Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

[Boymumtobe09]

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

Having been on Mumsnet a while, I’d say this is spot on.

@Parky04 the OP had specifically said that he was keener than her to have children.

He is a crashing disappointment. My god. I’m sorry. Paternity leave is not for him to play golf and moan that HE is tired after he wife has endured a C-section and is postnatal. What a selfish cunt and a fail of a start to his fatherhood. 😞

I feel genuinely bad for people who have had this experience. In addition to my DH, I know lots of men - brothers, brothers-in-law, friends, co-workers and most of them consider having children an amazing thing

I wonder if men like the OP's 'D'H are even aware of how much damage they are doing by behaving like this. Being a new mother is the time of life when a woman is at her absolute most vulnerable, and she will always remember how she was treated by the father of her child. If he does not step up as he should, it will probably never be forgiven by her.

It is true that plenty of other men do step up.... enough to make it obvious that there really are no excuses for this selfish behaviour. Using what should be the precious 2 weeks of paternity leave to play golf is just inexcusable.

Fucking men. Honestly. Your husband is a selfish twat.

Decent husbands and new fathers are present and doing everything they can when on paternity. My husband had two months paternity. I had two fast births and was told I had to basically sit with my feet up for the first few weeks. DH brought my coffee, my meals, did 95% of the nappies, helped in the nights, did all the housework and with the second one, did everything for the toddler. I just sat, read books with the toddler, and breastfed the baby really.

Pull him up sharp.
You think you're tired? How about thinking about me.
Parenting is 50 50 and being on the golf course is not involved.
You have let us down during paternity leave.
How are you going to set this right?
I will not be telling you what to do, but I do expect you to be doing 50 per cent of the parenting and household jobs. Some of that parenting will be about meeting my needs while I nurse our infant, because of biology.

Having been a man for even longer I can completely agree. Except I'd also add football fanatics. Men who have well paid and long houred jobs are usually bad as well. Of course all humans need a bit of down time but it's all about sharing the good and the bad.

DH indeed didn't sit me down and explain gently that disappearing for hours every weekend might not be feasible with a baby. Somehow I realised it myself.

Don’t be obtuse. That’s not what I meant and you know that.

Bloody hell this is OTT! Get a grip! Of course she doesn't hate him she married him! Why do you hate him? You don't even know him!

No, you meant how silly and naive of you women to imagine the man who chose to share his life with you and have babies would actually care about you or expect to have a role in caring for his own baby. Silly and naive indeed. These men said the right things to make women think they’d be decent partners, it’s only when it’s too late that they demonstrate they are selfish assholes who don’t care about either their wife or newborn baby.

I hope this conversation went alright op and wasn’t just full of him saying you don’t understand how much golf means to me! (Subtext: more than you or baby), or that gem : it’s good for my career so I’m doing it for us! (Bullshit)

@Boymumtobe09 im so sorry you’ve experienced this. Having a baby is such an emotional rollercoaster and with fatigue it’s even more important that things are balanced between you.

i would suggest partner moves back to own bedroom, i really suggest this to break this narrative that solid uninterrupted sleep is just for working parents. Good quality sleep is for all living beings to function well. He just has to learn to tolerate this. It also helps because it helps him understand that you’re not on a break the next day either.

I would suggest your discuss your expectations to your partner and that whilst naturally baby is going to be more attached to you etc, his role is supporting you and your needs as well as developing a bond with baby. He has to work on that bond.
he should be able to use initiative to pick up tasks that need doing but if unable to do so then instruct. You can word it to say you’re concerned about his transition to a dad and the need to step up (rather than you’re being a crappy partner!)

I really hope things get better. I had a lot of challenges with my husband when our second was born and we had several fights, until I actually became concerned at his disengagement (as I saw it) and asked him to get some help as at that point I thought he may have postnatal depression (it’s often missed in men), we saw a huge improvement once things were addressed In that manner. Ie concern for his lack of motivation to do something supportive (eg stepping in at night when it was clearly unsustainable for me).

This. They get away with being a failed adult because blind eyes are being turned generation after generation.

They laugh about it down the pub or at the club house or whatever though.

My comment said that DH didn't explain to me that I cannot continue with all my time-consuming hobbies - to which you replied that oh, didn't you discuss that.
No, no we didn't.
Finances, childcare, that we both should be equal parents - sure. The fact that life will change and we can't continue like single people did not need to be specifically pointed out.

Subtle signs… like the new baby and his wife had surgery? So subtle, I hope the op has since let him know that he has a baby now and she had a c section.

"Subtle signs"

Its PATERNITY leave. its time away from his work that his office gave him (as they are legally required to) in order to support his wife and look after/bond with his baby in the first few weeks after birth. Why the hell did he think his work gave him this time if not to support his wife? Literally the government, and his HR department who have never met the OP are aware that she deserves assistance. If they wanted to give him a free holiday to celebrate the fact that he procreated - they would have called it "Golf leave".
If he took sick leave and then sent his boss a picture of himself Jet-skiing in Florida would you be defending him saying "men are bad at picking up on subtle signs from bosses that paid sick leave is for when you are sick. So unreasonable,"

I would tell him to come back to your bedroom so he can help. Start to give him a list of jobs that need doing if he’s incapable of taking him own initiative.

I think you’ll cope better with him out the way at work but his carefree attitude needs to be nipped in the bud early.

You seriously don’t need to double down on it. I never said anything of the kind about needing to be told “oh so gently” that you couldn’t continue with hobbies as can be seen by all but you seemingly. Read my post. It simply says that you should have the conversations about what life will look like after you have children BEFORE you actually have them. And that clearly means all of your lives together. I said nothing more and nothing less.

And clearly, from this and too many other posts to remember on MN, people don’t have these conversations pre baby and are then on here questioning whether they are unreasonable to expect the other parent to pull their weight. Obviously there are a swathe of people-often men who DO actually need it specifically pointing out that life changes and you can’t be off playing golf every weekend, or cycling all day or getting pissed and hungover all the time. That you didn’t need that pointing out is great. Neither did I, but many do.

I’m not sure why you keep picking at me, and deliberately misinterpreting my posts but hope that draws a line.

I’d be seething with rage honestly. This sounds awful. Is he actually worth being with?

He needs to get his ass kicked yes. Don't infantalize him by saying he needs direction. He knows what he's doing and he does what pleases him regardless of you and your baby.

It summed up perfectly what my reaction was too. I can’t imagine tolerating him sleep deprived whilst he went off to play golf having agad a rest.

Wow, booked golf for next weekend. Says exactly begat he thinks

I can't imagine tolerating him either. But this woman loved him enough to marry him and have a baby with him so she clearly doesn't hate him.

Having such a strong reaction of utter hatred to someone you have never even met, don't know and have only read a few sentences about is extreme behaviour. The whole port is very dramatic and immature.