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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 21:28

tolerable · 13/10/2024 21:25

irrelevant to you- perhaps.
which like it or not,wasnt my point There is no shortage of nd/sen/assesment on kids daily suggested on here for pretty much ny behavioural issue. ops mother-
Could actually read (if i wanted to be arsey )as you are non-tolerant of nd people round your kids.The age shouldnt really matter.
I actully laughed at the irony of your flame shooting...
"as one of us just struggle to believe a mother would subject her own children to this kind of poisonous person for… years"
Then i realised....maybe you actully are serious.(and oblivious to how matter of factly +scathing you repeatedly read as). Im not objecting, i kinda favour black n white.
in reality -it doesnt work like that.
Fact is, it s the ops ACTUAL mother,shes been conditioned into cringing/suffering. Shes got to the point its hitting harder every time.grans got enuf hold/sway(and i havent read absolutely no "good"qualities,but be pushed to cll them redeeming)
Kids old nuf they actual do have a relationship with her. so..try being the mum that suddenly severs gran out life- it doesnt fix nything really-the guilt hits differently-is all.
Im not in any way condoning grans mouth. BUT... NC will bring horrible feelings. Change nothing.Perhaps ....review how look at it/handle it/manage situation is lesser evil.
As i said,i cuda writen it. I approach it differnetly now(never gony hurt me again)the "Threat"of mum playing a blinder is gone. its almost a given. you caan not change other people
@Mememeandmeagain Having said all that-is she capable of being lovely?loving?nice? cos if not-i needy retrct all i wrote

She’s so wonderful when she’s nice. The best mom and grandma ever. Any other time my kids adore her. I now realize it might be love bombing.

OP posts:
kittylion2 · 13/10/2024 21:32

It doesn't matter how nice she can be when she chooses, it's the fact that she chooses not to be on special and important occasions and that she is so, so nasty. These two things don't balance out. She's doing it on purpose. She reels you in with nice behaviour and then attacks one of you, just because she can. Please don't allow her to do this to your children. If she doesn't see them, she can't manipulate them and hurt their feelings.

tolerable · 13/10/2024 22:16

@kittylion2 ...doesn't matter,to you. I absolutely do get the theory. It's hard as hell in practice. We ALL love the nice bits(it's pretty much how it works,gets to continue)
Gma has fuck all 'right' to shite on anyone s parade, to brutally offend (entire clans cut her off) there is sod all in that for a narcissist.the thrive n feed off damage.
Birthdays, family gatherings,are a trigger.
For EVERYONE now cos she's done it for ever.if truly an absolutely rat she wouldn't care nuf to drag it out.she be more than capable of locate another host to feed from.
I spoze...cos I feel this,so hard. I didn't get diagnosis til recently (51)I actually sod all like my mother n she straight up isn't acting.
This wee bit armchair,very outside looking in view,veering further than my comfort zone cos = sympathy for the devil. Saying it anyway - her godawful outbursts appear to be if "emotional respond" (wipes out with brutality) she so can not go there. KNOWS does it,but not til does it again.is a fukt up defence mechanism.if NOT spectrum will be from trauma,aces, shite childhood,similar.
Her know gd had issues/bully/mates. In THAT moment her override instinct..which is defective...attempts to 'show her adoration'/ only me.... Prob NEVER got Heid round her own insecurities...
I know that sounds crazy mad mental. Fine line between MADNESS n badness tho
Op. It's your call. Your kids
Your mam. ....

GingerBeverage · 13/10/2024 22:25

Maybe if you stop teaching your children how to give into bullying, they’ll stand a better chance at dealing with it in their own lives.

Kids have spent their childhood watching you get sucked in and abused by your own mother.

Time to join the rest of the family and break the cycle.

coffeeafter · 14/10/2024 10:28

5128gap · 13/10/2024 18:40

Well hopefully that's not going to be the case and the OP doesn't invite her. Or she invites her and she and her children agree that we ignore grandma because she talks nonsense. Like tends to happen in most families where there's a toxic person. What is highly unlikely to happen is the OPs DC are going to hold their grandmothers annual behaviour as a grudge against OP into adulthood and go 'no contact' with OP.

OP hasn’t given remotest indication she intends not to invite her next year

and i think you are underestimating children

coffeeafter · 14/10/2024 10:28

GingerBeverage · 13/10/2024 22:25

Maybe if you stop teaching your children how to give into bullying, they’ll stand a better chance at dealing with it in their own lives.

Kids have spent their childhood watching you get sucked in and abused by your own mother.

Time to join the rest of the family and break the cycle.

exactly this

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 14/10/2024 10:40

GingerBeverage · Yesterday 22:25
Maybe if you stop teaching your children how to give into bullying, they’ll stand a better chance at dealing with it in their own lives.
Kids have spent their childhood watching you get sucked in and abused by your own mother.
Time to join the rest of the family and break the cycle.

Not only this, but you are now ALLOWING her to abuse your children!

neverstartingstory · 14/10/2024 11:45

She’s so wonderful when she’s nice. The best mom and grandma ever

Abusive men are often like this. Its why women can find it so hard to realise that they are in an abusive relationship.

Sorry, OP, but you are priming your children to fall into abusive relationships in their own life. Its time to break the cycle by showing your children its ok to cease contact with someone who treats them cruelly at any point.

Mememeandmeagain · 14/10/2024 14:36

Update

this woman is unbelievable! So manipulative!

i told her she is no longer invited to any more parties ever

she says I’m SO sorry! Did I really say that? I must be going crazy, but REALLY don’t remember saying that!

I said enough, I don’t need any more fake apologies

she angrily shouts “what do you want me to do, SKIN MYSELF to prove how sorry I am???? RIP MY HEART OUT??”

my husband who’s with me, mad, after seeing our daughter cry, angrily says YES YOU SHOULD.

she then goes SEE YOU ARE THE ONE WHOS A CRUEL EVIL ABUSIVE BULLIES, YOU ARE TELLING ME I SHOULD RIP MY HEART OUT, YOU ARE THE ONES WHO ARE ABUSIVE, BULLYING A POOR WOMAN, TELLING HER SHE SHOULD MUTILATE HERSELF

unbelievable

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 14/10/2024 14:43

Hmm until your final opinion had thought maybe she was regretful and mentally ill with a bit of spite. No she's a narcissist.

It'll all be about your bullying her now. Ignore her.

My DM was like this but without any apology or any niceness so it was easier to spot. But she would scream if she was ever told or caught out.

Yougavemesixtysummers · 14/10/2024 14:44

@Mememeandmeagain it is a classic narcissist response my mum would do the same if I ever called her out, she is turning it around so you are to blame and once again she is the "normal rational" one.
You should look into narcissistic parents, the book Adult children of emotionally immature parents is good to help you understand the patterns of abuse she has conditioned you to.

Stay strong,it can be hard at the start but your life and your children's lives will be better with less of her in them, don't backtrack on the party situation. Enjoy your parties free from her cruelty knowing that it is your (or kids or family members) important day and you deserve to be treated with respect.

pikkumyy77 · 14/10/2024 14:51

Seconded the recommendation of Lindsay Gibson’s book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

You have taken a very brave step trying to limit the damage she causes by limiting her visiting. We can all see how terrifying this intemperate, manipulative, woman must have been when you were a child. Try to stay calm and firm. She will ramp up her crazed behavior—that is called an extinction burst—and she will try to reassert control by fighting, sulking, wheedling, love bombing until she gets a reaction. Any reaction from you is better, to her, than no reaction. So give her nothing.

oh, and expect what we call in the US a “lawn tantrum” when she shows up at your house and throws a fit hoping that embarrassment snd fear force you to let her in.

Todaywasbetter · 14/10/2024 15:11

Congratulations, that’s the first step towards a bully free life

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 15:19

Mememeandmeagain · 14/10/2024 14:36

Update

this woman is unbelievable! So manipulative!

i told her she is no longer invited to any more parties ever

she says I’m SO sorry! Did I really say that? I must be going crazy, but REALLY don’t remember saying that!

I said enough, I don’t need any more fake apologies

she angrily shouts “what do you want me to do, SKIN MYSELF to prove how sorry I am???? RIP MY HEART OUT??”

my husband who’s with me, mad, after seeing our daughter cry, angrily says YES YOU SHOULD.

she then goes SEE YOU ARE THE ONE WHOS A CRUEL EVIL ABUSIVE BULLIES, YOU ARE TELLING ME I SHOULD RIP MY HEART OUT, YOU ARE THE ONES WHO ARE ABUSIVE, BULLYING A POOR WOMAN, TELLING HER SHE SHOULD MUTILATE HERSELF

unbelievable

Edited

I can’t believe you were even seeing her again!

What happened next?

Pls say it involved her being escorted out of your home

Has your husband not ever confronted this witch in the past?

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 15:21

i told her she is no longer invited to any more parties ever

parties are once a year though? You clearly get together very very often with her… so what about every other day?

redskydarknight · 14/10/2024 15:44

Classic narcissist reaction
denying it happened
"fake" apology
making you out to be the bad guys

Your next boundary is to leave when she starts shouting at you.

Smittenkitchen · 14/10/2024 16:31

Amazing how she started playing the victim when all you were doing is objecting to indefensible behaviour and putting boundaries in place.

PullTheBricksDown · 14/10/2024 16:40

Time for the fake party. Next time a birthday comes up, have their actual party one weekend, tell her it's the next weekend (ideal if the actual birthday date is midweek). Then when the fake party date comes round, have some cake at yours and maybe one other family member. At least then she doesn't infect the real gathering

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 16:45

forget the party
total side issue
you should be discussing fact you don’t have any intention of seeing her and certainly not allowing her to see the children unless she undergoes massive changes

Notfinanciallyresponsibleforyou · 14/10/2024 16:56

Block now

gerryk62 · 14/10/2024 17:37

Is she drunk😳😳😳

C36M · 14/10/2024 17:38

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

Really does sound like it could be early onset dementia if she doesn’t remember it and is quite random with the things she says. Has she always been this way?

Ferrfoxache · 14/10/2024 17:55

If your Mum has always been like this is there a chance that she might have a form of Aspergers ? If not i'd suggest she goes to see her doctor anyway, Cannot imagine a parent / grandparent just being nasty for the hell of it. If that's the case then tell her she will not be included in anything until she adresses her hurtful behaviour.

FattyMallow · 14/10/2024 17:57

So sorry to say this, if this description is accurate the person's a sadist... 😔 You'll have to limit your contact to once a year (the time that suits you, without the children, preferably with hubby present or a friend) for the sake of your mental wellbeing.

PorridgeEater · 14/10/2024 17:58

"Lack of empathy and saying inappropriate things can be a sign of some age related neurological conditions."

Judging by what op has said there does seem to be something wrong. Obviously don't trust her to buy party food and don't leave her unattended with cake (though it seems incredible that she could eat a whole cake).
I suppose try to get help (diagnosis?) if you can.