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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by this

376 replies

Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 21:57

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 17/10/2024 05:40

AtTheStream · 16/10/2024 22:11

What I would say…. he obviously wasn’t expecting any kind of joke at your expense or reference to you, he would not have asked you to open it if he was. This doesn’t indicate a ongoing lack of respect to you.

The video is incredibly offensive and in poor taste. But I think it’s just that. Her poor taste.

Not a chance. There is a back story to this. Why else would this woman send something so specific to the OP, and be so sure it wouldn’t offend him ?

Original poster
Strawberries86 · 17/10/2024 09:52

At the risk of making at least 320 posters roll their eyes at me….

We talked about it, I got the reaction I needed. He said he zoned out about 3 seconds in and only really understood what it was when I lost it and he found it on YouTube. He asked that as he’s only ever been honest with me, I give him the benefit of the doubt, he offered to show me his phone and swore he has never talked about me in any way that could be considered negative.

He messaged her, showed me these, she said she thought it was funny and didn’t owe me an apology. He blocked her there and then.

I want to give it a go, I explained about the boundaries in our relationship and what bothered me about their friendship. He says they are done and he is sorry for the hurt caused. Ultimately I believed him.

If I hadn’t come on here I’d still be debating about whether it was offensive or not so please don’t think you’ve wasted your time with your advice. You haven’t and thank you for your support.

OP posts:
HazelPlayer · 17/10/2024 09:56

She gets a buzz from doing the pick-me dance

I think she gets a buzz from doing the queen bee, alpha, superiority - dance.

I have my doubts she'd take ops bf, even if she could have him. But she wants to be number 1 with him, and degrade his partner.

IOSTT · 17/10/2024 09:58

Its great that he has blocked her, I hope you can now move on from this 😊

HazelPlayer · 17/10/2024 09:58

If I hadn’t come on here I’d still be debating about whether it was offensive or not

Op, no offense but do you think your judgement, confidence and boundaries are skewed?

Because it's really obvious it refers to you and it's really obvious that it's degrading & ridiculing.

Like - it couldn't be more obvious.

And it also couldn't be clearer that dhd thought he'd not be offended or end the "acquaintance" over it. It suggests a background; as stated by many, many posters on this thread.

AnnieSnap · 17/10/2024 09:59

Strawberries86 · 17/10/2024 09:52

At the risk of making at least 320 posters roll their eyes at me….

We talked about it, I got the reaction I needed. He said he zoned out about 3 seconds in and only really understood what it was when I lost it and he found it on YouTube. He asked that as he’s only ever been honest with me, I give him the benefit of the doubt, he offered to show me his phone and swore he has never talked about me in any way that could be considered negative.

He messaged her, showed me these, she said she thought it was funny and didn’t owe me an apology. He blocked her there and then.

I want to give it a go, I explained about the boundaries in our relationship and what bothered me about their friendship. He says they are done and he is sorry for the hurt caused. Ultimately I believed him.

If I hadn’t come on here I’d still be debating about whether it was offensive or not so please don’t think you’ve wasted your time with your advice. You haven’t and thank you for your support.

That sounds good. I hope it all goes well 💐

HazelPlayer · 17/10/2024 10:01

I honestly do not mean to be offensive but if you couldn't have been sure yourself whether you should be offended or hurt or find that disturbing/a possible deal breaker etc. - without coming in a forum abd hearing it from others ...... You do not currently seem to have the mind set/ability/boundaries to have a healthy relationship.

You could be very very easily gas lit or manipulated.

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 17/10/2024 10:04

Strawberries86 · 17/10/2024 09:52

At the risk of making at least 320 posters roll their eyes at me….

We talked about it, I got the reaction I needed. He said he zoned out about 3 seconds in and only really understood what it was when I lost it and he found it on YouTube. He asked that as he’s only ever been honest with me, I give him the benefit of the doubt, he offered to show me his phone and swore he has never talked about me in any way that could be considered negative.

He messaged her, showed me these, she said she thought it was funny and didn’t owe me an apology. He blocked her there and then.

I want to give it a go, I explained about the boundaries in our relationship and what bothered me about their friendship. He says they are done and he is sorry for the hurt caused. Ultimately I believed him.

If I hadn’t come on here I’d still be debating about whether it was offensive or not so please don’t think you’ve wasted your time with your advice. You haven’t and thank you for your support.

Fingers crossed for you!

HazelPlayer · 17/10/2024 10:05

swore he has never talked about me in any way that could be considered negative.

Sorry, but I find that very hard to believe.

At the very least, he's not shut down negative talk about you by her. He's not made it clear it unacceptable.

And in fact anyone talking about you that way should not have continued to be in his friendship/acquaintance group ...let alone continuing contact and even arranging to go to events with her.
He was due to go to one with her until she pulled out due to illness.

That's an active friendship/acquaintance, even if the meetups aren't often. And I would find it very difficult to believe she one day, suddenly, out of the blue, completely out of character - sent him offensive stuff referencing you. Expecting him to not be offended.

As for cutting her off, I have a feeling he'll be in contact with her again at some point. On some platform.

helgel · 17/10/2024 10:10

Not sure what else you can do OP, yellow card and move on. I posted earlier that I thought the 'comedian' waffled on. I was watching carefully, but would have zoned out otherwise.

Nc789123 · 17/10/2024 10:22

Good luck op. People send so many you tube and tiktok now it is reasonable that he didn't pay much attention to it. Totally agree with @HazelPlayer assessment of her above. I think the bigger problem is that he kept someone like her in his life for so long. To me that says a lot more. I doubt this is the first time she has slagged you off. He sounds quite immature.

Attelina · 17/10/2024 10:25

He blocked her!

Oh dear, now he feels like the naughty boy being told off by his mum!

This is not a good dynamic for your relationship and he will have a festering resentment that the enjoyment he got from the friendship has come to a head and ended.

I bet he will contact her via another means and apologise saying he had to block her just to appease you. You are now fodder for more negativity and in the role of the 'old dragon'.

Somerandomerontheinternet · 17/10/2024 10:26

Good luck OP. I’m glad you’ve taken away confidence from having your feelings affirmed on here, know what you are worth and greater understanding of yourself and the relationship. Very best wishes

Rosscameasdoody · 17/10/2024 10:37

Attelina · 17/10/2024 10:25

He blocked her!

Oh dear, now he feels like the naughty boy being told off by his mum!

This is not a good dynamic for your relationship and he will have a festering resentment that the enjoyment he got from the friendship has come to a head and ended.

I bet he will contact her via another means and apologise saying he had to block her just to appease you. You are now fodder for more negativity and in the role of the 'old dragon'.

Problem is, it seems pretty clear that she’s been the subject of some offensive banter between the two of them prior to that video. I think it would be a deal breaker for me. Not having her back is one thing, actually engaging with it is quite another.

DeireadhFomhair · 17/10/2024 10:42

I think you're latest post is a very positive one. He has been very honest and open with you, and has blocked her as soon as she showed her true colours.
Baying for a man's blood, and immediate LTB, is par for the course on MN a lot of the time. But you need to live your own life, and I think you're right to give him a chance.
Take care 💐

SurelySmartie · 17/10/2024 10:54

Fair enough OP. He has taken action. Sometimes people do tell the truth. Good luck.

Planesmistakenforstars · 17/10/2024 11:02

This sounds like a great outcome, and really well handled by you in sticking up for yourself and your boundaries. You trusted your instincts to ask here about the content of the video, no reason not to trust them now. He has listened to you and blocked her; he can't have done any more than that. I do think that it's odd she felt comfortable enough to send him it in the first place, but she won't be the first to have a trumped up idea of her own importance or to test the water.

Like another poster upthread, I get sent loads of YT/FB/TikTok links by younger friends - it's just how they communicate. I don't think I've ever opened any of them, so I think his explanation is reasonable. He also asked to you look at the video for him, I don't think he would have been so open about that if they have a history of this kind of thing. And she sent him a TikTok video when he doesn't have any SM apps at all, so perhaps she doesn't know him as well as she thinks she does.

HazelPlayer · 17/10/2024 11:30

He has been very honest and open with you

🤔

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 17/10/2024 11:56

I honestly hope it works out for you and he's the partner you deserve.
But please think about counselling for yourself, to work on your boundaries and self esteem. You shouldn't need to come to the vipers to check if that video was a dig at you. It plainly was. Since your partner is at best not the sharpest, you shouldn't be calibrating your responses off his.

whatareyousayingtome · 17/10/2024 12:09

Good luck OP, only you know your OH and your relationship so therefore your judgement counts the most. I think I probably would have zoned out also (can’t stand it when people send me videos) but the outcome seems positive and you should trust your own judgement in future. It’s all good to get some perspective and reassurance so you have done the right thing.

Washingforweeks · 17/10/2024 13:59

It’s a very pick me move. In one video it’s a dig at your age, your name, your anatomy and the fact you have kids. The message is ‘I’m not like this’ She’s been a complete bitch.
and to echo other posters, your partner should have gone crazy- he isn’t however because this won’t be the first joke.
its sexual which also crosses a major boundary.

Id Be getting in touch myself asking who the fuck she thinks she is. And I’d be kicking his childish ass to the kerb op.

Try not to feel bad In anyway. This is a him issue.

MarkWithaC · 17/10/2024 14:41

If she sent this video out of the blue then what he's said and done is fine IMO, but I'd need to ask him for an honest answer as to where this might have come from ie have they 'bantered' about the OP before? Has he given the impression that it's OK for this woman to say or suggest offensive things about her?

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 17/10/2024 15:20

Well done OP for confronting it and dealing with it head on.

Lots of people baying for blood but these things can come out of nowhere.

As said earlier, someone made a joke about DH and I shut it down there and then. Never gave her the green light but she'd somehow misjudged it and thought I'd find it funny.

Possibly because there are people who make fun of their partners out there.

She thought he might and got it wrong.

MarkingBad · 17/10/2024 16:40

Great news OP I hope the very best that can be will be for you 💐

veggie50 · 17/10/2024 16:49

Very please for you, OP. The fact that he blocked her without you having to ask is very positive. Excellent outcome.