AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

I agree that limiting junk food is definitely not an issue.
Assuming you know much about someone's overall diet, based on one snapshot on a day out, is definitely an issue.
We should all try to eat a healthy diet but that can include less healthy things every now and then.

No, they’re repetitive and you’ve just taken over the thread, that is my point.

Again, what are you adding?

Hello, can we ask for some peace and love please? This thread is being derailed which is not helpful to the OP. Remember you can always hit the report button if you'd like us to take a look at anything.

I’ve already said, l don’t think OP is being unreasonable, that’s what l’ve added.

You know I'm referring to your comments directed at me.
I made relevant points and you decided to tell me I wasn't allowed to make comments. What did that add? Nothing. Stay on topic. We're not all going to like each other.

And what do you know about it!? You weren't there!!

I'm so sick of people telling the OP they don't know what happened as if they had some sort of birds eye view of a situation they never bloody witnessed!!!

Please can you leave this now.This isn’t about not liking you, l don’t know you.My point is l have an opinion too.

I'm happy to move on.
Perhaps you could have just left it to start with. Bear that in mind next time.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all OP. Junk food is far too common and we call it "treats" to soften the fact that it's not healthy. But that means a treat is an occasional thing, certainly not more than once a day. I would tell her, when you are not in the situation (before meeting up with friends), that the reason you don't just agree to treats is because they are not healthy. Warn her in advance she will get one treat only when out with friends, she can choose it. If she's had the donut then she doesn't get sweets later. Perhaps make it part of a bigger education by getting her to choose and help cook healthy meals.

' I myself have had a junk food addiction in the past in my teenage years. '

and that is the cause of the whole issue here.

you knew your child was meeting up with friends in the park, so why on earth did she not have a healthy suitable lunch at home ?

and meltdowns / tantrums - she is 9 ? not 2 or 3 !!!

' Most people have chronic illnesses from their 40s.'

do they ? really ???

well please exclude me from this assumption, as i am in my 60's and have never had a chronic illness.

I totally get what you’re trying to say OP and I 100% agree.

And it’s also incredibly insulting to imply that chronic illnesses are the fault of those of us who suffer from them. Way to be ableist, too!

I'm still astounded that people aren't judging someone who gives there kids lunch then two doughnuts, two packets of crisps and an icecream 😅

Oh, people are definitely judging that.

I understand how you felt @LiarLiarKnickersAblaze because, while my DD is younger than yours, I've had similar experiences and felt completely out of control. There's always the dilemma: doing what you know is healthier or allowing her freedom. And the balance is difficult to achieve, so I feel you.
Things that came to mind while reading you and/or things I've learned myself:

1. Choose your battles, especially when in public.
2. Limit exposure to "bad influences" (this includes,but not only, people... even "friends") and make it strategic (be analytical, plan, be subtle about it).
3. When you can't beat them... find balance (what others said: plan home meals according to the food she's likely going to consume out of the home in a given day, for instance). Find your own way of doing this.
4. Don't beat yourself up: whatever the conflict of the day, it will pass and you'll survive it.
5. Try not to obssess about food being "good" or "bad", but be coherent. If your DD need to experience for herself what eating unhealthy snacks does to her tummy, "let her" (once, don't get me wrong: I'm not advocating for child neglect here) and explain to her without blame or shame that "oh, that's why we prefer other food that makes us feel better, see?" or sonething similar.

I hope you find your way (and I hope I find my way too 😅): I definitely get the frustration with other kinds of "parenting" affecting my DC. Good luck! 🍀

The thing with having doughnuts or chocolate or sweets without limit very soon children don’t see them as treats. They become on the same thrill level as having a piece of fruit or some carrot sticks and hummus. They are as likely to choose the carrot sticks as they are the doughnut. They develop the ability of listening to their bodies and don’t have the same craving as a child who sees treats as something of a rarity. The “treats” get less enticing especially when they are considered as everyday stuff

MIL once decided to feed dc sweets as a special treat, except by that stage dc didn’t see them as treats but as everyday stuff that was available anytime and they preferred a cheese and tomato sandwich.

I think mil thought I was as strict as her with sugary snacks and I didn’t give them treats. They were 5 and 4 years old and didn’t understand the concept that sweets were considered treats. I had never said no to sugary stuff which took the mystery and allure away

Now DS especially, can go months without eating a sugary snack. Dd can go weeks.

Dd went to senior school with someone who wasn’t allowed sweets or chocolate etc. Whilst she told her parents that she was buying a sandwich or baked potato and some fruit for lunch, instead she was chomping down on a giant bar of chocolate.

Not all chronic illnesses are caused by lifestyle but many are, especially the large increase in diabetes, heart disease etc we are seeing in the population now.

I have endometriosis, obviously not my fault but I still don't feel the need to go round shouting ableist! At people who see the decline in public health due to lifestyle and correctly call it out. The NHS is buckling under the weight of huge proportions of the public being in poor health due to poor lifestyle choices.

I had 'treats' limited as a child and I quickly became obese as a teenager as I used to hide snacks and eat in secret. Turned to food for comfort completely and I am sure it is because getting a chocolate bar as a 'special treat' gave me some endorphin boost.

I’ll always give my opinion, understanding it’s not just my opinion that matters.
l don’t need to resort to, the comment you’ve just made.

I had treats limited as a child (had practically zero because treats in the 80s were expensive and we were poor).

I was very slim all my life and now (in my 40s) I'm average size.

Different strokes for different folks, I don't limit food types and don't label things as junk etc. makes it too alluring. My kids prefer fruit over pretty much anything, the only groans I ever get about food is if I've forgotten to pick up blueberries. Maybe I'm just lucky, who knows?

I'm thin and active now but have suffered with eating disorders my whole adult life. When I'm stressed, I have to work very hard not to turn to food. I will not allow the same with my children.

Not allowing your dd a phone until she is 16 is just repeating the issues you are having with the snacks.
When do you propose you teach her about internet safety, how are you going to have a parental lock on the phone when she is probably going to have at least a Saturday job and can pay for the phone herself.

There is no teaching going on just the words No or Not allowed and there isn’t any practical solutions

There is also a lot of criticising and judging and a lot of hypocrisy and mixed messages

You aren’t teaching your child anything. You aren’t allowing her autonomy to get to the stage where she can listen to her own body and make choices without criticism.

If you know you are going to be out and the other parent is constantly feeding their child snacks, why not make your own “ snacks”

Make flapjacks or cookies that appeal to the other children as well. Get your dd involved with the process. Then when your dd and the other children get used to your home made snacks start to very slowly reduce the sugar in them by a tiny amount every few weeks until they either notice the difference or you get to a point you are comfortable with the amount of sugar they are made with.
You can then monitor the amount of sugar going in. Have a fruit smoothie, water, chocolate croissants etc in your bag as well as fruit that won’t go off or mushy like grapes and some berries etc

Be practical and more focussed on what you can teach your Dd. Just saying No and expecting your dd to learn is never going to work.

YANBU - your friends’ children sound like spoilt monsters.