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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

308 replies

Boymumtobe09 · 13/10/2024 07:25

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

OP posts:
Moonshiners · 14/10/2024 09:43

Barleycat · 13/10/2024 08:09

This is why men should not be able to share maternity leave, inagine months of this Thankfully it wasn't a thing 18 years ago. Two weeks of ex husband lazing round was more than enough.

Edited

TBF on the 3 men I know who have taken paternity leave they have been brilliant.
One is one of my bfs. He did 6 months with ds1 and 8 months with ds2. His wife is a much higher earner than him.
He is a very hands on sad. 8 years o. Does all pick ups and drop offs works a 35 hour week but works around the kids ( as mainly women have to).
He does more than half of the cooking and cleaning because his wife works more than him.
The only people that seemed to struggle with this is his mother who acts as if it is somehow taking away his masculinity!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/10/2024 13:33

Codlingmoths · 14/10/2024 01:28

No, you meant how silly and naive of you women to imagine the man who chose to share his life with you and have babies would actually care about you or expect to have a role in caring for his own baby. Silly and naive indeed. These men said the right things to make women think they’d be decent partners, it’s only when it’s too late that they demonstrate they are selfish assholes who don’t care about either their wife or newborn baby.

Show quote history

Didn’t mean that either…you’re reading far too much into my comment that wasn’t stated and wasn’t meant. But I suspect you know that as well.

August1980 · 14/10/2024 17:52

Op, congrats firstly.

I hope you heal ok.. I know it’s hard. It’s been challenging for us too. Nothing really prepares you for your first. It’s going to be a big adjustment and it will take time - you are both going to get there. Best have a chat with him, when you are both calm. Your mindset should be we need a resolution not it’s going to turn into another row.

We fortunately had my mum come stay with this. This helped my confidence a bit with a newborn and still gave hubby time to do things he needed so sort of had to phase parenthood for him. His confidence grew too and he now offers to hold baby/feed/change rather than high tail out the room everytime she cries. Best of luck - you both will give it out. Fatigue makes everything seem worse

PeachyPeachTrees · 14/10/2024 18:04

I can already hear the next words coming out of his mouth. "I've been working all day and need a rest/uninterrupted sleep/golf".
Guess what! being at home all day with a newborn is harder. You need to be a team or you're not going to get through this.

hellhavenofury35 · 14/10/2024 18:17

Good luck, it's a lonely journey with a way next to you. Sadly it won't change or get any easier.

coxesorangepippin · 14/10/2024 18:21

Sounds like the usual tale

Feckless men not stepping up to responsibilities

biscuitandcake · 14/10/2024 18:23

PeachyPeachTrees · 14/10/2024 18:04

I can already hear the next words coming out of his mouth. "I've been working all day and need a rest/uninterrupted sleep/golf".
Guess what! being at home all day with a newborn is harder. You need to be a team or you're not going to get through this.

The problem is, a lot of men have the idea that maternity leave/paternity leave is a bit of a doss because you are just at home "what do you even do all day". Some women think that too but actually experiencing the reality cures them of that misapprehension - the same with men who actually do their fair share. But the OPs husband has had a lovely relaxing 2 weeks doing very little and I BET he goes back into the office with the idea that looking after a baby at home all day isn't so hard compared to his big job (and to be fair it isn't if someone else is doing everything).

SouthLondonMum22 · 14/10/2024 18:24

He needs to change or LTB. You need as much down time as him and he needs to be spending quality time with the baby too.

Don't make yourself any more vulnerable. Get back to work after maternity leave, go back full time and don't have another baby with him.

Wolframandhart · 14/10/2024 18:25

Moonshiners · 14/10/2024 09:43

TBF on the 3 men I know who have taken paternity leave they have been brilliant.
One is one of my bfs. He did 6 months with ds1 and 8 months with ds2. His wife is a much higher earner than him.
He is a very hands on sad. 8 years o. Does all pick ups and drop offs works a 35 hour week but works around the kids ( as mainly women have to).
He does more than half of the cooking and cleaning because his wife works more than him.
The only people that seemed to struggle with this is his mother who acts as if it is somehow taking away his masculinity!

Show quote history

My dh also shared mine 14 years ago. I did until she was 9 months old and he did a few months after that. I honestly believe that is what made all the difference. He was also a good parent but that made him also mental load (almost) equal. Keeping up with baby groups and classes etc. and managing the home as well.

Blahblahblah2 · 14/10/2024 18:37

This is nuts. This is not what paternity leave is for. I'm sorry he's such a twat.

biscuitandcake · 14/10/2024 18:40

Wolframandhart · 14/10/2024 18:25

My dh also shared mine 14 years ago. I did until she was 9 months old and he did a few months after that. I honestly believe that is what made all the difference. He was also a good parent but that made him also mental load (almost) equal. Keeping up with baby groups and classes etc. and managing the home as well.

Show quote history

I actually think there is a benefit to men taking it at a different time to the mother rather than immediately after the birth (I guess that could work since birth but most mothers wouldn't want to be away from their baby immediately after giving birth. Your body is literally going "where's the baby" Plus its healing. If they are looking after the baby themselves (while mum goes back to work or to do something else) in the day then they have to do everything themselves.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/10/2024 18:48

This is beyond disappointing, it is really upsetting and worrying for you that he's behaved like this. But if this is his first child there is a huge adjustment for him to make as well as for you, though in a very different way. Try to keep talking about how you are both feeling about being new parents, and hopefully you will reach a position of understanding and sympathy.

Wolframandhart · 14/10/2024 18:53

biscuitandcake · 14/10/2024 18:40

I actually think there is a benefit to men taking it at a different time to the mother rather than immediately after the birth (I guess that could work since birth but most mothers wouldn't want to be away from their baby immediately after giving birth. Your body is literally going "where's the baby" Plus its healing. If they are looking after the baby themselves (while mum goes back to work or to do something else) in the day then they have to do everything themselves.

Show quote history

Completely agree, which is what mine did. Two weeks after the birth then a few months when i went back to work.

CestLaVie123 · 14/10/2024 19:02

Another useless twat - there are so many of these fuckers

waterrat · 14/10/2024 19:03

Does he not understand that after a week of him being in work you will desperately need his support at home...he just can't spend all weekend golfing it will destroy your mental health

laraitopbanana · 14/10/2024 19:06

Hi op,

It is a big change for both of you and unfortunately loads of the family (baby, event, house…etc.) still fall on women if not pointed out/clearly agreed on by both parts.

The man taking himself out of the family home where all the work is needed is very much of a storyline of a lot of women so, take a board, write down allllll the tasks that need doing and share with your hubby. No. Do not point him in the direction…that is why women bear all the mental load. Give him the final result and off he goes.

About the golf…as long as all he needs doing and time/bonding with baby is done…I would let him off the hook. He might « exchange » his time with you with time with baby if he is introvert/like to be on his own or golfing. It is a season. It will change again when he is ready.

What is his relationship with your mom? If she spends loads if time at yours, you might want to consider asking him if that is ok…?

All in all, congrats on your babe! It is a big change, adjusting isn’t easy. Be gentle with yourself and daddy.

Good luck 🌺

Miisty · 14/10/2024 19:21

what a lazy man it’s his baby Tok tell Jim he needs to
do washing cooking cleaning shooing etc so you can rest Can’t you rope in his family to help or your mother I used to tell my patients partners their role(I was a midwife )No help from his family as all my mother in law in law wanted to do wanted to do was give a bottle No way z they just wanted to sit and be waited on useless husbands family Make your life as easy for yourself easy meals order shopping online Good luck

A

IggyAce · 14/10/2024 19:21

After countless threads about those that have cycling or golf as a hobby, I’ll be advising my DD to run for the hills. The men who do these hobbies seem to be selfish twats.

Heatherjayne1972 · 14/10/2024 19:25

He is telling you who he is
are you listening? This is it Do you want this life ?

I was you 20 years ago. Ex took no time off at all , was in the pub or working for the first three months of our daughters life
did nothing around the house. Changed 0 nappies moaned about how ‘tired he was’ and ‘he had work tomorrow’. As did I but ‘that didn’t count’. And every time I asked for help he said no because ‘you wanted the baby’

One of the many reasons he’s an ex

Havinganamechange · 14/10/2024 20:02

You have had a taste of things to come and it will continue if you don’t both discuss some ground rules. DH was a godsend in the first two weeks after my c-section but I have had to tell him more than once since to pull his socks up and it’s not gone down well, but it’s been necessary. Set the rules now or you will be continually pissed off and resentful. His behaviour is pretty disgusting to be honest.

Apolloneuro · 14/10/2024 20:11

Oh dear. So disappointing when new fathers turn out to be so weak.

Champers66 · 14/10/2024 20:12

Boymumtobe09 · 13/10/2024 07:25

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

He sounds like a selfish prick, like most men

LouiseTopaz · 14/10/2024 20:15

My husband also went into the spare room and decided to sleep in there for three months after I gave birth. My son's 7 months old now and I still think about my partner leaving me on my own during a really vulnerable time not sure if I can forgive him, don't make this same mistake, speak up now and demand more.

AnnaBegins · 14/10/2024 20:26

Paternity leave is paid (albeit badly) so he's really just cheated you, his employer and the government by using his time which is paid to look after you and baby, to instead play golf.

When I think of all the men campaigning for more Paternity leave, this is one of the most selfish actions.

BIossomtoes · 14/10/2024 20:26

LouiseTopaz · 14/10/2024 20:15

My husband also went into the spare room and decided to sleep in there for three months after I gave birth. My son's 7 months old now and I still think about my partner leaving me on my own during a really vulnerable time not sure if I can forgive him, don't make this same mistake, speak up now and demand more.

You weren’t on your own, he was in the same house in a different room.