Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

[ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat]

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

Wait, why are you binning cheques?

Honestly I think I would address it head on.

"Dear Auntie, thank you for the cheque. Unfortunately I can't cash it because, as you know, Mrs Smith isn't my name and the bank will not accept it. We've had this conversation multiple times over the years now and I'm kind of at a loss to know what to say. After 20 years of reminding you that I haven't changed my name it's starting to feel like you're making a deliberate point of addressing me as Mrs Smith because you disapprove of my choice not to change my name on marriage. Frankly, it hurts my feelings. If you can't respect my choice I would really rather you didn't waste time, money and paper sending me post."

I'm actually more amazed that two ladies that are apparently only in their 50s are still using cheques.
I don't know anyone who has used cheques in years. Banks don't even send out chequebooks unless you specifically request one.

That’s so rude.

Apologies - the first 2 lines should read as: “She is not coming across as aggressive - the name they use to address her by….”

Mobile texting, having lost my glasses, doh!

What? No. Read my posts again.

Xmas cards go in the bin. Opened but binned. People know we don’t celebrate.

The cheques were wedding gifts made out to both of us. We don’t have a joint account and if we did my name wouldn’t be the same as DH’s so we couldn’t cash them. They noticed we hadn’t cashed them, and asked why so we explained and they gave us cheques in the right name/to one of us so that we could cash them.

Nobody is sending money/cheques in cards now.

They send DD’s birthday cards to her in the right name (mine). Somehow it makes sense to them, despite all of the above, that DD is the only one in the family using my name and have been sending my cards addressed to Mrs Hisname or Mrs Myname-Hisname. Names and titles I have not used ever. It’s been 20 years of them doing this. I binned the cards without opening them this year because the rudeness completely obliterates any kind intent in sending cards in the first place.

The cheques were 20 years ago. And then 14 years ago when DD was born. Not since.

Why don't you tell them that though?

"I don't open these cards anymore because for me, the rudeness of deliberately getting my name wrong wipes out any kind intent in sending them. I have to assume it is deliberate, after 20 years of asking you nicely to get my name right."

They’ve had 19 years of gentle reminders. “Thanks for the card Aunty Jane. Just FYI, I don’t use Mrs Hisname - I’m still Ms Myname, just like always, and Facebook and LinkedIn.”

“thank you for the card and cheque for DD. It’s really kind of you. Unfortunately we can’t cash it because I don’t use Mrs Hisname and we don’t have a joint account. Yes, DD is Myname, what with me being the one to do all the hard work and everything.”

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat apologies I did miss-read.
(I still think you're being a bit petty though 😬)

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t taken their husbands name, I know two people who have double barrelled their surnames….
my SIL has a difficult name to spell and I don have it written anywhere, I also can’t tell you whether hee name is first of his… so when I sent I sent my nephew a card rather than spell it wrong or put it in the wrong order I just put my brothers surname, I got some daft comment and honestly as it’s only on the envelope I don’t see the issue.. after that I just put the first name on the envelope and the address… then stopped completely when they never bothered sending to my DD.

Years ago though when I first married to my husband my cousin sent a card for (I assume Christmas) and wrote my name and my ex’s name in it.. I wouldn’t have minded but her husband and my husband have the same name so shouldn’t have been too hard to remember ! 😂😂
I was cross at that … but I messaged her thanking her for the card and pointing out the mistake.
I was best friends with 2 sisters for about 15 years… every year in my Christmas and birthday cards they spelt my name wrong, despite getting one from me with it spelt correctly ! I never said anything, what’s the point?!

To me as long as people get you name right in the card the surname isn’t that important.. But if you’re not taking on your husbands surname I think you need to point this out in the invites

They each pick a name. Lucy might pick Smythe and David might pick Pendlebury and baby becomes Ava Pendlebury-Smythe.

Easy.

@T1Dmama - why did you decide to take your DH’s surname rather than keep your own or he take your surname?

For DH and I double barrelled was important so that DT’s surname represented both our family names. Their surname is long (made up of our Flemish and French Canadian names).

Totally up to them what they want to do in the future.

Well clearly gentle reminders are too gentle and you need to tell them you find it rude and hurtful that they can't get your name right despite you asking them nicely for 20 years.

Why is your husbands fathers name more important than your fathers name?

honestly as it’s only on the envelope I don’t see the issue

Really? This thread hasn’t taught you what the issue is?

If someone addressed you on an envelope as Jeff Smith, I think you’d have an issue with it.

I’ll wait for them to ask me why their birthday flowers were addressed to their husbands. I feel an “in your face” learning opportunity is needed now.

and the WORST one was the cheque from my Grandad on our engagement. where the named recipient was my more conventionally attractive cousin.
because I was quite gothy at the time, and dyed my blonde hair black (I still henna it to this day. not had my natural hair colour since I was 13) and he often said I'd never get a boyfriend with the way I dressed and looked.
so that was nice.
oh, this invite to an engagement party with my "ugly" granddaughters name on it MUST be a mistake, because she's not pretty enough for a boyfriend. nobody would want to marry her, looking like that.

I legally changed my surname to my mums surname in my early teens. which is all the more reason why I double barelled rather than changed it. that and, as I mentioned, my surname is very rare, and his is a very common, single syllable surname. nothing WRONG with it, it's just not very me, so I just tacked it on the end.

when we got engaged, I told him my surname was going nowhere. if he wanted us to have the same surname, he could double barrel it WITH me, or take mine. if he's not fussed, he can keep his own, and I'll double barrel.
seeing as he's a reasonable person, he was fine with that. he kept his, I double barrelled mine. I like it double barrelled. it suits me, and goes better with my full name than if I'd changed it.

send it back unopened with "nobody of that name at this address. this address is home to ....."

and, I remember reading that until recently, the Wimbledon womens trophy didn't even have married ladies name engraved on them. it would be Mrs John Smith, for example. not EVEN HER FIRST NAME. Mrs Her husbands first name, her husbands surname.

and it wasn't THAT long ago they changed to actually putting the winners name on it instead of the winners husbands name.

Wimbledon isn't really held up as the model of progressiveness, is it!

Shame he didn’t want to show the same respect to your name as his. Your title (?) and name now relate to him whilst his makes no reference to you.

My in laws do this too... but not only do they address me by his surname, they will address the card to "Mrs HisFirstName HisSurname 😡 I DO know they do it for badness though as they made a big song and dance about me not changing my name when we were first married (10 years ago) and do this to try and wind me up. I'm not overreacting if you knew them you'd know they commit to this type of pettiness on the regular.

Reminds me of this from 2016z

women- remember your worth is measured by the value of your husband. You have no inherent worth.

posters are saying names don’t matter. To me, taking a man’s name and using Mrs, you are defining yourself by who you married/your marital status. Not by your own achievement.

there’s been a few threads here about women using “dr”. A surprising amount of mumsnetters think women with a PhD shouldn’t use their title outside working in a directly related field. Again, the only publicly acceptable title to use is the one that defines you value by marriage, not by your academic achievement.