To be offended by this

[Strawberries86]

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

Nope, unacceptable. I’d be fuming. It sends a clear message that he thinks it’s acceptable to slag you off, so does he slag you off to her?

Unless his reaction was to immediately message her back saying “WTF that’s rude and offensive” then I would be seriously worried.

What was his reaction? Did you ask why on earth she would send that? And why on earth she would think he would find that funny/acceptable to send?

That's the sort of joke a 15 year old boy would find funny, but a a grown adult? To be honest, if one of your partners male friends had sent a meme like that to him (stupid gross jokes are one thing, stupid gross jokes hinged around your partners name are another) you would be completely justified in being upset and angry. I think her being a woman adds a whole other level to it. It's also a really really weird joke for a woman to send her male colleague (between 2 male colleagues it would feel a bit David Brent and his mate).

That is so massively disrespectful and hugely overstepping. If they are friends why would you send about his partner. That is not okay. Its not okay to send that about any woman.

he needs to drop this friendship with her. Trust your gut. If something feels off, it usually is.

@Hollietree so last night I just asked him to reflect on why she would send it and what she thinks his reaction would be. But he pre planned has to leave this morning and this discussion took place at 3am.

Iv told him I feel really sad and I’m not ok and that I want to talk about it after work this week, he just said tell me when. Il ask him what he thinks now. I did say to him he must have cringed when it was playing, he said he wasn’t really listening which is bollocks I know.

💐

That is disgusting. I'm surprised at a woman repeating a joke like that. Yeuch. If your man cannot see the offence, I am concerned about him. That girl crossed the line. Nasty.

I’m going to try and sleep because otherwise il ruminate on this all night and feel like the living dead tomorrow.

But I will come back with an outcome.

Im really touched by your support and you have given me clarity and some confidence. I don’t need to be cool. I’m right to be mad and quite frankly they can have each other if he’s anything less than apologetic puts immediate boundaries in place.

Thank you

The thing is @Strawberries86 I’m almost certain that this is not something someone would send without warning, this in my opinion must have some kind of history that would make her think that this would be ok to send.

people just don’t out of the blue send an insult about a friends partner without provocation, or conversation previously that makes that person know it won’t land them In Hot water.
it would be like you sending your friend a horrible message (joke) about their husband without ever having had a conversation with her about him, it just doesn’t happen does it!

if I sent a message like that to a friend about their partner (if we had not previously made fun of them together therefore my friend opening the door to show me they were ok with that) I would fully expect them to be very angry with me to the point of not actually being my friend anymore! I certainly wouldn’t expect them to laugh, I honestly would expect them to tell me to fuck off and never talk to me again!

What a bitch. His reply to her will be the telling thing.

That's offensive even without the name being yours. I'd think less of any man that found that funny. So two issues here for me, how did he react to the video? He offered you to see their communication, I think you should take him up on that. Him saying this isn't a big deal when it's you that's been hurt isn't a good look. He doesn't get to chose how you feel about this or how big a deal it is. I'd be worried I've misjudged him if their communication has a lot of 'jokes' like this even without the name connection. I really struggle with remembering names is it possible she doesn't remember yours?

people just don’t out of the blue send an insult about a friends partner without provocation, or conversation previously that makes that person know it won’t land them In Hot water.
it would be like you sending your friend a horrible message (joke) about their husband without ever having had a conversation with her about him, it just doesn’t happen does it!

💯

OP - you know the answer, his reaction has already told you what you need to know.

Thankfully, he's just a DP of 18 mths, so getting rid of him shouldn't be too problematic. If he can't even go 18mths without slagging you off to female colleagues, he doesn't deserve you.

That’s horrible, I too would wonder what they’d said previously that made her think it would be ok to send a video like that. Unless that’s what his sense of humour is like with everyone, and you’d probably know that after 18 months. I have male friends and can’t imagine sending any of them something like that.

Honestly I don’t even get the joke. Age difference aside…clearly he had already laid pipe which indicated to her this type of comment would be funny to him. It’s something he said or did. Also advice I remember from a past thread….partner or not on her side she is signaling her sexual availability to him. If it was platonic she would be respectful towards you even if she doesn’t know you. I know 18 months is very real part of your life but op I absolutely would end this relationship. I have a weird vibe from that joke….there’s an underbelly to him and you happened to catch it. She has been given latitude by him. She may be immature and “just flirting” with “oh I’m young and cute” with no real intent to be with him…but HE is not.

He has no respect for you and has shared that attitude with her and she’s joined in ripping you to shreds. He’s vile and she fancies him.
Ditch him

he said he wasn’t really listening which is bollocks I know.

@Strawberries86 He's lying to try and save himself. What was his immediate reaction? he should have been outraged on your behalf, anything other than that is unforgivable.

Oof yeah I'd say he's made some inappropriate jokes at your expense otherwise I doubt she'd have sent him it tbh

He’s not a lovely guy if people are
comfortable sharing that sort of misogynistic crap with him.

She has felt free to send that sort of message because she believed it would be well received. That's all you need to know.

Both of them sound horrendous.

He has to have given her some indication to believe she was ok to send him a derogatory message about his partner, it's not come from nowhere and if it had he'd have been visibly shocked by the content of the message which it doesn't seem like he was.

If he has integrity and emotional maturity, then he should be willing to show you their other messages and hopefully you'll get a sense of what this is all about.

Although, to be honest the probability that I would stay in a relationship with a partner who'd make bitchy jokes with another woman about my vagina, or be friends with a woman who made jokes about my vagina is close to zero.

he is otherwise a lovely, kind and generous man

Really, really hard to reconcile that one, OP.

Did you ask your DP why he thinks she had sent it to him? How long have they been friends? Were they friends before you and DP got together? Have you met her?

Does she actually think Doner Kebab is spelt like Donna🤔 It's a completely different word.
It's either a stupid joke, or the woman is a buffoon.

Nasty cow either way.

Tell him he's welcome to her.

@Strawberries86 that's horrible.

Good luck with the talk tomorrow x