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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 15/10/2024 08:18

Should have stopped inviting her years ago

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 15/10/2024 08:25

Mememeandmeagain · 14/10/2024 20:23

A relative who lived with her once said she used to leave the gas/stove on repeatedly, continuously, multiple times a day, and just say oh I forgot every time. I must be losing my mind. No amount of warnings, begging, shouting, talking about how dangerous it is, would help. It got so bad, they were checking the stove multiple times a day after she cooked, would have panic attacks and would wake up in the middle of the night scared. She continued doing this until they had enough and they moved out.

In that case she may well have dementia and can’t help what she’s doing.

Joloman74 · 15/10/2024 08:30

This really doesn't sound normal especially as she has no recollection of what she says. My mum did and said things inappropriate and when we took her to the doctors she was diagnosed with a brain tumour after a ct scan. Now I'm not saying this is what she has but she could have any number of neurological conditions. She really needs to get herself checked ASAP. If everything comes back clear then you need to stop contact with her, no loving parent/grandparent would say these things! Toxic people destroy lives if you let them x

Hmm1234 · 15/10/2024 08:33

No stop inviting her my mother is similar and she gets great pleasure out of being this way. I suspect she did the same to you in your childhood.

Mumbelina5150 · 15/10/2024 08:40

This woman is a narcissist, they can’t stand to see anyone else happy or getting attention, and to a narcissist any attention is better than none, she knows exactly what she’s doing, she’s jealous of the attention her grandchildren get on their birthdays.
M y mother in law was like this, but she’d make out she was so ill she was dying, she’d call her self an ambulance or try to get my husband to take her to hospital, she’d try to ruin every kids birthday. Stop inviting her and look at Dr Ramani on you tube, she has some great videos on narcissistic behaviour.

bubmut · 15/10/2024 09:24

Her behaviour is not acceptable, I am so sorry for you. Two things come to mind reading your post, one, does she drink? Could alcohol be lowering her inhibitions? Or two....what were her birthdays like as a child? Was she ignored? She may be carrying that over and replaying it. Either way, it is not acceptable, she should still know not to say those things.

Fernticket · 15/10/2024 10:06

LeavesOnTrees · 13/10/2024 13:52

She sounds like a narcissist, having to bring the attention back to herself and ruin everyone's fun day.

Stop inviting her.

This. She sounds awful 😞.

pinkgrevillea · 15/10/2024 10:24

I know someone like this, nasty and complete lack of empathy and always ramps it up a bit for birthdays that aren't hers.... you need to minimise conflict/learn grey rock technique and honestly ban her from attending. Or give her one last chance and then say something along the lines of, you don't see to manage very well at parties, maybe sit this one out?
She will hate it. But you'll finally relax. Just go out for a meal with your kids and enjoy it. It will takea time to get to that point but it's worth it - you're so used to having this woman ruin things you may not even know that birthdays can be enjoyable.
She sounds vile. Sympathies.

MsNeis · 15/10/2024 10:28

She has serious issues, personality disorder type of issues... Limit drastically your contact with her. Stop expecting her to be someone she is not (and can never) be. I'm sorry, OP 💐

LookItsMeAgain · 15/10/2024 11:13

My advice at this stage is to drop the rope.
Stop inviting her in to your home, your home should be a safe space and she isn't currently (or probably will ever be) welcome there.
Stop arranging to do things with her.
Just stop interacting with her.
Be polite and cordial towards her but you need to stop interacting with her entirely.

You didn't need to have her around and you didn't need to actually tell her that she isn't invited to any parties going forwards. You just need to not extend an invite to her when there is something going on.

If I were you now, I'd let your DH deal with her. Don't let her in if she shows up at your door. Make like you're heading out and that she shouldn't have wasted her time coming over.

Be firm with her. Show her that her screaming antics will no longer work on you or your kids. You're going to have to not scream back or shout at her - better to remain really calm and almost icy in how you reply to any comment from her. She can be the one to lose her temper or start shouting at you but you reply with "We're leaving now because we no longer put up with anyone who screams and shouts at us." and then leave immediately or get her to leave your home (but she really shouldn't be there if you don't let her in).

Stay strong. You'll manage to get through this.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/10/2024 11:32

@Mememeandmeagain - you wrote "Other than these last few years and only on birthdays, she is very nice, my kids adore her...they beg me to invite her"

You then need to have a word with your children to say that Grandma isn't well at the moment and you can't see her for the time being. Even if they beg you, you must say that it's best to leave Grandma and X (whoever she has moved in with) to sort things out themselves and you move on to change the subject.

If she wasn't a blood relative, would you be inviting a person who screams and shouts at you to any sort of event that you're hosting? Probably not. Treat her the same way then. Detach yourself from her.

As for the relatives who are suddenly concerned about her well being, block them too - tell them that you are no longer responsible for her care or well being and if they are so concerned, they should be the ones making the effort here, but block them too. You are not beholden to them for anything.

Playinwithfire · 15/10/2024 11:44

I think you are being unreasonable.

You know how she behaves, boundaries aren't communicated and you still invite her!

DoTheDinosaurStomp · 15/10/2024 12:33

Thunderpants88 · 13/10/2024 17:11

OP. Get a grip of yourself. Stand up and advocate for your children. You teach them by example how they should expect to be treated.

I would be going very very low
contact with you Mum and only meeting up with her on her own for coffee where you can walk away if she starts being inappropriate.

I would also be sending her a pointed and direct text
”Mum your recent behaviour and history of inappropriate and hurtful comments have gone on long enough. I am sick of having to police your conversation. You do not heed social queues or have any respect for anyone’s feelings around you. You also make fake and false apologies before going back to the exact same behaviour. You are an adult. You are in full control of what comes out of your mouth. Until I see consistent evidence of change you are not welcome to any special occasions. You will not manipulate your way out of this.

You have chosen how you behave. When you take accountability of this, reflect and change we can hopefully spend more time together. I will stand my ground. What happens next is entirely your responsibility”

Perfect. And do not engage further in any 'but' your mother may come out with. Do not engage in argument. Send the message, switch your phone off and do not engage further on the matter.

cannockcandy · 15/10/2024 12:46

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 15:25

She was cast out. No one in my family talks to her after this. Even though right after she said it she said “omg what tf did I just say, I’m such a stupid idiot. I must be losing my mind, I’m so sorry, wtf is wrong with me, I didn’t mean it, you are so talented and hardworking, any boss will be so lucky to have you, don’t listen to me, I’m just jealous of how successful you are” she says she had too much to drink.

she keeps begging for forgiveness but no one than me and my kids talk to her now.

Edited

My mum is EXACTLY like this too! Thankfully, not towards my son, but ALWAYS towards me. I have several severe chronic health conditions that prevent me from working. She sat on my sofa while i was trying to clean the house and said to me, and I quote, "I wish I was like you and didn't have to work". I just stared at her for a couple of seconds and walked out of the room. That same visit I ended up being rushed into hospital, while I was there with my partner she text me a shopping list for "when you're coming home". She didn't ask how I was or what the drs had said!
I haven't seen her now in a few years, we speak on the phone probably once a month at most and every single conversation turns into one about her, regardless of the subject matter. I know that mentally I cannot have her here to visit. I know it will end one of two ways, either I will explode or I'll end up sobbing in my bedroom. Neither of which I want to subject my son to.

OP, the best thing you can do is cut her off. I know it's hard, but all of these special events being ruined by your own mother is going to cause even more permanent damage, and, more importantly, permanent damage for your families memories of these events.

Janesuperbrain · 15/10/2024 14:20

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 17:06

my grandparents died when I was young, but she always talks about how much they disliked her, couldn’t stand her but loved her brother

hmmm I wonder why

Narcissists are usually created because of poor treatment in childhood from their care givers, you could have it the wrong way round. Obviously we all make a conscious choice how we treat others, so ask her to seek treatment or ship out.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/10/2024 14:53

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 15:25

She was cast out. No one in my family talks to her after this. Even though right after she said it she said “omg what tf did I just say, I’m such a stupid idiot. I must be losing my mind, I’m so sorry, wtf is wrong with me, I didn’t mean it, you are so talented and hardworking, any boss will be so lucky to have you, don’t listen to me, I’m just jealous of how successful you are” she says she had too much to drink.

she keeps begging for forgiveness but no one than me and my kids talk to her now.

Edited

I thought you said she doesn’t drink?

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sesa145 · 15/10/2024 16:32

Why do you invite her then?

HRTQueen · 15/10/2024 17:01

There are some on here being very harsh towards the op.

if you believe the op isn't being honest and this is a made up thread report to MN

If you have read the op's posts you will realise that this is not new behaviour. Its confusing when a parent behaves in this way, it so often becomes very confusing, this isn't how a parent should treat their child/children and to add to the confusion as at times she is loving and supportive

honestly some of you really need to look at your own behaviour, one nasty post and others follow

toomuchfaff · 15/10/2024 17:04

WYorkshireRose · 13/10/2024 13:47

Stop inviting her then 🤷‍♀️ Or just accept this is how she is.

This.

And when she asks why she isn't invited, tell her it's because of her actions.

Penguinfeet24 · 15/10/2024 17:09

Every bit of that is rude and entitled, no way would I be inviting her to anything ever
again.

CeruleanDive · 15/10/2024 17:32

Has anyone directed you to the Stately Homes thread, @Mememeandmeagain?

The first post should be helpful as a starting point:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5178966-october-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Biiz · 15/10/2024 18:42

It does remind me of an older family member before they were diagnosed with a neurological disorder, mention this to the Doctor. If you think back is this a change in her personality in recent years, she sounds confused. It's hard going.

ZoeSed · 15/10/2024 22:11

Please keep her away from the kids she will knock out any remaining confidence that they have and will no doubt affect them mentally in the future

AmIEnough · 16/10/2024 07:44

Does your mother have Tourette’s syndrome?! If not she sounds bloody awful! I think in future I would take my daughter out for the day for her birthday and do something with just you and her. Your DM clearly has no boundaries.

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