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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
Sweetnessandbite · 13/10/2024 17:29

So to help your Dd. What does she enjoy doing? Does she needs counselling? Can you encourage some clubs or hobbies where she has more chance of making friends? Does she not have any friends at all?

tolerable · 13/10/2024 17:32

OP. I could have written this.
My ma is 80+ and still at it.
It strikes me as odd that nobody has suggested she ma by nd. Has she been spectrum tested? The abrubt(unecessary/rude)commenting especially in social settings is up there.
(argueably so is narcissistic-but as she attempts vague apology and doesnt deny say it im not convinced)-for me,my mum is ..........a nightmare. my sisters and the kids dont get the version i do. Increasingly with age,her wicked mouth has "let slip" more often around them.
If I am there- i clap n raise a glass to granma "doing her usual" Its easier to laugh at her inappropriate shit than to take it on board. Theyve started doing the same. Yes point it out-but never feed it.or feel it. to her they are throw away comments...
Thing is - she isnt going to change.i dont think the pile on that you arent protect your kids is fair. You +they know this is a "her"thing. you\they know better\not inclined to do it.....
@Tiredofallthis101 -thats victim blaming.shes asking for advice now?

you grew up with an abuser --and prob spent your lifetime hurting,embarrased n feeling responsible.you are not.
Tell her- from now on when you do that it will be pointed out-might even keep a journal on it so you can bring to gp.

JWhipple · 13/10/2024 17:35

She's an abusive bully to everyone.

Stop helping her with projects and stop allowing her around your kids. If you don't feel safe or comfortable around her, how do you expect your children to?
She's vile.

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 17:41

It strikes me as odd that nobody has suggested she ma by nd.

It wouldn’t have any impact on me whatsoever. Not a chance she’d have contact with my children. ND or NT… 🤷 irrelevant

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 17:55

This poster above me is correct: the behavior, whatever its origin, is intolerable and cruel. The woman should be avoided for the sake if the children whatever the cause of the behavior.

Jellybeanbag · 13/10/2024 17:59

thepariscrimefiles · 13/10/2024 15:04

Are you accusing the OP of lying? If you don't think this is genuine, report the threat instead of making snarky comments.

Its not that deep that I need to report anything, calm down

IBegYourBiggestPardon · 13/10/2024 18:01

ttcat37 · 13/10/2024 15:19

“who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

Of course she said this to her physically disabled niece, of course she did…
I'm calling bullshit on this one. Nobody says this kind of shit and doesn’t get cast out by the whole family.

My ex mil would say something like this. If anyone pulls her up on it she will feign innocence and or turn on the waterworks

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 18:04

Jellybeanbag · 13/10/2024 17:59

Its not that deep that I need to report anything, calm down

What a silly thing to say! Have you met human beings? They are epically capable of all the stuff OP reports for her mother.

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 18:05

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 18:04

What a silly thing to say! Have you met human beings? They are epically capable of all the stuff OP reports for her mother.

as one of us just struggle to believe a mother would subject her own children to this kind of poisonous person for… years

Jellybeanbag · 13/10/2024 18:21

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 18:04

What a silly thing to say! Have you met human beings? They are epically capable of all the stuff OP reports for her mother.

Never met a human being in my life.

What a silly thing to ask 😦

Normallynumb · 13/10/2024 18:28

Your Mum is truly awful. Does she have no filter or self awareness?
At a guess I'd say it's because all the attention is directed to the focus of the special occasion instead of her, so she tries to sabotage for everyone else.
Does that make her a narcissist? Sounds like it
I simply wouldn't invite her.
There not be many guests, but it's quality over quantity.

5128gap · 13/10/2024 18:33

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 15:24

that is quite a take on what the OP has said has been going on for a “few years”

Is it? I think its quite a take to distress and worry the OP even more by suggesting she'll lose her children over it, when i cant imagine any adult child would cut off an otherwise good mother for the behaviour of someone else. The OP has enough on her plate having a toxic mother to deal with without people ramping up the drama and telling her her children won't speak to her when they grow up.

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 18:34

5128gap · 13/10/2024 18:33

Is it? I think its quite a take to distress and worry the OP even more by suggesting she'll lose her children over it, when i cant imagine any adult child would cut off an otherwise good mother for the behaviour of someone else. The OP has enough on her plate having a toxic mother to deal with without people ramping up the drama and telling her her children won't speak to her when they grow up.

this has been going on for years

I doubt anything is going to stop the same thing happening next year 🤷

5128gap · 13/10/2024 18:40

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 18:34

this has been going on for years

I doubt anything is going to stop the same thing happening next year 🤷

Well hopefully that's not going to be the case and the OP doesn't invite her. Or she invites her and she and her children agree that we ignore grandma because she talks nonsense. Like tends to happen in most families where there's a toxic person. What is highly unlikely to happen is the OPs DC are going to hold their grandmothers annual behaviour as a grudge against OP into adulthood and go 'no contact' with OP.

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 19:01

That really isn’t true. Children do, often, hold their parents accountable for not protecting them from toxic grandparents.

ThinWomansBrain · 13/10/2024 19:06

YABU to still be inviting her round - birthdays or not.

Portakalkedi · 13/10/2024 19:06

Well why on earth would you invite her or allow her in? You are an adult and don't have to let anyone in that you don't want there, parent or not. Arrange a nice day out or trip, and don't tell her about it if you can't stop her coming to your house. Poor kid.

Crikeyalmighty · 13/10/2024 19:10

I think she sounds mentally ill too and needs professional help - to be honest I would be NC with her

NiftyKoala · 13/10/2024 19:22

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 19:01

That really isn’t true. Children do, often, hold their parents accountable for not protecting them from toxic grandparents.

My mother, uncle and aunt never forgave their mother for her mother's abuse. But the were very close to their father who banned them from their home.

StripeyDeckchair · 13/10/2024 19:27

Why do you keep inviting her to events knowing she will behave badly?

Either stop inviting her because of her behaviour or invite her and endure her behaviour - make a choice & stick to it.

xyz111 · 13/10/2024 19:41

You're putting her feelings over your kids. Your kids should be the ones you protect at all costs. You need to change your priorities and stand up for your kids. She doesn't come round for birthdays again. Sounds like everyone keeps letting her get away with it, and some time away from her might give her the kick up the backside she needs to change her ways!!!

Smittenkitchen · 13/10/2024 20:27

Crikeyalmighty · 13/10/2024 19:10

I think she sounds mentally ill too and needs professional help - to be honest I would be NC with her

I think it sounds more like a personality disorder which isn't treatable.. It is absolutely not your fault OP but I agree with PP that you are under reacting not overreacting because of how you've been conditioned by her all your life and of the importance of protecting your kids.

LovePoppy · 13/10/2024 20:38

YABU for continuing to invite her. This is a you problem

Tiredofallthis101 · 13/10/2024 21:21

CantBelieveNaive · 13/10/2024 17:14

Stop blaming the victim. Are you her mum? X

If I was her mum I'd be telling her she's selfish and her lovely mum needs her and has done nothing wrong.

Instead I've said OP knows what is happening is wrong and she has every ability to change it by blocking her mother's contact woth her family. I've said I know it will be very hard but it is ultimately the OP's choice. If you are a parent in a relationship with an abuser and you knowingly let your abuser abuse your child do you think that's ok? No - your child will blame you for not protecting them, even though you are also a victim. OP's mum is a horrible person that has clearly damaged OP's self worth and rational thinking heavily to suit her own ends. But in a sense you can't blame a selfish narcissistic person for hurting you because it is all they are capable of - so you have to act yourself. You have to set and assert your own boundaries and indeed cut them off if needs be. OP is the only one with the power to change this situation.

tolerable · 13/10/2024 21:25

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 17:41

It strikes me as odd that nobody has suggested she ma by nd.

It wouldn’t have any impact on me whatsoever. Not a chance she’d have contact with my children. ND or NT… 🤷 irrelevant

irrelevant to you- perhaps.
which like it or not,wasnt my point There is no shortage of nd/sen/assesment on kids daily suggested on here for pretty much ny behavioural issue. ops mother-
Could actually read (if i wanted to be arsey )as you are non-tolerant of nd people round your kids.The age shouldnt really matter.
I actully laughed at the irony of your flame shooting...
"as one of us just struggle to believe a mother would subject her own children to this kind of poisonous person for… years"
Then i realised....maybe you actully are serious.(and oblivious to how matter of factly +scathing you repeatedly read as). Im not objecting, i kinda favour black n white.
in reality -it doesnt work like that.
Fact is, it s the ops ACTUAL mother,shes been conditioned into cringing/suffering. Shes got to the point its hitting harder every time.grans got enuf hold/sway(and i havent read absolutely no "good"qualities,but be pushed to cll them redeeming)
Kids old nuf they actual do have a relationship with her. so..try being the mum that suddenly severs gran out life- it doesnt fix nything really-the guilt hits differently-is all.
Im not in any way condoning grans mouth. BUT... NC will bring horrible feelings. Change nothing.Perhaps ....review how look at it/handle it/manage situation is lesser evil.
As i said,i cuda writen it. I approach it differnetly now(never gony hurt me again)the "Threat"of mum playing a blinder is gone. its almost a given. you caan not change other people
@Mememeandmeagain Having said all that-is she capable of being lovely?loving?nice? cos if not-i needy retrct all i wrote