To be offended by this

[Strawberries86]

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

1. this young woman sounds toxic
2. she might not have a partner, it’s just a cover to make her sound unavailable
3. shameful for her to mock another woman. She’s got no class
4. your DP is an amateur at whatever he’s doing, but he’ll wise-up quickly. Keep a close eye and let him know you think she’s not a nice person. He chosing friends badly.
5. if you reveal her name we can find crude jokes about her, and her no-doubt filthy snatch!!

what’s she’s doing is a way to drive a wedge in your relationship and to draw him in. Classic mean girls strategy, divide and conquer.

Never assume an age gap would prevent a man wanting to be with a woman OP. You never know what's in their minds, and if they've any sense they tell you what you want to hear. The fact this woman felt he would be amused at her sending a derogatory joke at your expense speaks volumes about the messages he is giving her.

Whether or not there's anything going on between them 'romantically', she feels free to send him an insulting joke about you which suggests that the two of them discuss you disrespectfully. This is not on. You need a serious talk with him, and to consider whether you want to be with someone who treats you like this.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this OP.

As others have said there has to be some history to this and also, I'd be questioning why she sent a Tiktok. If they are in contact regularly then she would surely know if he was a Tiktok user. It seems quite engineered to me.
I hope you manage to find a way forward.

I think this entire post minimises his role in this.

Ain't no way that girl sent that without thinking it would be well received.

Wow, this is a massive red flag.
Dump this bastard before it gets worse.

your DP is an amateur at whatever he’s doing

To the contrary, he's got op thinking he's quiet, sweet, kind etc.. while somehow he's got a younger woman feeling comfortable & confident sending him vulgar derogatory "comedy" referencing women called the op's name & their genitals (if they're mother's, which the op is too).

Amateur hmm.

I suppose the only way he's amateur is that he let op open that tiktok on her phone. He got caught out.

You are not being unreasonable. A young female girl sending your husband jokes about vaginas, is odd. They sound quite close if they can share things like that. Or she's flirting like trying to say my vagina is neat not like a kebab. Also the Donna kebab , doesnt sound like a coincidence, it does sound like it is a joke about you , and openly sharing it with your husband , I'd be a little concerned here

if you reveal her name we can find crude jokes about her, and her no-doubt filthy snatch

Yeah, that'll solve the problem of op's boyfriend, his lack of boundaries with other women, and the fact that they somehow feel confident sending him derogatory jokes about his partner's name and genitals. Why would that be now?

I can’t think of a scenario whereby she isn’t interested in him romantically OP. Sorry.

He should have shut this nonsense down ages ago.

Not to minimise your pain but you don’t have joint children and it’s a relatively short relationship. Throw this one back in the sea.

My thoughts exactly..

The fact this woman felt he would be amused at her sending a derogatory joke at your expense speaks volumes about the messages he is giving her.

This.

He is pathetically low boundaried and seemingly disloyal.

Ugh.

Wall to wall misogyny dressed up as support.

She sent the video with the joke (I’m assuming) about you because she thought it was acceptable and would make him laugh. If he told her during their get-togethers how much he loved and respected you then I bet she would not have dared to send it. It makes me wonder how he talks about you when they are together. There is definitely some negativity because she thought it was acceptable to make fun of you. If it was me I would call time on the relationship.

It's highly insulting. My biggest concern is that he's not offended on your behalf. If he thinks that this is funny/appropriate then he's not the man you think he is.

I can’t think of a scenario whereby she isn’t interested in him romantically OP. Sorry.

I can.

Red pillers talk some shite but they do get some things right, and they would refer to him as an "orbiter" of hers.

She's not interested in him enough to get involved/dump her bf, but she enjoys his attention/admiration/validation/priority and feeling like she could have him if she wanted him.
Part of that is asserting her superiority to his partner. She wants him to denigrate his partner/demonstrate that she's below her, that she is queen bee etc.
And apparently he goes along with that to some extent. Otherwise she'd not have felt comfortable enough to send that material.

Yeah fuck that.

She sounds like a snidey bitch. Does your DP really not see the issue?

This is awful. She's a complete bitch sending that. She obviously felt he would think it funny so it does suggest they've laughed about this before and she's thought it would be a continuation of the joke. Imo he shouldn't be talking about sex or yours/ women's bodies at work anyway especially a younger female colleague. They both sound disgusting. I can just imagine the chat between them 🙄. Tbh I'd find it hard to get past this. Stay strong op.

bet it really is like a kebab down there.

Somebody hasn't heard of caesarians apparently.

Also that vaginal birth is a widely varying experience, and equally varied in the effects or not on the external genitals.

Also that lots of women have lots of different "styles" of vulva, totally aside from whether they've birthed babies.

Clearly highly intelligent people we're dealing with here.

And I never thought I'd hear of a female with Roy Chubby Brown's sense of "humour" but ......

He's matey (and worse) with vulgar, crass, low brow idiots.
And that's not even getting on to why she thought he'd appreciate that clip.

That is a good point. This woman would know whether he has TikTok and surely he's capable of installing it if not.

Shitting hell. That’s disgusting! If he didn’t message her straight back telling her he doesn’t find it funny, then I would be so angry with him!

I voted yanbu before I even read the “joke”, and it’s way worse than I’d imagined. Ugh.

If this same comedian had recorded the same bit but targeted a different individual (someone not named Donna), would your partner have had an obvious interest in this type of "comedy" to the extent that a normal friend would have been likely to send him a Tik Tok clip of the performance?

There has been a minor revival of interest in these '90s-type Andrew Dice Clay-wannabe shock jocks recently, but I can't really think of any legitimate reason why someone would want to watch or forward this. Possibly the point of sharing it was to highlight and critique the appalling misogyny - but in that case it's very weird that he said he saw nothing wrong with it.

I'd dump him, and my name isn't Donna.

My question would be, why did this girl think that your partner would be accepting of such a video. What has he done to make her feel safe enough to slag your name off?

there’s a hole in this one