AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

I agree with you op.
When I go out with friends with the kids, the snacks were always healthy.
We'd have the odd ice cream or bag of sensations but there's always cut veg and fruit and homemade cakes.
If you tend to eat healthy, then a snapshot of a day tends to be mainly healthy too.

A snapshot of a day might out might be a reflection of food in general, but it also might not. It's more likely to be the latter in my experience.

I’m not sure that’s true? The op is clearly health conscious, and I fully believe her and her daughter have a predominately very healthy diet. But the snapshop of the op’s day (from her own first post) is a subway sandwich and cookie for lunch, a doughnut while out with friends, and a sweet treat for movie night. I actually don’t think as a stand alone day this matters, but it’s certainly not ‘mainly healthy’.

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze I agree about the excuse me. Saying excuse me please doesn’t mean ‘I’m going to barge past and give you no time to respond’, or it never used to. Sometimes you do have to wait. Sometimes the person may not hear. However, perhaps you could have some
of the conversations with DD later in private - “well done for being polite but I think the lady was hard of hearing, so bear in mind you may need to give people extra time/be patient”

I didn't read it that way. I think she described a very familiar situation that a lot of parents face and asked for advice on what to do. I didn't find her superior or judgemental and she actually been very reflective in the advice given.

But you could literally say the same thing about the comments on here including yours. People have made judgements about OP as a person and a parent based on this snapshot of her. That's human nature and you are as guilty of it as OP.

I agree. My son is preschool age so I have a few years before this.

As much as I'd like to say - no smart phones, no social media etc. I know I would be doing him a disservice. Really what I need to do as a parent is teach him how to use this tech safely and responsibly.

The horse has already bolted - smart phones and social media are here to stay. Not letting your kid use them is not going to prepare them.

I'm not saying give them everything super young but in early teen years introduce it and monitor usage

If your kid's still having tantrums at 9, I don't think you have the high ground to judge other parents!

If you were in the OPs situation, as she described it, would you have let your kid have more treats than she had already had though? A subway cookie and a doughnut is a lot of food especially after a subway.

Clearly we've read it differently.
My response to OP reflects her comments.

But it was just a day at the park, nothing special about it. If this a normal, low-key day filled with treats what do you do for birthdays, holidays etc.? I don't understand how anyone can justify this amount of snacks on a normal, Saturday afternoon.

If you're meeting up with friends and know there might be 'treats' then it's probably not ideal to have a Subway and a cookie beforehand, if you know that will limit sharing enjoyment of other treats.

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze have you looked into the idea of some neurodiversity the tantrums/not understanding social cues/shouting and not getting the concept that different parents have different rules - plus the sleep issues I think you said you had

Maybe a day at the park with friends is special to them. Not everyone lives grand lives with big celebrations.

Yes I do. Purely because donuts are very clearly a treat / dessert type food and in our house that is only acceptable at certain times. Much like I would have a glass of wine with my friends but I don’t sit at home drinking bottles in my own. I also have a slice of cake at social occasions but don’t buy cakes to scoff at home on the sofa either. We socialise and eat with friends.

For me, meals are healthy and balanced - subway or other junk food as meals blurs the lines of what is essentially cake but eating it as a sandwich.

anyway my point was actually that it doesn’t matter what everyone else’s boundaries are - we can see by looking at other adults around us that everyone has different attitudes to food. Try not to judge your friends at least, parenting is tough and you should try to support each other that’s all.

Not your responsibility until you’re paying taxes through the nose for a stretched health care system that can’t cope with lifestyle diseases.

yeah, you do you.

Don't spend lots of Time and hang out with people who have a radically different parenting style. Or if you are seeing these people for some reason, then adjust your expectations.

If you know that you are seeing the snacking people, then have a really healthy lunch beforehand.

I am as sure as I can be. The parents and kids both sound like a nightmare. They had been given unhealthy snack after snack and still wanted something from the shop. The parents could easily have said no but they didn't, why on earth on? Because the kids would have kicked off.

As you had to explain to your dd “different parents, different rules”.

You cannot be sure at all.
You're reading a lot into a snapshot.

@zeitweilig

Even if she hadn't had the subway would you have allowed one of you kids to have two doughnuts, two packs of crisps and another treat (icecream or chocolate) all in one play date?

I'm guessing you wouldn't?

Your response to OP reflects the way you perceived OP's comments. The way my response reflects my perception of her comments and my perception of yours. All of us are just making judgements based on on our own experiences and values.

My child wouldn't have wanted that amount of food tbh, and I didn't think it was up to me to police what other people's children ate. I have no idea of exactly what he ate at ther people's houses or parties etc, but it was/is part of an overall balanced diet. We've never made treat foods taboo but we also eat fairly healthily.

I'm reading what she's actually written and responding to that.

I actually have this too and I don't think yabu
The UK food culture for junk is terrible. I have a friend who is love dearly but she has no food rules at sll. Her kids don't have to eat meals or have lunch at 11am and gave whole nags of haribo or giant cookies. We eat at 3 set meal times and 2 snack times. You wait for your next mealtime. It drives me nutty being out with her.

Of course I can be. No sensible parent would give snack after snack and then say yes to them going to a sweet shop.