Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

[ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat]

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

My parents still send me a cheque for Xmas with my ex husbands surname on it.
I've been divorced for 10 years and the 20 years I was married to him I never changed my surname. I kept my own surname.

One of my relatives does this. She sends us a Christmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs His-First-Name, His-Last-Name. Like I don't exist! Merely a possession of DH.

I was tempted to send their card addressed to Mr and Mrs Her-First-Name, His-Last-Name, but decided to rise above it. I let it slide, but know what you mean OP, it is old fashioned, but they are old fashioned people.

Probably to wish you a happy birthday and it’s a mistake as they don’t follow these details as closely as you do. Perhaps also from a generation who change their names more often with marriage. Either way ‘happy birthday!’

I get it.

A lot of it comes down to old traditions where women took the name of their husbands by default. Despite it not being at all necessary, some people who believe that's how it should still be, apply it to everyone because they are set in their ways. If they won't listen then keep telling them and make a point of explaining why it's not okay because that's not your name.

My grandmother did this to me after my divorce. I told her I wasn't using my ex husband's name, but she said I should be because I took it when I was married and therefore it should stay that way. Traditional nonsense basically.

Because they can't remember which family members changed their names and which didn't?

We get cards from DHs aunt addressed to Mr&Mrs his name we both double barrelled, we see her once or twice a year, and it's nice she remembers our birthdays and anniversary.

There's another family member who addresses them as Mr/Mrs hisname-myname when we're actually Mr/Mrs myname-hisname , I don't believe for a second it's done to offend and it's essentially a clerical error so I don't worry about it.

You're the one being rude! They are in their 50s, that is not "two old ladies." Plenty of us in our 50s didn't take our partner's names when we married.

OP, they are rude. It's not exactly challenging to know your own niece's name, especially when that name is the same as it's been for your entire life. They're either being pass-agg about your choice or make lazy assumptions despite being told otherwise.

I have a godmother and a great aunt who do this. My own brother double-barrells me, which is also not my name. It's annoying to the point I rather wish they wouldn't bother with sending a card if they aren't going to use my name. But I roll my eyes and move on because they refuse to change.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be annoyed. It drives me crazy, but I’m not even married!! I can cope with Mrs Hisname from random people who have no reason to know, but from friends and relatives I just correct them. Every time. If it’s the older generation then I’d be a bit more lenient and slightly less annoyed.

It bothers me too, OP.

My mum sends me parcels as Mrs Hisname and I cant retrieve them from the post office as I have no ID

Was it deliberate rudeness to remember the birthday and send a card too? Especially when nobody else bothered as the op only got two cards.

A gracious thank you is all that's required.

It isn’t her name. That’s the point.

Stupidity and / or laziness. It’s not your name

Fucking hell, the ageism on this thread. These aren’t doddery old lady stereotypes, incapable of changing their ways; they’re perfectly with-it women in their middle age who are being rude and a bit twattish.

I can see why you find this irritating. My in-laws have done the same for the past 30 years. It bothered me at first as it seemed they were making the point that I should have (in their view) changed my name. I mentioned it to them at first, but just ignore it nowadays.

I still wonder if Mrs Jane Smith is divorced when I see it.

DIL took DS's name but calls herself Mrs Susie surname. It seems odd to me but is today's way so I nod and smile and respect it.

I get this, despite having never been married to my partner (or anyone else). From his relatives, who are in their 30s. I always assumed it's because they can't remember my name. Fair play, I can't remember theirs either, and am terrible generally with names both first and last! There's no malice in it.

It's infuriating.

We are Mr DH and Dr P Chrayn.

I didn't slog away for a decade in academia to have my identity swallowed up in DH's.

That etiquette existed until quite recently. Definitely in the ‘50s 60s 70s and actually even up to this century if not beyond.

It is probably still the correct form
in the U.K. even if someone’s maiden/own name is also now equally correct, according to choice.

I agree though that ideally OP’s aunts should remember her preference.

I can’t find an U.K. etiquette guide on line, but here is the well-known US one still including Mrs Hisname Hissurname as well as the choice for the woman using her own name.

(From Emily Post)

Addressing a Woman

Maiden name
Ms. Jane Johnson
Miss Jane Johnson*
*Usually ‘Miss’ is for girls under 18

Married, keeping maiden name
Ms. Jane Johnson

Married, uses husband’s name socially
Mrs. John Kelly
Mrs. Jane Kelly*
*Nowadays this is acceptable
Ms. Jane Kelly

Separated, not divorced
Mrs. John Kelly
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly

Divorced
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Johnson (maiden name)

Widowed
Mrs. John Kelly*
*If you don’t know the widow’s preference, this is the traditional and preferred form
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly

I shouldn’t think the Palace would address Victoria Starmer as Ms Victoria X. if they were to send her an invitation as an individual.

Just because something is old fashioned doesn’t mean it can’t be challenged or criticised, especially as this clearly upsets the OP?

This happens to me too. I don't really care. Why would I?

I've even had relatives refer to me by my (imaginary) married name in official documents. It's fine, I just flash my marriage certificate, if needed. Job done.

I'm always impressed at the lack of self awareness whenever you, of all people, downplay anyone being unhappy about how they're addressed.

Agreed. I've been married for over 20 years too and Mrs His Name has never existed. I've also had to send cheques back because I can't deposit them. It's just rude to call someone by a name they have never been.

I'm not sure that etiquette from a time when women always changed their names on marriage and had no real choice in the matter is all that relevant.

We live in an era where if someone asks you to use opposite sex pronouns for them and you continue to use the pronouns associated with their biological sex that can be considered harassment. So how can it be proper etiquette to address someone by a name you know isn't their name, because you feel they should have changed it?

We're not even married and I get Mrs Hisname off my partner's sister. Utterly bizarre.

And yes, I am an 'ultra mad feminist' 😂 Any woman who isn't is an idiot.

Preach!

Yes but why are they being so arrogant about it (was my question).