To be offended by this

[Strawberries86]

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

If he's completely innocent and this video was sent unsolicited and is the first time she has had a dig at you then his reaction should be appalled at this so called friend and he would tell her that he didn't find it funny but he appears just to be playing it down.

Stop and think @Strawberries86—
This TikTok joke is just the joke you’ve seen/heard, because of your husband’s limited ability to access it.
I’d be wondering, if I were you, about all the jokes they’ve shared that you haven’t been privy to.
This young woman is not nice — regardless of whether she’s after your husband or not.
Any woman who’s that disrespectful to other women goes into the bin at my house - no ifs ands or buts.

I would be fuming at this, and so should your husband be! There is no way this was not aimed at you.

That's nasty. I'm fairly laid back but wouldn't be impressed if a woman was taking the piss to my DH in that way.

A male friend and a female friend of his took two images I posted online and manipulated them to create a new image. One was of a plant, the other was of me. It was a silly joke his friend had initiated but when I was sent the link to the page I didn't find it amusing. He asked if I liked it and told him that while I'd normally laugh at something like that I felt the way it was done and the timing was unkind.

He immediately apologised, took it down and explained he'd got it wrong online too. He was utterly mortified I wasn't laughing. He told his friend and she apologised profusely too. Neither of them were asked to apologise but they responded appropriately. I thanked them both for understanding and had to tell him that I was still his friend, nothing had changed, he was so worried he'd upset me. I wasn't anywhere near as upset as I would have been had I seen that tiktok video.

That's how your BF should have reacted on your behalf. He should have immediately been mortified that she'd even send him something like that, it's clearly meant to upset you and it worked. Frankly had a male friend sent me something like that about a DP, I'd immediately tell him not to send anything like that ever again and apologise to DP and try and fix things. You BF couldn't even see the problem at first.

She is sowing seeds of discontent in your relationship for whatever reason and will continue to do so as long as your BF allows it. People who do this sort of thing love to see others relationships breaking apart for their own personal pleasure. Is she in relationship troubles herself or has her DP left? Could explain the increased contact, not suggesting anything inappropriate in his relationship with her right now. People who do these things are never nice people who just made a mistake, it's a calculated action, you don't need friends like that in your relationship and neither does he.

At that stage either she goes or he goes neither is a great loss if they want to sit and stew in their own sordid sense of humour together at your expense.

This clearly he has made disparaging comments about you. Throthis one back my dear there are far better men out there for you.

I have a sense of humour which is a bit rude/silly at times, and I’ve regularly joked with some very close male (gay) friends about the state of my vagina post-childbirth. If they sent me this kind of video I’d find it hilarious because it’s a daft ongoing joke that we have (they’re equally the butt of other jokes, it’s not one-sided). It’s our humour and I know it’s juvenile but I’m ok with that 🤷‍♀️

And yet….

If a young female friend of DP sent him this type of video I’d be absolutely offended. This isn’t about being cool or having a childish sense of humour.

This is about another woman believing she has your DP’s permission to send disparaging jokes that are clearly aimed at you. And very personal, just to fan the flames.

Why has she sent this to him?
Why wasn’t he annoyed/outraged on your behalf?
Why has he brushed it off (claimed not to be properly listening)?
What other “jokes” do they share about you?
What has he said about you to make her think this is acceptable?

He may well be “lovely” but you have a very big problem if he’s ok with other people who you don’t know making snide jokes at your expense.

I’d be interested to know what he replied to her with?

I hope you get some sleep so you can think about this with a clear head. I’m sorry 💐

Makes me think they have a jokey dynamic they would call "banter" but that is basically flirting. He has probably said he's still with you & not single. She'll have asked about you & probably winds him up about being with you, & probably has always been able to mock you by referring to you as "Donna Kebab". She thinks it's harmless & thinks it's coded in joke speak that enables her to flirt with him (& for him to flirt back). He is flattered by the attention of a younger jokey colleague, & goes along with it but thinks it's totally harmless & that it's all BANTER. Her sending him that tik tok would make sense if this is the context of their dynamic. The tok tok is her signalling her perceived sexual superiority over you as being a more suitable partner, being younger & child free, & by also having a name that unlike yours, cannot be made a mockery of. Basicallly ridiculing you gives her a pretext to be able to flirt with & rib him. That's my take on it.
Obviously it could all be coming from him & this is his nickname for you to other women - which I doubt. But is possible. Does he work on a very banterish office/workplace? The tik tok reveals her immaturity & when seen in the context of their dynamic is the way you are being referred to, that he sees no issue with.
He needs to tell you that's that's what you're called to this woman (& any others in his life) if it is. And how derogatory that it to you. If he is this mild mannered gentleman you perceive him to be - he wouldn't be that disrespectful or complicit in encouraging this "banter" & mockery of you however. Which implies he is flattered by & enjoying this younger woman's attention. I'd want to see his messages to her so I hope he hasn't had a chance to delete them. If he has then I think you've got enough grounds to believe he's betraying you, if not in solely his words, but possibly in his actions as well. Sorry OP. I would t want to be with someone that takes the mickey out of me to their colleagues & friends. If this is truly harmless & innocent then reference to your vagina on tik toks wldnt be happening. What kind of name does she have I wonder?

Tbh it’s not about their ‘friendship’ anymore.

It’s about the fact that he couldn’t immediately see why that would upset you AND simultaneously that he was not incredibly offended and angry on your behalf.

For me, I couldn’t come back from this (let alone the intimacy issues with him I’d have going forwards).

He doesn’t respect you or care about you, OP - a DP/DH that did respect and care for their partner wouldn’t have acted like this.

This is despicable, but have you considered that he wanted you to see it? That he told you it wouldn't open for him to give him the opportunity to get one over on you? TikTok takes seconds to install.

I've seen this happen before, where someone maliciously tells you something offensive that someone has said, under the pretext of letting you know, or saying they thought you'd laugh. They are never at fault, never take the blame, and enjoy hurting or humiliating you, all while pretending not to understand why it would bother you.

I know you said he's a lovely, kind, and generous man of integrity and emotional maturity.

I don't think he sounds kind and lovely at all.

How did he react to the video? And did she say anything else or just the link?
I would say there's a small chance of context that means she didn't mean it to offend (eg if he said your name is never in pop culture, and she sent the video not realising it wasn't a great example, or if she has kids too and often jokes about how they ruin your body). Probably more likely, even if she meant it in a cruel way he may be naive and not realising her intentions - he did send the link so it can't have been sent in the middle of a bitch fest about you!
I'd pay close attention to how he reacts, both to the colleague generally after this and to your concerns that at least one of them sees something more there

It isn't harmless.

Sorry OP but you sound a bit deluded.

Your 'kind and generous' partner is acting like a total dick. Why is he corresponding with a woman so much younger than him? I'll give you 3 guesses.....

Yes this, what has been said in their relationship that has made her think “slagging off his girlfriend” won’t be a problem.

Yep, I'm with you!

OP, no wonder you feel hurt and offended.
What utterly bizarre and foul behaviour.
I think you need to talk to your DP again and get to the bottom of this.

My ex and his ow bonded over slagging me off. I saw the messages. Often initiated by her ..sort of "oh I wish you were coming on x trip but I guess Rhaenys won't let you" type of thing. I'd definitely be taking a very careful look at this.

Sorry this has happened OP. It seems his friend is not a friend of your relationship. I would also be disappointed in his response as well. Perhaps it’s time to reflect on whether you see a long term future with him after this? He has let you down.

She sounds delightful. If he finds that funny I can’t see how he can be that emotionally mature tbh. I’d say pull back and reconsider and he needs to get rid of his friend really.

I think I slept like a baby because writing the post was cathartic.

Just a few responses and please don’t any for a minute think I’m naive and making excuses, I’m not.

He definitely isn’t slagging me off to her. He hasn’t got it in him. He isn’t cruel in the slightest.

He hasnt got any social media - genuinely. He hates. Everyone says if he could have a landline and manage with that he probably would.

My only hope is that his reaction to it is like mine, that it was a slow burner. But he is is so calm and measured I think he will give her the benefit of the doubt and think it was an ill judged thing to do. I can’t accept that.

I sent a message last night and deleted it.

I think it will be tomorrow I see him.

He is lovely and kind to your face. He doesn't appear to heave a problem gossipping about you behind your back.

Sorry, OP. His mask has slipped. Throw this one back.

She‘s vile and definitely trying to get with him. And he’s not discouraging her, that’s very poor behaviour from him. He lacks loyalty and integrity.

Time to lay it on the line. I don’t think he is quite the man you think he is. 😔

Who on earth was the ‘comedian’?!

Aside from anything else, enjoying this kind of crass, misogynistic humour is a huge red flag.

I think even this small window onto both his humour and their relationship is enough to know he’s no good.

@Strawberries86

The over-riding thing here for me is that she felt comfortable enough with his potential reaction to send something like that to him. Mocking his partner's name?...that doesn't come out of nowhere. There must have been a previous joke or comments for her to feel that he'd find it funny.

An 'in joke' between your partner & another woman, at your expense, is very much out of order. It'd make me question what else has been said that you've been blissfully unaware of.

This woman is inappropriate & unpleasant & your partner has definitely betrayed you on some level, emotionally.

Only you know if he's worth keeping & if you can get past this. At the very least, this woman needs to go & HE should be the one to tell her how unacceptable her so called joke was. If he can't see that it was, then that tells you all you need to know. 🤷‍♀️

Was it a Paul Smith video?

What has he said would be my first question. The minimising from him is not ok. You’ve got a dh problem and possible emotional affair.

@PrincessHoneysuckle yes Paul Smith