AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

I wouldn't worry about it too much, OP. If you carry on being this judgemental towards other parents, you will be doing your days out alone and it won't be a problem.

If you really want to be an effective parent, you will stop expecting others around you to fall in line with what you think is appropriate and learn to develop better strategies for managing your dd's expectations and behaviour.

All parents will have different boundaries and approaches. Some will be very strict and some will be very permissive. Some will be strict a lot of the time but ditch the rules on certain occasions such as holidays or days out. Some will be strict about some things but very lax about others, depending on their own personal perceptions about what's important. Some will end up changing their initial approach to stuff in response to the specific needs and characteristics of their children. We cannot control how other parents do stuff, so we can only focus on managing the relationship with our own dc.

At 9, your dd is old enough to understand that different families do things differently, and she shouldn't be having meltdowns about this kind of thing. You need to focus less on what you perceive to be the shortcomings in other people's parenting and more on how you're parenting your own dc.

Of course you cannot be.
Stop making assumptions.

Yes I can. No sensible parent would do that.

@zeitweilig
My child wouldn't have wanted that amount of food tbh, and I didn't think it was up to me to police what other people's children ate

You are avoiding answering.
The OP isn't policing what the other peoples kids are eating, she didn't say anything to the parents or children. She thinks it's excessive though. It is excessive and I bet you think that too.

It's an honest answer.
If someone wants to eat that amount, every so often, it really isn't an issue.
Clearly it's not a great diet for every day, but there's nothing to suggest this occurs every day.
I'm not going to lie to suit your narrative.

You're assuming it's a routine thing.
You cannot do that.

You’re determined to keep this thread going aren’t you.Why all the comments, questioning you’ve made it perfectly clear what you think The only one here, pushing their narrative is you.

Ok well put it this way, based on your comments, the amount of comments you have made and your response to every person who has posted I would say:

You are a person who thinks they are always right
You don't change your opinion but expect others to change theirs
You have to have the last word
You are overly invested in the thread, maybe it has strick a nerve

Does that sound right? Do you think that is an accurate reflection? Have I read your comments the way you intended?

It’s hard parenting your child around other people parenting their child. This is just life. You adjust, they adjust because you do actually care about spending time together. When I hang out with friends or family with kids, the adults communicate, we negotiate middle grounds, we let things slide etc. No parent has the exact same approach you do. So a bit of give and take and chill is needed. I say this as a parent of an autistic child who loves a rule and gets in a flap if the “rules” aren’t followed. You do need to manage it as a grown up. Otherwise you’ll have to socially isolate.

Completely agree.

It's unusual for a 9 year old to have such extreme reactions to being told no to a treat. You also seem to be anxious about issues with social cues/interactions.

Are there other areas of development with her that concern you?

I'm replying to comments, many directed at me.

I think it's as inaccurate as all the other assuming posts.
My point has been, and remains, that OP (and others) are judging other's parenting based on a small snapshot of their food consumption.

🫣

Presumably you know from experience how these families feed their kids? If you don’t like it, why do you continue to go out with them?

Btw, Subway cookies are every bit as bad as donuts.

I agree that the snacking on the go culture is excessive, but I think deciding on whether to have snacks has ultimately got to come from the kids themselves. If they're not in the habit of having lots of snacks, they probably won't want one when offered. I'd try to limit the time you spend with people who dole out snacks every half hour.

Sorry but concentrate on your own child. If someone else relents and gives in to their child it has bugger all to do with you. Your child has to suck it up. Your child had a treat before the others. Lesson learnt.

I think that the tone in this post comes across as quite judgemental to other people. I

My personal view is that if my kids are having a fun day out with friends I can be a bit more flexible with what they eat, and I tend to let them follow the pack. I’m happy as long as they are getting something good in alongside the junk. It’s an ‘occasionally’ thing for me. It will have no impact on their health as they get older, especially because we talk a lot about eating preferences vs what our bodies need at home and I actually believe that it’s important to give children opportunities to regulate their own food intake on occasion (even if that means they overeat the bad stuff).Also as a parent, honestly, I want a break too. I would feel a bit mean restricting my child of something if none of their friends were experiencing the same, I try to treat them how I would like to be treated and I try as far as possible to avoid rules around food intake / what/ how much because I don’t want to link power and control to food.

Similarly with pointing out the excuse me, I think there might be a time and a place. If it was pretty rude and the person needed an apology in the moment I would take a 9year old to the side and explain, then I would support them to say sorry. If it didn’t need to be an apology in the moment I would just have a private chat when we got home. 9 year olds can feel embarrassed and infantilised by parents acting like this with them, it doesn’t sound like she was trying to be rude by what you’ve said.

For context, I am a person who came from a family where I wouldn’t have been allowed an ‘extra’ treat and I would have felt singled out to my friends. It was also an ongoing joke in my group of friends that my Mum was really inflexible and unreasonable when I moved into my teen years because of things like that. It probably had the opposite effect because when I was a bit older and had more autonomy to buy whatever I wanted I found it difficult to know when to stop having treats even though I knew all about the health risks/benefits.

This is an excellent response.

Tbh, it sounds like you and your daughter are the issue within all this.
You had a food addiction, so are projecting your own experiences onto your child.
Your daughter is sufficiently socially unaware at 9 to be unable to say "excuse me" in an appropriate manner.
Your child actually comes out with "...am having this" and "you will give it to me" in public.
I'd suggest you would benefit from looking more closely at you and your daughter, rather than whinging about your friends and their children on MN.

No this isn’t the case, many comments have been directly to OP, you’ve then questioned them, which is fine, this is more about the volume of them, you’re repeatedly doing this.
This thread, has now turned into, all about you.

What are you adding to the thread now exactly?
My comments are on topic.

Junk food is literally an addiction. Have you ever given it up?

I was allowed unlimited junk as a kid and its not how I'm bringing my child up. We know better and can do better.

Not eating junk food doesn't immediately make someone judgey with food issues. People who eat junk food usually have food issues in the sense that the food is literally addictive.

If I don't eat junk for a week, I don't want it. As soon as I slip into eating it, it snowballs. For me, and many others, its like a smoker trying to have just one. It is literally addictive. It's why the nation's eating habits are so full of junk food now.

Limiting junk food is not a food issue. Nit everything is an issue.

Clearly this is a difficult concept for you, other people have opinions too.
You’re overly invested in this thread.

Hi @LiarLiarKnickersAblaze !

I think people are being rather harsh towards you! Your initial post did come across as a little 'judgey' but I think you've rectified that, especially in your later replies.

I agree with others re. the "excuse me" comment. IMO you should have praised what your daughter did well (saying it) and maybe had a little chat about volume/waiting afterwards.

I agree with you re. junk food. That's an extortionate amount, and in such a small space of time! Maybe in the future you can chat with your daughter beforehand - remind her that children's parents allow different things, and sometimes that may feel unfair to her. Perhaps try and guide the conversation so that your daughter feels in control of the choices she makes. What is a reasonable amount of treats to have? Then agree that you'll stick to that decision whilst there. If things begin to go in a negative direction quietly remind her of the agreement you made earlier. Hopefully that's helpful! X