To be offended by this

[Strawberries86]

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

It’s misogynistic shit, so why would you want to be with someone who thinks like that or finds that funny? Plus it directly insults you. A nasty sexist joke he’s sharing, at your expense, with a younger woman he’s too embroiled with.

Fuck that shit @Strawberries86 He may seem ‘gentle’ and passive but it’s a front for this bullshit.

I've received an unsolicited 'joke' about DH before. No idea why the person thought I'd find it funny as I'd never made fun of him to her.
Shut it down real quick and it never happened again.

How your DP reacts is key.

If he's blasé about it, then he doesn't respect you.

I wouldn't send that to a close friend with the same name, let alone someone else's husband.

She's a bitch with absolutely no class.
I'd be livid. I'd expect him to tell her she was out of order for sure!

I'd have to reconsider the relationship...sorry you are in this position.

There's a side to him that you have only just caught a glimpse of OP.

His reply to her will be interesting....

Reading the 'joke' I felt awful for you. The fact he didn't tells you everything you need to know. LTB.

YANBU at all. That’s horrible.

God, that’s horrid! What a bitch!! If he didn’t have my back 100% I’d be bin-bagging his stuff up and he can piss off to her! Vile behaviour by both, OP, hope you’re ok x

@Strawberries86 This will not be resolved in conversation, OP. What could he say to explain the fact that his immediate reaction when he saw the Tiktok wasn't 'What the f*ck is this?" In the moment.

Because of the age gap, he is sexually interested in her, and would jump at any opportunity to sleep with her. She, on the other hand, just likes the attention and probably has three other drooling lap dogs texting her in addition to your DP, to keep her ego boosted.

You are clearly a convenient consolation prize and he speaks very badly of you to her.

He's only wasted 18 months of your life. You've had a lucky escape - now your eyes have been opened

He may well be sweet and gentle but he's not loyal and he's clearly sweet and gentle with her too - he does not have your back. No kids and only 18 months you do not need to be putting up with this shit or trying to work through it. You can if you want of course but make sure you are eyes fully open on this - he has allowed it and clearly has allowed her mocking or discussing you disrespectfully previously.

I've been with my partner for a lot longer and even then if he did this he'd be long gone. I'm not a mug and would put 2 and 2 together. She was obviously referring to you with the video if it's your name and you have kids. She's showing her age clearly! I'm not sure id be wildly comfortable with my DP having a younger female friend who clearly talks shit about me and my partner allowed it. Before he says he hasn't allowed it no one feels comfortable to just 'randomly' send their friend shit like that especially if there not even close. There's more to this imo. You're worth more op. Good luck xx

Very possibly this☝️

I expect he has form for this kind of thing-getting an ego boost off a younger woman and being disrespectful about women's bodies. Is he really as gentle and thoughtful as you say? Or if you scratch beneath the surface are there things you'd rather not see? You see it all the time on here where women think their husband/partner/boyfriend would never cheat and they find out that he's been shagging so and so at work. Does his name begin with C?

This. My DH would have been furious and cut her dead. You're underreacting.

Also you have to consider...she knows him, and she sent this to him when she knew he was with you. She knew he wouldn't find it offensive. What does that tell you?

I can't see why she would make jokes about you unless prompted by him. Would you send videos to your female mate mocking their partner's name? Not unless they'd told you he was a bell end. So yeah. He's said something to her about you.

If I was your partner I would not find that funny or acceptable in anyway. If he is not going to address the issue properly and I will add I haven’t read the whole thread then he needs binning. Her little tik tok skit is personally aimed at you. The only solvable issue for me her would be that he ends the friendship with her completely. I am pretty sure she has designs on him and by demeaning you in this way is disgusting. If he fails to end this “friendship” with her then he needs to be shown the door. If he does completely end this friendship he needs a serious ear bending as this kind of thing is totally unacceptable. He should be fully supporting you not poking fun at you behind your back. Man’s an idiot.

What a bitch. The only saving of this is if he never speaks to her again

If I was in your shoes id assume my partner had a secret fling with this girl and was slagging off the appearance of your vagina or said something like you were shit in bed to prompt her to think it's okay to send that TikTok. She wouldn't randomly just send it. Better still he didn't automatically even say why the fuck is she sending stuff like that or anything!! It's like his thinking Woops got caught out.

It's fairly clear why she sent that to him. To ridicule you, in an attempt to put him off you. So she is seeing you as competition over him. He may well not want to go there, but she clearly does.
If he is OK being friends with someone who wants to compete with you for his affection, then it's time for him to make a choice. He should start by communicating to her that the post was highly inappropriate. If he falters at that, then he's making a choice. It's totally reasonable for this to be a her or you situation and an ultimatum is a fair response. If he cares for you enough he should see that she has crossed a line and only cutting the friendship is good enough. Otherwise he's not standing by you, and deserves the chop.

That's derogatory to you. He should realise that and react accordingly. Personally I'd bin him.

Sorry your are going through this OP. That’s truly cruel and unfair. I hope he is able to be remorseful and supportive and give you genuine reassurance that ‘it’s her, not him’ but I’m not sure what that could look like. It feels like boundaries have been crossed. Sending you hugs xx

I would not be able to hold back and would contact her personally. She needs to be held to account for her lack of respect but to yourself and to your relationship. Make her sweat. Then I’d bin him.

Absolutely she is having a dig at you. Tiny micro aggressions on her behalf are disgusting to any woman!

I'm sorry but if your DP can't see this and or doesn't pull her up on it, it will only increase.

If it was a crude joke in general then I would think it off but as it's your specific name it's clear it's a dig at you and cruel.

It's completely in appropriate but you don't know the build up to it and either she randomly decided to mock her friends wife and he should be shocked and tell her that it's not on or more likely they have been chuckling away behind your back and he's said something personal about you leading her to reply with that crude nonsense.

The relationship has crossed a line if they think it's acceptable to mock you.

I would end it now as he should have your back and clearly he hasn't.

It does sound like it was a deliberate dig at your expense.

In which case why does she feel
comfortable sending a joke like that to your partner?

That’s what I would be questioning.