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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
Mememeandmeagain · 14/10/2024 20:32

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 20:31

What was your husband doing there?

I thought….

my husband and I are separated,

Did you also see the part where I said he’s in the kids lives?

It’s weird that a separated parent would still visit his kids?

we still have a good relationship and stayed good friends

OP posts:
Maria1979 · 14/10/2024 20:37

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:02

“I’m shocked, I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me lol” “I thought I was the only one wishing you happy birthday all these years lol” today she says my daughter and i how extremely sensitive we are and how there’s nothing wrong with that comment.

am I sensitive? Or this rude saying this especially knowing granddaughter has no friends

Edited

She is HORRIBLE !! Now, you know this so just don't invite her. She's being deliberately hurtful to all her family members and even bought a cake your DC was allergic to because she liked it. Mother or not, she would not set a foot in my house because nobody hurts my children. You are being unreasonable for having let this shitshow going on for so many years!

Mayana1 · 14/10/2024 20:38

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

Never invite her again. Ever. She is a narcissist. She makes everything about herself. Poor me, look at me, everyone is nasty to me with no reason, I didn't do anything, I'm a victim. Just exclude her from everything. She has no rights to control your life.

Mayana1 · 14/10/2024 20:47

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:02

“I’m shocked, I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me lol” “I thought I was the only one wishing you happy birthday all these years lol” today she says my daughter and i how extremely sensitive we are and how there’s nothing wrong with that comment.

am I sensitive? Or this rude saying this especially knowing granddaughter has no friends

Edited

That sounds awful and especially from a person, who supposed to be their second mom. My grandma was the nicest person I've ever known. So gentle, full of love, supportive, making us best birthday's and Christmas parties, never undermine anyone, trying to make everyone happy, although her life was not full of roses. That's how a grandma should be. Feel so sorry for you and your kids.
Sorry but I need to ask- is there a reason for your kids not having friends? Did you try to sort out whatever the issue?

T1Dmama · 14/10/2024 21:01

Thanks for clearing it up….
what did you respond to the family texting you?

T1Dmama · 14/10/2024 21:05

It’s a shame you can’t move. How do the kids feel now? Are they on board for going no contact?

DeeCeeCherry · 14/10/2024 21:13

You could've stopped inviting her but you didn't. So how bad is it really? I mean you're prepared to have your own children upset, rather than dis-invite your mum. You're putting her first. That says a lot. My mum has similar tendencies, I've been very low contact with her for the last 7 years, and she's not welcome at my home. Then again I'm not a yeah but she's my mum type of person, life's far too short to put up with toxics

Havinganamechange · 14/10/2024 21:24

Don’t invite her again, lie if you have to and tell her you will be away or have other plans. No way would I put up with any of that shit. She is a selfish cow and only cares about herself.

Dovecare · 14/10/2024 21:43

You need to get your mum to see a doctor. This sounds very much like adult adhd.

Mememeandmeagain · 14/10/2024 21:54

Dovecare · 14/10/2024 21:43

You need to get your mum to see a doctor. This sounds very much like adult adhd.

I thought about this, but she’s been a primary school teacher and private tutor for 40 years, a very in demand succesful private tutor, to this day, with many great reviews and happy parents, would someone with adhd able to achieve this?

OP posts:
C36M · 14/10/2024 22:03

Mememeandmeagain · 14/10/2024 21:54

I thought about this, but she’s been a primary school teacher and private tutor for 40 years, a very in demand succesful private tutor, to this day, with many great reviews and happy parents, would someone with adhd able to achieve this?

Edited

Yes people with ADHD can achieve that. I’d be more concerned about possible dementia

perfectstorm · 14/10/2024 22:33

Dovecare · 14/10/2024 21:43

You need to get your mum to see a doctor. This sounds very much like adult adhd.

Adult ADHD doesn't make someone a dick. There's a significant difference between lacking a filter, and not giving a shit about other people's feelings.

Dementia, yes. ADHD, no.

ConstanceM · 14/10/2024 22:35

She's a toxic blood sucker and will suck the life out of family events. She's cruel and knows exactly what she is doing. We had to block my MIL for 18 month to get our sanity back, the MIL did change and doesn't come out with as much toxic nonsense as before.

Missingpop · 14/10/2024 22:47

I tell her to keep the F away honestly do you really want such a selfish cow around your kids she sounds a right nightmare personally I’d end up telling her straight your such a selfish bitch go just go & don’t come back your an embarrassment I don’t want my children to think your behaviour is acceptable it isn’t just get out of my sight !!!!

HRTQueen · 14/10/2024 22:55

No surprise she has always been like this

its draining and drags you down and it’s confusing why would a mother do this that question is intensified when we become mums ourselves and don’t want our children to feel sad/humiliated and so on

step back she doesn’t deserve to be at celebrations because she has no intention of the day passing without some upset it’s who she is and you can’t change/fix her and certainly not reason with her

pikkumyy77 · 14/10/2024 23:02

Borderline and/or NPD fits this better. She sounds like a covert narc to me. They get their fuel being lovely and helpful publicly (teacher, tutor, good grandma) but there are certain things that really activate their cruelty (weakness, fat, vulnerability) and they will often blow up or destroy people on holidays and birthdays because they can’t take the spotlight shining on anyone else. The covert narc part refers to a tendency to hide out/disguise their narcissism under the guise of “just being helpful” or pretending to forget what they have said or done when called to account.

The narcissist’s prayer, IIRC:

That never happened
And if it did it wasn’t that bad
And if I did it I didn’t mean it
And anyway you deserved it
Etc…etc…

HRTQueen · 14/10/2024 23:15

It’s not really helping trying to diagnose the op’s mother as none of us can

what does matter is she makes those around her feel uncomfortable/unhappy/belittles them

And the op needs to find the strength to step back, she may never understand her mother but to accept mm that this is the way she is is really hard and painful

try setting very strict boundaries I will call on x day, we shall meet every month/week etc she will most likely try to ignore your boundaries but you keep at it and over time it will become easier

best of luck op

Bowies · 14/10/2024 23:56

No she’s off the charts, you and DD had a normal reaction, but with her track record she’s not going to change now.

FancyHelper · 15/10/2024 00:47

She sounds horrible. I’d stop worrying about her though and be more concerned why your DD doesn’t have friends. Join clubs, find a mum you can connect with and concentrate on building relationships for your DD

TheMamaLife · 15/10/2024 04:05

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:50

Growing up she would always tell me how extremely sensitive I am if I were upset at her rude comments or behavior. Call me crazy. Would say I have a mental illness because it’s not normal to get upset like this over nothing. Threaten to take me to a doctor and put me on medication and antidepressants if I react like this.

I guess thats why I still keep thinking if I’m overreacting

She’s a narcissist and gaslighter. My sister, also a narcissist and gaslighter, spent a week telling me that my allergy medication was an antidepressant and that, mixed with pregnancy hormones, was the reason why I was upset with her for breaking plans (and not telling me) that she had made to take my toddler to the park when I was suffering the worst morning sickness - I had called to ask if she was running late, and her reply was “I changed my mind, I fancied a lay-in”!

So yeah, I must be the one medically unwell in the head for her being such a bitch.

I feel for you OP, I can cut my relative loose, but as she’s your mother, it won’t be so easy.. (my sister has two kids too and I’ve been watching her crap all over their lives since they were babies - one has gone “no-contact” with her now, aged 16, and the other, he’s had to find god in order to forgive and accept his mothers antics.

Josette77 · 15/10/2024 05:00

You're an only child, who are your niece and nephews parents? What do they say?

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 06:05

Josette77 · 15/10/2024 05:00

You're an only child, who are your niece and nephews parents? What do they say?

another hole

along with mother never drinking alcohol and judging anyone who does but then blaming it on drink

separated from husband but then referring him to “me and my husband go outside”

and apparently the mother ONLY being cruel on birthdays but every other day being kind and “so lovely” and 🤔

and now the “i am an only child” but with nieces and nephews

CommonAsMucklowe · 15/10/2024 06:54

Do not invite her! Why are you doing this to yourself and family?

Jack80 · 15/10/2024 07:25

Why invite her, see her the next day when its not their birthday

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 15/10/2024 07:55

Mememeandmeagain · 14/10/2024 19:33

It’s like she has two split personalities, two people are living inside her

she acts so nice that my kids forget, forgive and beg me to invite her again every year

Edited

So when she does this you need to remember that the promises are false. It’s down to you, OP. Stop inviting her for special occasions.

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