AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

Surely anyone with common sense would have foreseen that there might be treats at a play date and therefore planned around that. Either by not giving a very high calorie treat before, or by accepting DD would have extra treats that day and it isn't the end of the world.

Giving her the subway beforehand was a pretty stupid choice. If you hadn't done that then she either could have had treats with her friends with no drama or if there were no treats you could have given her the subway lunch another time.

Some people are better at some aspects of parenting than others and children are all challenging in different ways. It does sound like a lot of snacks, but the issue really is your dd needs to learn that your boundaries are the ones that count. Throwing tantrums get you nowhere in this house, saying please might earn you an extra doughnut!

Funny how people can say the daughter didn't shout when OP has said she did.

I've seen kids like this, especially around sweets and well done OP for teaching her manners.
Girl or boy, if a child is being rude, as a parent, you correct them.

Treat wise, you talk to them at home and explain how others might have lots from their parents, but she can only have x amount.
Repeat before you get in and remind her again if needed.

I remember a three year old on a playdate who when offered sweets, said they're only allowed 2.

Parent had dropped and left but clearly had instilled boundaries with her kids from an early age.

I realise this is not the norm of course but is doable.

She was allowed a donut & selected a treat for Saturday night movie night so I am by no means restrictive and as others have said, this was after a Subway so that's more than what a lot would do so I can't be claiming superiority.

But each child having 2-3 bags of crisps, 2 donuts, 1 ice cream and a lolly in 1.5 hours was too much imo. Even without cookie at lunch she would have been allowed one more of those things or appetite for dinner ruined.

I mean I wouldn’t mix with them. Sounds like diabetes in the making. I’d be explaining to my child that it will make them ill to eat so badly and that what they’re eating isn’t real food. She’s old enough to understand. I would look for new groups and encourage the healthy habits you believe in!! Good luck x

I would have a tantrum too if all my friends were eating extra treats and I was only allowed bread or fruit!

I think it’s great that you don’t want her constantly eating junk and having rules to follow.

But you are micromanaging her way to much.

What is the worst thing that’s going to happen if she eats a few more treats than normal one day?
She’s not going to get fat or diabetes from the odd day of eating junk.

Back off and let her breathe.
She had a tantrum because you’re on her too much and it gets overwhelming.

If you had let her have the extra treat, then nothing bad would have happened and she wouldn’t feel left out in front of all of her friends and won’t feel anger towards you for embarrassing her in front of her friends and their parents.

Then when you remind her about things like being patient in shops, she is going to take it in and actually listen to you because you’re not just constantly telling her what she can’t do.

She is at the age where she needs a bit more independence.
If you control her too much, then she is going to be a heller in her teenage years.

Agree re the shop. However she'd just been allowed a donut from the bag with her friends ten minutes previous before shop visit. And yes it would have sucked for her watching them eat one bag of crisps after another then more donuts.

Advice on this thread on how to do it without making her so upset.

I really wouldn't bother arguing on here.

So many people think that treat after treat is acceptable, when it should be once a week, not once an hour.

You are doing the right thing, unfortunately most parents don't realise what a killer sugar is and act accordingly.

I think you just have to explain to her that sugar is a killer but most parents don't realise that.

There is nothing else you can do except ensure that you have healthy snacks for her.

Agree, people saying the daughter didn’t shout, they weren’t there.Good manners are doable, to set boundaries, agree parents do need to start at an early age though. It’s just easier not to.

YANBU to feel irritated, but YABU to expect them to reinforce your parenting by doing the same things.

TBH I wouldn't go out with those parents any more as your values don't align.

Re the parent who intervened re the excuse me comment, I would have been annoyed, and possibly clapped back with something about excuse me being a bare minimum.

The thing with backing off and letting her have what she wants is that it would give her message that if she whinges and has a tantrum she will get her way.
It's much better to be consistsnt with kids. That doesn't mean you have to be super rigid but having clear consistent rules and expectations makes everything so much easier.

My kids had a one hour computer games slot every day and I was strict about it. We didn't have any drama over it as they knew if they whinged then they wouldn't be allowed to play the following day. It meant they could enjoy what they were doing without getting into fights.

Giving in to kids because they whinge and it's easier for the parent is lazy and bad parenting. You can legitimately change your mind but that's different.

You do seem quite strict, an authoritarian type of parenting style which long term isn't great but it seems to be coming from a good place.

I'd look at parenting styles. And try to look at where issues happen within your parenting style. There is a course called Solihull Approach and I found it really helpful to learn about my parenting style.

For example with the treat thing. I completely see your point of view, and also your child's. But can you find a way that you are both happy with it to stop any hard feelings? For example, can you bring a snack or treat that she really enjoys that isn't so unhealthy. My son loves watermelon, cheese. Or, could you have a treat box at home so that in that situation she can still join in with the other kids by choosing her crisps/chocolate but take it home and put it in her treat box for a different day?

I'd also have a think about where your parenting style comes from, are you over parenting because of how you feel or that you feel the need to be "perfect" or because how you were parented?

And what do you know about it!? You weren't there!!

I'm so sick of people telling the OP they don't know what happened as if they had some sort of birds eye view of a situation they never bloody witnessed!!!

@Sayithowiseeit
You do seem quite strict, an authoritarian type of parenting style which long term isn't great but it seems to be coming from a good place

Why do you think that? Her daughter had two treats already so it's hardly authoritarian to not let her have more. Likewise pointing out that the daughter was a bit bossy sounding to the guy shopping is perfectly reasonable. Would you have just given in and let your child have what they wanted. I don't think the OP is strict.

Yes we are, and that's why obesity is through the roof and children are anxious and unhappy and schools are intolerable places to work or learn in.

B

I'm asking you to consider how this food is a snapshot of part of one day, and not a reflection of a person's overall diet.
You still sound judgemental.

Interesting to skim through this thread OP and that you see you were being pretty judgy at the start. I’ve got three kids, two at college, one recently graduated. I wasn’t so strict about food / treats and tried not to be hung up about food and diet generally. My own parents allowed unlimited sweets, cakes etc and I didn’t eat them so much, I have no sweet tooth at all now. Neither do my kids much, even tho I was probably more like your friends on days out. However I’m also really into good food and cooking, as was my mother, and we ate together as a family a lot. All my kids are great cooks now. None of us have health issues, we’re all a healthy weight. Why are you sure that you parenting approach = a healthy child/adult, and your friends approach = an unheathly fat adult. Parenting doesn’t work like that, you can’t guarantee a certain result. Tbh you sound pretty hung up about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food and that could cause a problem in itself, maybe.

She's assuming she makes better food choices, based on a snapshot of a day out and misinformation on how healthy her child's lunch was.

Being as I made several of them.....OP still insists she's making better food choices based on a snapshot of a day out. 🫣

Nobody is saying treat after treat is acceptable but everyone has the odd day where they eat less healthily, it's fine every now and then.

The starting point is going out to meet friends, but then I don't see any indication of actual friendship in the scenarios described..They are not people you can relax with or enjoy.
No one really needs to change anything. No one died.
Perhaps you should just get new friends?

Or perhaps you could adjust your thinking.
My parenting of that age is a distant memory, but I remember all our best times out and about, it all came with shit food, tons of it, and that joy that kids get when they are "treated" to ice cream vans and take out food and cinema snacks and cafe cake and gift shop sweets. It's a joy that you don't really need to moderate (if youve got money for it). Kids know the difference between treats for special occasions and food they regularly eat, then one day they stop being kids and they stop needing all the treats.
You seem to be feeding your kid in a health conscious way on a daily basis which is really great, so perhaps you should worry about spoiling their memories with disapproval they absolutely don't need at that moment.

It really isn't. And I am sure that the parents that the OP is describing do this day in day out.

Their kids sound rude and demanding and the parents want an easy life and so just give in to them all the time.

Parents just want to be friends with their kids and are storing up big problems for the future when the kids are teenagers.

Your parenting style is going to lead to all the diseases you don’t want your child to have

You instructing/teaching her what she can or can’t have is doing nothing. If it was you wouldn’t after 9 years still need to instruct.

Not letting her make her own mind up, not giving her free will to decide herself what she wants or doesn’t want and turning treats into something that she needs to grab because they aren’t freely given is what your parenting style is

Even when she does something without your instruction you can’t help yourself but to criticise.

As soon as they are out of the toddler stage children should be given some room to practice autonomy over things in their life even if it is just a choice of which t shirt they want to wear, The blue or the green

Turning something into a treat just makes it better than everyday food

Its a fine balancing act between making doughnuts/chocolate/crisps etc just everyday foods that are just there in the cupboard and served for puddings or a snack etc and making sure without dc realising that they don’t eat too much

Always offering things like a slice of melon or some fresh fruit salad etc that is more colourful as an alternative

Just saying No and being controlling over these things is just making these things a price to be sort after

It really is fine to eat less healthy every now and then, as part of a healthy balanced diet.
It doesn't have to be related to bad parenting or not saying no or wanting to be a friend instead of a parent or any other negative issue....
You also cannot 'be sure' of anything these parents are doing.