Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

[Boymumtobe09]

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

So you didn’t have a discussion with your partner about what life might look like for you both when you had children? This IMO is why so many women come on here after having children with the kinds of posts that OP has.

Yet my DC are in their 40s, and my DH was an older dad.

I never had one issue like the OP. He helped at night. He was hands on during the day. He took over lots of household jobs. He was just there. And there was never one single conversation about it. He just did what needed doing, both for me and the kids

YANBU

I don’t think I could forgive this and you need to have it out with him, else you will hold on to this resentment forever.

You will probably never forget how he treated you after having your first baby.
It’s one of those things that women remember forever.

I think you should have had this conversation whilst he was on paternity leave, as now there’s nothing he can do to correct it.

Its fine for him to play golf but I would have expected a maximum of 1/2 hours once a week.
He should have been doing all of the cooking and cleaning and giving you breaks as often as you need them.

I can only imagine what your mum must think of him!
Shes coming over and cleaning for you, whilst he’s off work and not doing fuck all apart from playing golf.

I don’t understand why you’re being so passive.
Its not nagging to tell someone they need to step up.

If he was that bad when he wasn’t working, then he’s going to be even worse now he’s going back to work.

Isn’t it obvious that a baby requires work, and the poor mum needs a rest after such a big operation?! What idiot would think it acceptable to play golf BOTH days of the weekend when she clearly needs help?

It’s not about managing expectations, I bet he wouldn’t prioritise so badly at work…

Selfish men never change after a baby arrives. They get worse. They do anything and everything to be out of the house and they use anger to shut down any complaint.
It is abusive.

Unfortunately you have had a child with a selfish man child, a dud.
You and your child are not his priority and never will be. He will do exactly as he pleases.

Men like him don't really love anyone but themselves.
They make shit husbands and shit fathers.
I am so sorry but this is the reality, your reality.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
No cooking, no laundry, nothing.
Focus completely on you and the baby.
Get well, heal, let your mum help you.
If necessary go and stay with your mum for a bit.

You absolutely need good childcare and to return to work.
Its unlikely he will contribute to drops and pick ups, but make sure he pays his share of everything.

Make sure your contraception is bullet proof if you can bring yourself to have sex with this loser, because you really do not want a second child with him.
Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I am so sorry that the above is harsh and bleak, but so many women in your position waste years hoping they will give a shit and become decent partners and fathers. They don't.

He has shown you who he is and what he is.
A lazy selfish loser who couldn't step up for a few weeks after his wife had major abdominal surgery having his child.
Men like him are the lowest of the low.
Protect yourself.

Oh yes - of course I wasn't suggesting all Dads from the 80s were like this, but mine was SO plausible to talk to. When he didn't think I was in earshot he would imply that he did all sorts of things - nappies (I can count on the fingers of one hand how many nappies he changed) but you would think he was an expert. People thought he was so great - and he really thought he was too. He liked cooking and shopping, but not the messy nitty gritty part of caring for babies (or cleaning). He could walk into a room holding his baby and everyone would fawn over him. I did try and put them right a few times, but I'm afraid people just thought I was a sour-faced misery who didn't appreciate him. My friends' husbands did seem better, but I used to wonder in my darker moments if they weren't putting on a good front too. I think they would have told me if that was so though. My parents had his measure - but not his parents.

(He's an ex now - not particularly for that reason.)

This post is spot on. I have 2 colleagues in my immediate team who chose men like this. One of them has sensibly made the break, the other is a doormat. They do not change.

Time to get tough OP. Don’t worry about being a nag, your recovery and him taking his fair share is more important.
If he moans about being tired, say ‘I expect I am more tired than you and I’m not complaining’ or ‘I’m not the right audience for this’.
Tell him he needs to take Friday night (or whatever night) with the baby so you get a night off, if you breastfeed, he brings baby to you.
At the weekend, you say I am having a lie in Sunday morning so you will need to be up with baby.
Tell him he needs to sort a food shop/do laundry/clean or whatever. Don’t ask him to ‘help’. Just say x needs doing today.

And if he complains just ignore him or say this is his share of parenting. If he whinges about golf, shrug and say ‘I’m not getting time off to play golf so it’s tough’.

He sounds useless. Mine was an older first time dad, totally out of his depth and pretty terrified by the whole
thing, especially with a difficult birth and a lengthy hospital stay for me and baby. But he put in a lot of effort working out what he needed to do.

He did all of the cleaning, laundry and cooking on paternity leave and annual leave (four weeks in total). He carried on with the cleaning and most of the laundry when he went back to work.

He slept in the spare room so he could get some sleep whilst I did night feeds, BUT then took baby first thing in the morning so I got a block of sleep in then.

Once he was back at work, he took baby for three hours once he got home so I got a break every day.

Did yours have any idea what it would be like?! We had a conversation about free time and how we'd have less of it but we both wanted the other to still have some.

Subtle signs?! What’s subtle about a woman giving birth and a new baby being in the house? Or are you suggesting men are so incredibly thick that a woman needs to explain to them that as a parent, they need to look after their baby?
He’s not oblivious, he’s selfish.

What a total waste of space. Paternity leave is not a golfing holiday. That time off was granted to him to LOOK AFTER THE MOTHER AND BABY. We were about 2 years in when it became realistic for us to start to pick up our hobbies again. It sounds like he thought you would have a baby and he would go back to his normal life. Selfish, childish man. I'm so angry for you OP.

Like a PP, I also find him seemingly not wanting to be around you and his baby sad. The damage isn't only to your relationship with each other, but also to his relationship with them. I bf all mine, but dh would sit with them asleep on him for hours to give me a bit of uninterrupted sleep, and he loved those times. He'd take them anywhere he needed to go (barring work obv!), and as they grew into toddlerhood that developed into them having their dad-and-child things they'd go and do. I could go away overnight from when they weren't night feeding any more and know they'd be just fine. Now, if anything happened to me it would obviously be awful but I'd have no worries about them not having a strongly bonded parent figure in their lives to help them through and comfort them. In not getting stuck in in the early days, your dh is failing to lay foundations for that kind of vital bond.

Nip this in the bud now OP. He may have grown up in a household where this kind of behaviour from a male parental figure was acceptable but you must tell him in no uncertain terms this is not how you are going to be building your family unit. If he cannot step up (and that means dropping golf entirely for a few months in my opinion) I would consider moving back in with your parents for a bit so that you can have some much needed support.

This doesn’t really work with breastfeeding but also this early? No I didn’t expect equal downtime at this stage, I expected a lot more from him as I recovered from birth.

I can’t think of a single new mum I’ve ever met who spent hours a week on a hobby in the first few months.

Moral of the story: don't marry or have kids with golfers, gamers or potheads. Complete wasters.

Eww massive ick.

OP has said that her DH actually wanted children a few years ago, before she was ready.

Obviously it doesn't have to be in a row @MissTrip82 .

4 lots of one hour at a time - a bath, a walk, a coffee out, nails done - all should be happening.

I'm sorry for you and your friends if your relationships aren't equal.

You're completely right.

Raising children is an extremely expensive and time consuming hobby and if you choose it, you don't get downtime for the first few months. You can't be a parent to a newborn AND golf, there isn't the hours in the day.

When we think of a new mother getting "downtime" we think of her having a shower, taking a nap, maybe getting a haircut- basic self-care tasks. Not going off for several hours on 2 consecutive days to spend time with friends without the baby.

He's going to be like one of the blokes on a work call I was once in, who was congratulating himself on always booking work meetings late in the day so he missed getting home to do bedtime for his kids.

Fucker.

2 days of golf at the weekend when you have a newborn is an absolute piss take. As PPs have said, this needs a serious conversation asap.

Do NOT worry about coming across as nagging.

You are not nagging. You are telling him what a decent father and husband would do, because he doesn’t appear to be able to work it out for himself.

Don’t be afraid to get angry and give him a (verbal) kick up the backside. Otherwise this will just continue and you will get more and more resentful and exhausted.

You need to be very very clear that by default he is supposed to do 50% of the parenting because he is just as much a parent as you. If he wants to play golf that is by agreement with you and you need equal time off in return.

Strongly agree with pp who said it would be a very good idea for him to take some extended parental leave where he has sole care not alongside you. Not now but once baby is older towards the end of your mat leave. This is the only way there is a chance he will “get it”.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. I am incensed on your behalf about your dh ignoring your need for sleep following major surgery and being so ‘grumpy and impatient’ with you such a short time after you have given birth.

He sounds like a selfish, petulant child having a tantrum. He is thinking only of himself and refusing to consider your needs or those of your (shared) child.

I understand you probably feel extremely vulnerable atm and are finding it hard to stand up to his unacceptable behaviour. However, I am going to play Devil’s advocate here because it sounds as if he knows full well that you will give in to his tantrums. You have already enabled his selfishness by suggesting he sleeps in the spare room (which hasn’t even stopped the morning)! I imagine (please correct me if I’m wrong) that if you suggest he cancels his golf or that he looks after dc while you take an equal amount of time for yourself, then he will have further tantrums and make life so miserable for you that it feels easier for you to give in and just let him do what he wants. Unfortunately, the more you give into his selfish demands, the more he will continue to make them! He will never behave like an adult man and stop having toddler tantrums all the time they are an effective way of getting what he wants from you.

I also wonder how much your mum being there to do the things HE should be doing for his wife and child has impacted his behaviour and further enabled him to behave like a selfish child. I am certainly not trying to make excuses for him, but he may even feel inadequate compared to her. If so, this could be behind him running off to play golf. Perhaps he chooses to run off to somewhere he feels more in control rather than express his own vulnerability and fears about his ability to care for you and dc. If he’s not able to discuss his feelings with you then I’d definitely suggest some couple therapy to set the boundaries asap. Please don’t let this situation continue as the pattern will become increasingly entrenched and full of resentment.

I think, as others have said, you must be very clear with your dh that you need to renegotiate a new, adult dynamic to share the care of your dc more fairly, with equal time for hobbies/sleep and regular family time and (whenever possible) couple time too!

My lovely health visitor when I said my husband was just like @Boymumtobe09 said ''Men really don't like babies- ''

I was shocked, but seems she is right.

A vast amount of men just bugger off to get away from the noise and change of routine from the normal quiet.

My husband went on a band rehearsal the very afternoon I came out of hospital.

It was no surprise when he left when DS was 4.

I am really sorry, Boymum, that your husband is a hopeless father.

Also, presumably his work believed they were giving him "paternity leave" not "golf leave". If he wants golf leave, he should get a group of likeminded men together and they can collectively petition for the right for men to get paid time of to play golf and not look after their wife/baby. If enough people are persuaded its a worthwhile cause they might succeed. Till then, he's full of shit.