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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
Slimmermama · 14/10/2024 18:10

I've been reading a book called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" which is worth looking up. The EI parents make everything about them, can't give space to other people's problems and essentially are self centred. Unfortunately you have two options - restrict contact to just you and her and save your children from negative behaviour. Or, remove contact altogether. I did the second option and although I had guilt to start with, I was surprised at how refreshing it was to not have that influence in our lives.

Lilywc · 14/10/2024 18:11

I agree with some of the comments on the neurological problem, maybe she needs medical help
so sorry to hear she’s such an upsetting woman , don’t invite her again x

OldScribbler · 14/10/2024 18:16

2kbak · 13/10/2024 14:01

Don’t invite her.

Next year, for your child’s bday, take them somewhere nice and don’t tell her.

She sounds evil.

Not tell her? On the contrary, go somewhere wonderful, without her. Send pictures with a note " For once we had a happy time. Can you guess why?

PC7102 · 14/10/2024 18:22

Is it possible she’s got some health condition that is making her act bizarrely?

ChoccieCornflake · 14/10/2024 18:32

Having grown up with this as your "normal" I'm not surprised you are struggling with this. However, let me say from an outsider's point of view - what she is saying is awful, horrific, unforgivable. For the sake of your children you need to stop seeing her, and if they beg that she's ill, whatever, you tell them "that is not an excuse to abuse people. We don't have to take abuse from people. Also, she's not ill, she's just telling you lies, just as she has done my whole life, which is why I, the parent, have wised up and am cutting contact for all of us so the cycle of abuse is broken"

Coco2024 · 14/10/2024 18:35

i literally am gobsmacked and don’t know what to say 😱😱😱 she sounds awful

CharlotteLucas3 · 14/10/2024 18:37

She's a narcissist OP, and actually quite a malignant one. I'd suggest reading "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by Daryl McBride. I found it quite difficult to recognise the narcissism traits in my mum but this book has a quiz that was very helpful. My mum scored very highly and this helped me to stop doubting myself.

I don't think you should let your mother anywhere near your children. My mother only insults me and my sister....if she started on my kids I'd be NC in an instant.

ToWhitToWhoo · 14/10/2024 18:38

Wow. Some of this could be just thoughtless and 'lacking a filter' but some of it goes way beyond into mental cruelty: giving a child a birthday cake to which they're allergic; the nasty remarks to your dd about 'nobody cares except me'; perhaps worst of all, the things she said to your cousin. Either she has some neurological or mental health problem causing it (has she been medically checked for a possible frontal lobe condition?) or she is just vicious. In any case, she should not be coming to the children's birthdays.

CharlotteLucas3 · 14/10/2024 18:38

Karyl not Daryl

Gymnopedie · 14/10/2024 18:40

she angrily shouts “what do you want me to do, SKIN MYSELF to prove how sorry I am???? RIP MY HEART OUT??”
my husband who’s with me, mad, after seeing our daughter cry, angrily says YES YOU SHOULD.

The correct answer is 'well at least it would prove your apology was genuine. None of your others ever have been.'

If she brings it up again, try it. OTOH I rather hope you never have any contact with her again. She might be lovely some of the time, but you can't even be sure that's the real her. It's like abusive men (and no doubt some women), if they were nasty all the time you wouldn't give them a second chance. They know they have to keep some good bits to keep you thinking it's worth going back for more.

CharlotteLucas3 · 14/10/2024 18:40

And no she isn't ill. My mum sometimes seems like she's ill when she 'switches' (into some sort of psychotic demon mode) but oddly, she never behaves badly with other people.

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 18:43

who cares if she’s ill or not ill
ND or NT

She has abused the Op for years
Was “mean” to the op during her entire childhood
and is now cruel to the Op’s children

I wouldn’t be within 5 miles of her
And my children wouldn’t know her from Adam

MRSsqueak · 14/10/2024 18:44

sounds like its deliberate to me.... and honestly i would call her out on that.... not what she said but the intention behind it. i can be quite direct when i need to be and i wouldnt be letting her get away with it... its not cool and its not by accident either and i would likely say it in front of people to out it for what it is and put a stop to it

DeathstarDarling · 14/10/2024 18:51

You have grown up with this so its not your fault, but please think about the following:

-how she made you feel as a kid with all the manipulation and 'too sensitive' comments. This is how she is making your kids feel. Do you want that?

-What are you showing your kids when she behaves like this to you? That its ok to let someone bully and manipulate you? That you have to put up with it and accept their feeble excuses/fake apologies? Do you think this may be partly why your daughter has been bullied and finds it difficult to make friends?

-How can you draw some boundaries for your kids as their parent? Why don't you reply to your kids when your mother is pleading to come by saying that 'She shouldn't be saying these things to you, it isn't appropriate. She should talk to me - I am your parent and I am in charge here'. You are the adult here, draw some boundaries around your kids. If necessary tell them 'while grandma can be lovely, she can also be very selfish and rude, and on balance I have decided its better if she doesn't come' .Block her if you have to on all your families devices/ SM.

-What can you say that is calm, rational and not reactive when she is inappropriate? plan some things in advance. You have had some good suggestions. Perhaps just 'mum that is a not a reasonable thing to say, please stop now'

Good luck and remember- your house, your kids, your rules, and grey rock! And NC if you have to/want to.

BellesAndGraces · 14/10/2024 18:51

Sorry, OP, but based on your last post, I think you’re the one who is unbelievable. So much drama and you just perpetuate it. The solution is simple and has been the answer for the rest of your family - go no contact with your mum. I would do that before your teens, who will very soon grow up, get some therapy themselves and realise that you were the problem all along for failing to protect them. And change your DC’s mobile numbers so that your mum can’t contact them directly.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/10/2024 18:52

Mememeandmeagain · 14/10/2024 14:36

Update

this woman is unbelievable! So manipulative!

i told her she is no longer invited to any more parties ever

she says I’m SO sorry! Did I really say that? I must be going crazy, but REALLY don’t remember saying that!

I said enough, I don’t need any more fake apologies

she angrily shouts “what do you want me to do, SKIN MYSELF to prove how sorry I am???? RIP MY HEART OUT??”

my husband who’s with me, mad, after seeing our daughter cry, angrily says YES YOU SHOULD.

she then goes SEE YOU ARE THE ONE WHOS A CRUEL EVIL ABUSIVE BULLIES, YOU ARE TELLING ME I SHOULD RIP MY HEART OUT, YOU ARE THE ONES WHO ARE ABUSIVE, BULLYING A POOR WOMAN, TELLING HER SHE SHOULD MUTILATE HERSELF

unbelievable

Edited

You can't do anything about this OP except tell your Mum that her drama upsets you and the children and that you need to keep her clear of your family for the moment, at least until she finds a way to have more self control. Maybe there's a mental health problem that she could get some help with via her doctor.

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 18:53

BellesAndGraces · 14/10/2024 18:51

Sorry, OP, but based on your last post, I think you’re the one who is unbelievable. So much drama and you just perpetuate it. The solution is simple and has been the answer for the rest of your family - go no contact with your mum. I would do that before your teens, who will very soon grow up, get some therapy themselves and realise that you were the problem all along for failing to protect them. And change your DC’s mobile numbers so that your mum can’t contact them directly.

I have to say
I agree

Even the very fact the Op was once again seeing the woman

and why the hell focus on birthday parties?! They’re once a year FGS. What about all the other days when this poisonous woman has been with the Op’s children

scotstars · 14/10/2024 19:02

I wouldn't invite her again and would tell her why. Some people get away with being thoughtless/rude because those round about them say nothing and they then think they haven't said anything wrong.
I have a relative who is tactless borderline verbally abusive when speaking to others. I call them out on it every single time and it has reduced the number of incidents.

AllyArty · 14/10/2024 19:06

Reduce contact with her and tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable and unless she ups her game it will be no contact. You have to be really strict with her and not let her away with anything. Exhausting I know but it’s the only way. She won’t be so horrible she knows she can’t get away with it.

Nickyheet · 14/10/2024 19:12

Stop inviting her to events and stop helping her. Go low contact with her since it seems as if she doesn't care anyway.

Trumpett · 14/10/2024 19:20

She reminds me very much of my own mother, probably not as bad as what you’re describing, but she also says really inappropriate things and she always causes drama on or around a big event, eg birthdays, Christmas and weddings etc. The situation you described where you’d told her to leave the topic of conversation for another day, but she persisted, is exactly something my mum would do. It’s made me dread special occasions, but I feel like I can’t leave her out, because despite it all I do love her and care about her. However, I do draw the line when she upsets the children and we have fallen out a number of times over the years, this seems to be getting more frequent because as the children get older (teen/pre-teen) she seems to think it’s ok to be nasty to them.
My mum is probably ND (I am and so are my children) but tbh I don’t think that makes it any easier. There’s a difference between saying something in the wrong way because you’re ND and you didn’t realise how it would come across or how hurtful it would be, and then there’s just being plain nasty and not caring about hurting people. And as someone who is ND myself, I try my best to not use it as an excuse for poor behaviour, yes it’s why I sometimes misjudge situations and make social errors, but it isn’t an excuse for just being horrible to someone.
Sorry I’ve not got any real advice, other than just set out your boundaries and make it clear that crossing your boundaries will result in you stopping contact. She won’t like it, because she’s so used to being able to emotionally manipulate you, but you can’t carry on with her behaving this way and getting away with it.

lololulu · 14/10/2024 19:23

Is she only like this on birthdays?

80skid · 14/10/2024 19:27

You need to protect your kids from her. Why are you giving her the opportunity to do this? Just because you hope she will be better and wish your kids had a worthy grandmother doesn't equate to it being true. Having her around them is damaging them and you. This needs to end.

Mememeandmeagain · 14/10/2024 19:30

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 18:53

I have to say
I agree

Even the very fact the Op was once again seeing the woman

and why the hell focus on birthday parties?! They’re once a year FGS. What about all the other days when this poisonous woman has been with the Op’s children

She lives on the same street as us (since she got into a relationship with one of our neighbours and moved in with him)

believe me, I did not want to see her

she knocked on the door last night saying she bought kids trainers as a gift, acting like nothing happened, that’s when my husband and I went outside, closed the door, we didn’t let her in, and told her this on the doorstep

the focus is on birthday parties, because she is super sweet and kind the rest of the year and my kids love her, any other time they never had a problem with her, she for some reason chooses parties to behave like this

i didnt have a chance to get to the part where we no longer want a relationship with you, she started screaming and bust into tears

OP posts:
Toptops · 14/10/2024 19:31

She sounds dreadful and so hurtful.
Whether or not this is because she's losing it, I wouldn't expose my loved ones to her vitriol and thoughtlessness.
Maybe you/partner, whoever, meet her in a cafe for tea occasionally.

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