worked as a family. If I was working dh would change the bed linen, take the boys to Morrisons for the weekly shop, iron school uniforms etc. When dh was working I'd do it.
We all live in the same space.
We never gave them money for chores either. Sure they had pocket money but I wouldn't give money for something that is expected to keep a house running.

Have you only recently tried to get the children involved with housework? Someone gave me advi e years ago and that was to have routines from toddler age. I'm not talking about heavy duty stuff but clothes in the laundry basket, make bed ( with help of course) they put toys away at the end of day etc. Its not such a shock from doing nothing to asking to do chores.

If everyone does a little, no one does a lot!
However you do have a Dh issue!

@EightChalk ,

‘Parents don't deserve anything in return for meeting their legal obligations. If you choose to have children, you have to provide them with housing, food, etc. Children don't owe their parents for that.’

I couldn’t disagree more with that statement.

Of course, children don’t choose to be born, but most are pretty happy to be here if you ask them.

And the OP and her husband (and most people on MN) clearly provide way in excess of their legal obligations.

Teenagers are members of a household and are both able and have an obligation to contribute in an age appropriate way. All members of the household need to contribute, and going out and earning money, although not the be all and end all, is a significant contribution. So, if their father is working 8 hours (prob min) a day to earn money, the very least they should be doing is looking after their own rooms and some basic household chores.

They are not the lords of the household who should have endless privilege and no respect or obligations in return. I don’t see how that kind of attitude will ever allow teens to perform effectively at either university or in a job, and we are seeing the result of that in workplaces now.

You might also ponder whether the last decade or two of Anglo Saxon Western culture in terms of family obligations is the correct solution, when 90% of the world still expects and gets decent respect and contributions from their teenage children.

Couldn't agree more. Children who are taught that their parents are obligated to provide for them and they are required to do nothing in return is surely encouraging a generation of entitlement.
I didn't ask to be born - you chose to have me you should look after me for the rest of your life - this is not such an unusual statement for an adult child to make now - they like to have it all now - their care free independence whilst insisting that it's your responsibility to fund and look after them. If they go to Uni it's likely they won't get to anywhere near independence till 21 years old - even then most will be at home till their 30's, refusing to contribute suits them well..

Obviously he should, but then teenagers who drink could apply the same logic if their parents are drinking at home, or older teens/young adults that don’t want to work if they’ve had a SAHP, or who want to get a tattoo etc. At the end of the day adults have the freedom of choice because they are adults and are completely responsible for their own lives. Teenagers are not and different rules apply. The only people who should be discussing the point, which is an absolutely valid one btw, is the OP and her husband. The teenagers should do their bit to help around the house as they are fortunate enough to enjoy the seemingly very comfortable life their parents give them. When they start contributing to the household costs/mental load of running a home, they can argue the toss about these things.

Can't believe you think kids being disrespectful to their parents is ok.

Parents deserve respect, especially from their children.

When a child is asked to do a chore by a parent and they respond with "why can't you do it".... there's a problem.

There are people who were never taught respect, they grow up to have no respect for teachers, nurses, supermarket staff etc.
Show me a person screaming down at the cashier/ receptionist and I'll show you a person who doesn't respect their parents.

Respect starts from home, if you can't teach your kids that, you're not doing them any favours.

Parents might be doing whatever job atm, but I know most have struggled during the early years. My DF had two jobs, was hardly ever at home whilst my DM worked all hours whilst also putting herself through higher education.
As much as we didn't choose to be born, it was so they could provide well for us.

Family means supporting each other.
You wouldn't ask a toddler to do chores, but at a certain age, it's about helping them be better people when older.

Used to be sent to the grocery store to buy break and milk, can't imagine ever answering back to my parent "why can't you go"....

They've been times when I haven't touched the hoover for weeks and DH does it and other times when he's shattered and I do the chores. We carry each oother when the other isn't coping.

OP and her DH are a seperate issue from the kids. They should be a united front and kids should respect both parents.

Manners make man.

They may have a point but it is disrespectful to their father. They're being raised well, we do as you do. You drink at home so why not them, you smoke so why not them, you have tattoos so why not them.

When they get a job and are asked to do something they can just tell their boss to do it themselves if they don't want to.

He needs to lead by example.

DH needs to realise that respect is earned, not demanded. They see him for who he is, a lazy bastard who’s happy for you to pick up the slack. No wonder they don’t respect him.

It's really difficult to tell children living in a house that they should respect a lazy parent.

What you're essentially telling them is that they need to respect the "office" of parent, as it were, even if the office-holder (their dad) is quite shit at it.

I suppose it's sort of like having a shit teacher, but still being polite and obedient because although you might not respect them personally, you respect their role.

I find this quite tricky tbh because the role of parent is quite different to that of teacher. As a parent, you're modelling healthy relationships and healthy boundaries to your children for future life. If you expect them to accept unequal responsibilities and disrespectful behaviour within family like, then this normalises it for the future. I'm not sure that children shouldn't be able to speak up and say "No, the way you're behaving isn't right" in family life.