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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bonfire night etiquette.

155 replies

herewegogogox · 13/10/2024 21:03

My mother is no means rich but she does ok... she very kindly invited myself and my sister & our families (totalling 3 adults, 4 children) to hers for bonfire night ... she said there would be fireworks in her freshly renovated garden and pie & peas.. wonderful i thought as she has a habit of expecting me and my sister to provide her with meals when she comes to our house (often) and has never been the sort of mother to look after you at hers... to the point where if you visit bring a pack up as you are getting nothing.. she's also always been a bit like "if I do this for you.. you do this for me"

Anyway... at home we aren't the sort to go all out on bonfire night we get a few sparklers in for kids but nothing extreme.. so i thought how lovely it will be.

I'm not above contributing.. she is a divorcee on her own, but as she hadn't mentioned anything i assumed nothing was needed..until...

Today at mine (whilst eating the food I made her) she informed myself and my sister that she had ordered the pies, peas and gravy.. wonderful i thought...she then went on to say that myself and my sister would be expected to pay for all the fireworks...

I was blindsided... she never once mentioned this when we were initially invited? Fireworks are not at all cheap especially to entertain children 8 & over...I don't think I would have been angry about it if it wasn't delivered in a more "you don't might contributing?" sort of way.. it was expected & frankly I'm furious.

Do I say anything?? My sister is equally as shocked.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Stormyweatheroutthere · 13/10/2024 21:06

Just take a few packets of sparklers. Safer and cheaper...

Ifailed · 13/10/2024 21:07

she had ordered the pies, peas and gravy

Anyone who offered that for food for an evening event doesn't deserve your attendance, let alone any pyrotechnics.

Itsmahoneybaloney · 13/10/2024 21:07

Just cancel and say you can't afford it. Cheeky bitch.

stichguru · 13/10/2024 21:09

Your mum sounds rude. If you invite people, you tell them what they will need to contribute when you invite, not after they have accepted! Would there be a free public display you could go to, which would be cheaper, easier and safer, then food and sparklers back at Mum's!

JC03745 · 13/10/2024 21:14

I'd send her the bill for the most recent meal at yours! CF. I'm sure you have something else to you do that night now.

Has she said what the fireworks are costing, or hasn't she bought them yet? If you are paying for the event, why on earth wouldn't she consult you on food too? Pie and peas for an event??? 🙁

Whaleandsnail6 · 13/10/2024 21:15

Just pick up a packet of sparklers and say you arent bothered about fireworks.

Original poster
herewegogogox · 13/10/2024 21:16

She is rude indeed! Take take take! 100% if she had stated beforehand that we would be expected to pay for the fireworks i would have suggested a public display instead... cheeky to say the least!

OP posts:
Original poster
herewegogogox · 13/10/2024 21:17

I don't mind the pie and peas it's a bit of a tradition where I am from on bonfire night 🤣 it's also bring your own booze ...

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/10/2024 21:18

She has ordered pies, peas and gravy...almost a month in advance? Where from?

Zanatdy · 13/10/2024 21:20

Tell her to cancel and you’ll all be going to a free public display as you weren’t expecting to pay for fireworks. Complete waste of money imo, and hate it when people host but then don’t want to pay for it

Original poster
herewegogogox · 13/10/2024 21:20

@TheYearOfSmallThings the local butcher does them fresh so you have to order well in advance and does a deal on the gravy and peas.

OP posts:
CorvusPurpureus · 13/10/2024 21:21

'oh that sounds like a lot of expense, mum, & we've given it some thought & you know, backyard displays are terrible for the environment, plus even if no one actually blows their fingers off it's all a bit stressful...

...so we think we should all go to a local display, then back to yours for pie & garden disco? You hire the PA, [her most annoying teenage dgc] will dj?'

Justmuddlingalong · 13/10/2024 21:21

Tell her you'll instead be attending a local bonfire/fireworks display and be getting a bag of chips each on the way home.
Her ideas always appear to rely on you supplying a basic part of the event. She needs to rein in her ideas of hosting when it involves spending other people's money.

Candaceowens · 13/10/2024 21:24

I'd just tell her you're not spending hundreds on fireworks and you'll have to go to the local display and have food at hers before/after.

Newdaynewstarts · 13/10/2024 21:24

She’s a charmer isn’t it .

UhOhSpagettiOh · 13/10/2024 21:24

Of course say something. Tell her straight..."listen mum if you wanted us to contribute you should have asked us that beforehand. I'm not sure why you think its OK to assume that we will pay when it was you that suggested it."

Original poster
herewegogogox · 13/10/2024 21:25

@CorvusPurpureus this is a great response thank you.

@Justmuddlingalong you have hit the nail on the head.. there is always an expense.. one year we were invited to hers for Christmas dinner and conveniently she forgot to do the food shop so ironically myself and my husband paid for the lot! The other week we got invited for lunch but had to buy the ingredients and come with it 🤣 it's astonishing

OP posts:
Candaceowens · 13/10/2024 21:26

Justmuddlingalong · 13/10/2024 21:21

Tell her you'll instead be attending a local bonfire/fireworks display and be getting a bag of chips each on the way home.
Her ideas always appear to rely on you supplying a basic part of the event. She needs to rein in her ideas of hosting when it involves spending other people's money.

Not even a basic part, the most important part.

It's like inviting you to a bouncy castle party and asking you to bring the bouncy castle.

Original poster
herewegogogox · 13/10/2024 21:28

@Candaceowens I didn't look at it like that but omg it is 🫣

OP posts:
OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 13/10/2024 21:29

Definite CFery at its finest. I would agree that suggesting you all attend a public display then back to hers for food/bring your own bottle. I would throw in a few toffee apples!

Megamooch · 13/10/2024 21:31

Say it’s lovely she’s going to host a pre or post fireworks meal and that the local display starts at x time and you will meet her at x time.

big displays are always much better and safer than ones in people’s gardens

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 13/10/2024 21:40

Why don't you and your sister just go to her together and call her out on her shitty behaviour since this is What She Does and you're both sick of it.

bitsalty · 13/10/2024 21:42

Tell her you've decided to go to an organised display as it's cheaper, safer and less antisocial.

Original poster
herewegogogox · 13/10/2024 21:43

@LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome she cries and makes us feel guilty

OP posts:
getthosetitsup · 13/10/2024 21:45

Megamooch · 13/10/2024 21:31

Say it’s lovely she’s going to host a pre or post fireworks meal and that the local display starts at x time and you will meet her at x time.

big displays are always much better and safer than ones in people’s gardens

And you've decided it is fair that everyone pays for their own family unit's tickets.