Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

[Boymumtobe09]

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

My husband was a shite father, {I posted above} but my neighbour is a BRILLIANT dad!
I hear through the wall {Victorian terrace}

He sings to his babies and does loads.

He really is superb.

My husband never changed a nappy.

{Maybe a wet one, once} Sadly there is no way of knowing how good or how shite a man will be when a baby arrives.

Son is grown now, but his 'Dad' still lets him down.

Wow what a loser.

I would tell the midwife what he's doing, and get them to read him the riot act on next visit.

It can come better from a third party.

I think I've got The Rage

WHY the fuck do you make stupid excuses for useless men? Are you one?

Can they hold down a job? Are they of average intelligence? Do they have eyes and ears? And a modicum of love for their life partner?

What 'subtle signs' are there with raising a family? They're hardly bloody subtle! They're right in your face.

WOMEN have to learn how to do it. It's not instinct and it's not innate. They look, they read, they talk to others, they listen, they LEARN. They do that to run homes and lives and bring up children.

Why do men think they don't have to do this?

I had EMCS under GA with ds. dh went back to work after 2 weeks of paternity which was ok. But during paternity he was basically hovering the whole time making sure I had everything I needed, going to shops, doing all household chores and tidying. tbh was partially glad to see the back of him to get some peace😂

Once back at work as soon as he was back in he was back to helping. He did all baths and nappies when he was in and the bulk of the cooking, while I did most of the comforting (advantage of having boobs!).

Have you had words with your dh about his lack of support / what being a good parent entails at this stage and how he needs to step up?

This is akin to benefit fraud. The employer pays the paternity leave and then reclaims most of it from the government , ie the taxpayer, ie you and me! We do not pay for paternity leave so that he can play golf.

All men are most certainly NOT like this.
My husband adored our babies and did everything he could.
Likewise my friends.
They really did their best and are doting fathers to this day.
Unfortunately losers like the OP's husband go for soft doormat types that they don't really love, but think they can dominate and bully into letting them do exactly as they please.

Not 'ex'?
And if he didn't do it for the first one, did you think he'd do it for the second?

In 100, 200 years time, women will still be complaining when men just escape the house when a baby is born.

{My husband did}

There used to be a website by men that seems too have disappeared, called ''I hate my baby'' or words to that effect.

Men who said their wives went from glamorous, fun beings to tearful drudges, and how the house was a mess and their babies' crying annoyed them.

They saw the baby as their WIFES {Or girlfriend's} decision, not theirs.

Pages and pages of moaning.

Two couples I knew who were desperate for a baby and spent years on fertility treatments split up once babies landed.

Some men are just hopeless around babies.

My partner was exactly the same after the birth of our first. It was heartbreaking and exhausting. He went away on golf weekends and weekends with friends and I was stuck at home with a baby who screamed for 10 hours a day for 7 months.

At 8 months pp one of his friends had a very stern conversation with him where they basically said 'what do you think you're playing at, you'll end up alone'. This conversation had nothing to do with me and was completely initiated by his friend.

Since then he's been a changed man and we now have 2 children and he's so hands on. It needed an outside perspective to shake some sense into him though and it very nearly broke us up.

Like others have said, I think some men think their life will just carry on as normal after a baby. You're on mat leave so you will look after the baby and they have no comprehension that you might need a break too.

'Birds of a feather flock together' is a phrase that rings true for parent friend groups.

We gravitate towards people who possibly had a similar upbringing and have the same approaches/beliefs etc as ourselves.

So you get the groups, like the op and a few others on this thread, whose husbands are all sexist, selfish losers but seemingly get away with it because it's the norm in their group and 'Dave's wife lets him go on holiday 2 minutes after babies born and if you don't you're a nag.'

And then luckily you also get the groups of families whose husbands were brought up to understand equality and wouldn't dream of playing golf both days of a weekend when they have a baby. Because that is absurd.

There absolutely is a way of "telling" how a man will be as a father. Is he patient and kind to people ? It shows in how he drives, treats hospitality staff, his mum, his nephews and nieces. Is he great on the day to day life stuff or just birthdays and date nights? Does he own his mistakes, and try to do better? Does he listen to you - and hear you? What values does he have? What does he say about women in general?
Was his place clean and tidy enough before you married? Does he cook and then clean up? Does he show kindness when you're ill?
I could go on. The "ooh wow who'd have guessed he'd be a tosser" line is utter shite in the vast majority of cases.
Make better choices ffs

How can one keep a man indoors?

I'm far from a doormat, and I doubt OP is , either.

One cannot lock the doors and insist the man stays indoors.

There is just no way of knowing how useless some men are around babies.

My husband was a hard worker, but a useless father.

I definitely didn't have another child like he wanted {!}

There is just no way of knowing how a man will react to a baby, unfortunately.

My husband was a hard worker, very clean and tidy, cooked- and was kind to animals and cared for them well. {and was nice to his mum and dad}

Just was a useless father.

This is a very good point and I agree. It is very clear on the gov website that the purpose of paternity leave is to look after the child; by treating it as an extended holiday the OP's DH (and other men like him) are effectively defrauding the taxpayer as well as their employers.

What upsets me most on your behalf is that your dh should WANT to be there with his new baby, he should enjoy his time with you both.

Definitely not okay. I had an emergency section and my partner’s paternity leave was spent getting me whatever I needed, snuggling as a family on the sofa, doing housework, cooking dinners, and taking us to appointments. Golf definitely needs to be at the back of his mind for a while, until you’re back to full health. And certainly not an all weekend consuming activity any longer, that’s no longer an option at least until children are all grown up!
And once baby is a bit bigger, make sure your time is balanced so he gets some golf too me, but you also get some solo time, and you all get family time.
He needs to grow up and start putting his family first.

What an arsehole.

He thought paternity leave was a holiday with a bit of playing with baby. And got cross when it wasn't.

He needs to put the weekend golf on hold for a while.

You are recovering from major surgery and have a new baby. It's his job to care for you and lighten your load.

Unfortunately he sounds like a selfish twat and this may be your life now.

I agree that plenty of other husbands manage to step up and meet their responsibilities as fathers. But I don't think it is fair to say of the useless ones' partners that they must be 'soft doormat types' - that veers towards victim blaming. The reality is that plenty of these men are very good at hiding their selfishness until the babies arrive, when the shit hits the fan. It sounds as though the OP had very little warning of this behaviour and attitude from her 'D'H.

And it is not easy to be assertive when you are recovering from major abdominal surgery straight after a 9 month pregnancy, on top of caring for a tiny baby.

One thing I learnt, too late in life, is that whilst no one is perfect, selfishness needs to be the characteristic trait you absolutely don't have a baby with. It just doesn't work.

For those saying you should know before baby is born, I do agree a bit, but for me I wasnt modelled a good relationship via my parents, and dismissed my now ex (it's inevitable with selfishness) husbands selfishness with 'No one's perfect and he has lots of good qualities'. Benefit of hindsight - not ones that were ever going to result in him being a good choice to ptocreate with.

This!
And tell him right now.
Also, tell him he has to do some night duties at the weekends so you can catch up with your sleep. Then you and he can take turns during the weekend day times so you both get some additional sleep.

I genuinely don't understand. He's just become a father, which is amazing.

Surely he wants to spend this tiny opportunity of two weeks with the baby?

Of course a question has to have relevance - that's how conversations work.

Your question would suggest the amount he played golf previous to having a baby bares relevance to expecrations of his behaviour after having the baby. It also shows in how OP answered the question - having to add that she didn't expect his high level of golfing to continue.

As PP have said, many men just seem to think they can continue as before. That's not the case. Things have changed. The amount of golf he played before having a baby is irrelevant.

I'm 6 weeks post my second c section (first was last year so I've had two close together) and I can still barely walk longer than twenty minutes at a time before I'm incredibly uncomfortable and in pain, my recovery has been a little complicated though.

At two weeks post section, I was sobbing every time I had to shuffle myself to the bathroom, so I couldn't imagine doing it alone at that stage!

He sounds pretty self centred and selfish, which doesn't bode well when this is the very beginning of parenting.

They don't. The majority of men do not want children.

WTAF? You're disappointed? I'd be a lot more than disappointed. He is a massive twat and I'd be absolutely bloody incandescent.

It's called Paternity Leave. Paternity means fatherhood so Paternity leave is for him to get used to being a dad and to spend time with his new child and support you, his partner. It's not for fucking playing golf! You need to spell this out to him.

I would go nuclear at him and make it quite clear he has to do his share of parenting and housework and that playing golf all weekend is unacceptable because he is needed to be at home. If you don't put your foot down now, this is how it will always be.

Hasn't your DM had something to say?