To be offended by this

[Strawberries86]

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

That really is shitty. So sorry OP.

I would struggle to see why she would I send this if it was completely meaningless?

It's a shit joke. And it's offensive. And if she was a decent woman would she risk sending this knowing it could possibly offend him and/or you!?

Makes me wonder what has been said previously to make her think this was safe territory to venture into!

That's offensive. You're right that you're under-reacting.

She has no class but he is the one you have a problem with. Ask yourself why she thought he would be comfortable receiving that Tiktok. It's not the kind of random joke spam you might share. Given your name, it's in very bad taste. A nice man wouldn't find that funny at all. I wouldn't dream of sending that to any of my male friends (I'm female) despite being close for 30+ years with some of them.

if you have her contact details with the tiktok, just message her that he is all hers.

CC him in.

Honestly @Strawberries86 I would be asking. It just feels off to me.

Er... So just to clarify, in a roundabout way he's making jokes about you having a damaged vagina with a younger female "friend"? Or she's making these jokes brazenly to him?

Yeah I think you're under reacting tbh. I have very close male friends who are in happy marriages, me taking cheap shots at their wives foofs would be an absolute friendship ender. They'd never see me again because they actually like and respect their wives.

He's absolutely spineless to not read her the riot act for that at the very least. Makes me wonder how many little "jokes" the two of them have been making at your expense.

I was really calm with him but I’m really heartbroken. I know there’s loads of posts on here where women say “oh usually he’s a great guy” but this man is so gentle and thoughtful and all the amazing stuff. I’m so gutted because I know what you’re all saying is right but I can’t marry up this incident with the rest of the 18 months.

iv told despite talking last night im not ok and we need to properly talk about it some more. I want to say i under reacted and how bad it really is.

Have to agree I can't imagine making that sort of joke about the wife / partner / GF or any of my male friends. And if I did, I expect them to think I was behaving in a weird, almost jealous way, and stay a million miles away from me from then on.

She's after him and I'd be expecting him to fuck her right off

@Strawberries86 that's bloody awful 😟

Ùrgh. I would never joke about any vaginas with a male colleague. Completely inappropriate. She must also know that your DP's partner of 18 months is called Donna and has children. Shes basically suggesting to him that sex would be better with someone who hadn't had children ( like her).

If he doesn't immediately block her on everything without needing to be asked to, all you're seeing is a little slip of the perfect mask he's been wearing for 18 months. That's usually when the cracks start to show anyway.

Up to you if you then decide you want to stay with someone so utterly spineless and wet who has so little respect for you as a human being he accepts jokes about your vagina from other women 🤷‍♀️

She was taking the piss out of you but he’s clearly said something about you.

I know of a man who talks about his partner to another woman and he is utterly vile. This is the exact sort of thing he would send with her.

She sounds truly vile and lacking in class but the fact that she sent it to him does sound like there may have been a couple of digs or slights prior to this. Or some sort of background joke of sorts.
On the minor chance she has completely misread the situation and your husband has no interest make sure he absolutely tells her how wrong this is. If he can’t see that he is worthless and as bad as her.
Sorry as you sound lovely ❤️.

I have to agree.

It looks like she is trying to belittle you, by sharing a sexist joke, aimed at women of a certain age that have had children. As if to say; 'but hey, I don't have that because I'm young and childless, pick me!'

I would be asking him exactly why she feels comfortable enough to send him something that is clearly disrespecting you.

Well I would assume you are a topic of conversation between the two of them and that the talk about you is not complimentary. That is a betrayal of your relationship.
He is not a nice man.
I think you should be asking him to draw back from his relationship with this woman because he obviously does not have appropriate boundaries in place with her.

She wouldn't have sent it if she thought he might be upset or react badly.

Which means she knows that he's receptive to hearing nasty jokes about you.

Which means he probably has been speaking negatively about you to her.

I think, if anything, you're undereacting. This isn't innocent, and he isn't nice.

I was about to make the exact same post.

she knows that he's receptive to hearing nasty jokes about you.

Yes, and I'd want to ask him why.

Ahhh mate 😔 you’re not overreacting. She knows EXACTLY what she’s doing, horrible little witch. He should have replied immediately in your defence. The fact that he didn’t is disrespectful to you. If he brings it up now it will be glaringly obvious it’s come from a discussion with you. Don’t give her the satisfaction!
also it’s a stupid shitty joke and not even funny.

I cannot think of any male friends or colleague I know, that I would be comfortable enough to send them a joke about their partner or wife, let alone one so vulgar. It's just crossing a line.

It's bad enough she sent it but his lack of reaction would be enough to get rid of him. If he hasn't got your back and doesn't have boundaries, it would be the end.

That was a disgusting thing for her to do, and he should have reacted accordingly. And didn't.

The only saving grace is this: it obviously took a while to sink in with you, hence asking our opinion. Maybe he's got the same problem - can't believe she'd do that, thinks he should give her the benefit of the doubt etc etc.

You need to introduce some clarity. No prolonged analysis. Just say you can't be with someone who would allow a friend to insult his partner like that.

My best friend is male. No way would he ever have mocked my DH to me. Far from it. He liked and respected him. If my friend had ever sent something like that to me, he'd have been toast.

@thebrollachan younare exactly right. I went to sleep right after annoyed. I woke up at 3am thinking about and we spoke. But I was so calm and too generous I think. Then all day Iv felt awful. And now I just feel sick.

It’s been a massively delayed reaction.

Don’t worry about the delayed reaction. Sometimes it takes a while to fully sink in because we’re so conditioned to ‘be cool’ with shit and not ‘make a fuss’. This is beyond f’ed up that this is going on between them, you def need to see those messages since he offered.

This, OP. Why would she think he'd be OK with this?

I'm sorry.