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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by this

376 replies

Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 21:57

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

OP posts:
BagettesCheesey · 13/10/2024 21:58

DP problem I think. Can you bin him off?

username3678 · 13/10/2024 21:59

Karen?

Scarydinosaurs · 13/10/2024 22:00

Dump him.

Original poster
Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 22:01

@BagettesCheesey he is otherwise a lovely, kind and generous man. My worry is due to the age gap he would never consider being with her but there is something there. Iv asked him to dig deep and reflect on this.

OP posts:
sommerjade · 13/10/2024 22:01

I think you're right to be offended & angry at both of them.

Original poster
Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 22:01

Not Karen but I empathize with all Karen’s. It’s such a bore.

OP posts:
TealSapphire · 13/10/2024 22:01

Yeah I'm not easily offended either, but your partner really is not cool to see no problem with that. Has he been talking to her negatively about you?

JMSA · 13/10/2024 22:02

What an absolute bitch she is!

TroubleMakingWitch · 13/10/2024 22:03

Is it quite a unique name? And was the name central to the joke? Just trying to figure out if it is as a generic joke or very obvious it would be referring to you?

Plaidandapple · 13/10/2024 22:03

No. It's pretty rude. I'd also wonder what your DP has said to her to make her think sending something like this is acceptable/ would be funny to him.

No33 · 13/10/2024 22:03

I'd be asking wtf they have been talking about!

Original poster
Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 22:04

I cannot see him talking negativily about me but I wonder if little jokes at my expense have creeped in? Seemingly harmless but setting a scene for her.

outside of this I’d say he is a man of integrity and emotional maturity. Which makes it worse I think.

OP posts:
bergamotorange · 13/10/2024 22:04

he is otherwise a lovely, kind and generous man Not that lovely or kind.

I think you're underreacting tbh. I'd reconsider the relationship.

Plaidandapple · 13/10/2024 22:05

Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 22:01

@BagettesCheesey he is otherwise a lovely, kind and generous man. My worry is due to the age gap he would never consider being with her but there is something there. Iv asked him to dig deep and reflect on this.

Are you quite sure he would not consider being with her?

TroubleMakingWitch · 13/10/2024 22:07

No33 · 13/10/2024 22:03

I'd be asking wtf they have been talking about!

Yeah I thought this too. Would be tempted to ask to see their messages!

Original poster
Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 22:08

@Plaidandapple i asked him when we got together. He swears he doesn’t see her that way. But unless you’re a mind reader how do you know.

I told him I was hurt, that I was unhappy at the boundaries in their relationship and that I needed him to really think about what he wanted because I deserved better than being someone’s consolation prizes. He said he didn’t need to and that he’d talk to her about the TikTok but I agree with the pp, it’s not enough and I feel I have underreacted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 22:08

@TroubleMakingWitch he offered but I said no? I thought that was a dark path but maybe I should?

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 22:10

Fuck it. @TroubleMakingWitch

my name is Donna and it’s Donna kebab. And because she had kids, bet it really is like a kebab down there.

OP posts:
Plaidandapple · 13/10/2024 22:11

Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 22:08

@Plaidandapple i asked him when we got together. He swears he doesn’t see her that way. But unless you’re a mind reader how do you know.

I told him I was hurt, that I was unhappy at the boundaries in their relationship and that I needed him to really think about what he wanted because I deserved better than being someone’s consolation prizes. He said he didn’t need to and that he’d talk to her about the TikTok but I agree with the pp, it’s not enough and I feel I have underreacted.

I'd make it clear that it is inappropriate. Hopefully, it won't happen again, otherwise I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

I'm sure his relationship with her is harmless. But don't be naive. Keep one eye on the two of them.

BettyBardMacDonald · 13/10/2024 22:12

Plaidandapple · 13/10/2024 22:03

No. It's pretty rude. I'd also wonder what your DP has said to her to make her think sending something like this is acceptable/ would be funny to him.

This x1000.

He's clearly receptive to it.

Bin.

Pigeonqueen · 13/10/2024 22:13

Ermmm you need to pull the wool out of your eyes! He’s a dick and so is she. He’s not discouraging her, is he?

Roastiesarethebestbit · 13/10/2024 22:13

That’s gross of her and I’d expect him to tell her so.

Trailblazin · 13/10/2024 22:14

So, that’s a real shame but you know you need to dump this guy now don’t you? Don’t waste anymore time with this absolute shit.

It’s 100% not ok. If anyone sent me something like that about my dh they’d cease to be my friend. The fact she sent it shows she knew he’d be okay with it.

Plaidandapple · 13/10/2024 22:14

Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 22:10

Fuck it. @TroubleMakingWitch

my name is Donna and it’s Donna kebab. And because she had kids, bet it really is like a kebab down there.

Yea that's a really inappropriate thing to send. How old is she? Pretty immature of her and an immature joke at that!

DoYouReally · 13/10/2024 22:14

Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 22:10

Fuck it. @TroubleMakingWitch

my name is Donna and it’s Donna kebab. And because she had kids, bet it really is like a kebab down there.

That's an unbelievablely rude thing to send.

I would be vilid with him if he hadn't responded back with "completely inappropriate and not appreciated".