Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

[ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat]

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

Oh please, I was born in the 50s and understand about not changing names <whispers> I even know how to use the interweb!

I notice the ultra mad feminist contingent of Mumsnet are out in force on this one.
It’s not rude and arrogant, it is in fact 2 old ladies trying to be polite.

They do know. It’s not about medals. It’s not my name. It’s never been my name. They’ve sent cards to someone that doesn’t exist.

It's old fashioned and obviously not accurate but many people do make assumptions that you go by 'Mrs hisname' when you marry.
Just tell them I don't use that name, my name is...
With a cheque I just added my own name after the wrong one and it still worked!
I get cards with Mrs his name, miss long version of my name I never use, my name hyphenated with his etc. they're just trying to be kind and are probably forgetful in their old age.

If is irritating but I would cut them a bit of slack due to their age.

My dear departed dad used to do this as well even after my divorce and after having been told dozens of times that cashing a check was a huge pain in the arse even if addressed correctly.

I think you smile sweetly, thank them for their generosity and suck it up. A gift, however poorly thought through, should be received with grace.

I’m not engaging this time. Not going to open them, won’t be thanking them. Will call them Jack and Bob in future. If it’s good for them…….

I haven’t changed my name and people always get it wrong, but I can’t bring myself to care really.

I’d just be pleased I got a card to be honest!

They’re in their 50s. The youngest is 8 years older than me.

You're right to be annoyed, it's rude, lazy, making a deliberate point... something bad, either way.

Disappointed but not surprised by most of the other replies blaming OP for being oversensitive or excusing the relatives who full well know what her name is. This forum is fucking nuts recently. The other day I was reading a thread full of people desperately trying to come up with reasons to paint the OP as the bad guy for getting yelled and sworn at by a tradesmen in her own house, and her DH as some violent thug for standing up for her...and now this.

They’re in their 50s!

They have been told very clearly. Our DD has my name, bit DH’s and they make no such point about that.

i'm replying just to balance out the people saying 'get over yourself'. I'm with you. It is 2024. also recognise that an older generation sometimes are stuck in the 1920s and think we are all failures if we don't get married, meet a man, have children stay at home, call ourselves mrs husband. I despair. I woud'nt have waited for them to notice i'd not cashed it though and hope you have managed to call them and thank them, chat and laugh and connect. it's hard for you, but they just no doubt think they have wonderful niece who was successful becuase she married (a man). Enjoy your birthday gifts.

Pathetic. Get some self respect.

Don't the envelopes just go in the bin? Did the card not just say to Sarah and John?
So what does it matter?
If the cheque was written to mr and Mrs hisname could he not just have paid it into his bank?

My ex in-laws did this. Pretty sure it was a power play as they knew I'd never changed my name. Always sent a cheque in the wrong name knowing I wouldn't be able to cash it, etc. etc. Just one in a long list of entitlement and micro aggressions. Just let them get on with it. They have to get their jollies somewhere, bless'em.

I don’t think they’re being lazy or rude. Maybe a bit old fashioned and set in their ways.

I couldn't care less about the surname it's the kind thought that they have acknowledged your birthday and wishes you well.

You sound very full of yourself.

Alot of posters will tell you you're being unreasonable etc etc. However I find it disrespectful, I have a different surname to my dh and I think it's rude to not use ky actual name. So much so I've started putting the incorrect name on their cards, shockingly they don't like it.

Err excuse me everyone, the younger of the two is 55.

That is a gazillion miles from the picture of sweet little old tabbies being portrayed on this thread.

As a fully functioning 58 year old I see them as rude but it could be just thoughtless. Either way I would share OP’s frustration.

Mark the envelope “no one of this name at this address” and return it, if you want to draw some battle lines. Could be fun.

My brother is in his 30s and is adamant a woman's name changes automatically upon marriage! When I told him that was nonsense he said "yes, well. You've never been married so you wouldn't realise"
Twat.

YANBU

DH and I both changed our names. Nearly 30 years later MIL still addresses cards to him with his old name! 😬😬

It's not kind to deliberately address someone in a name you know isn't theirs. HTH.

They don't care. That's all it is. Your birthday is probably on their calendars and they just pluck a card out of a box and stick it in the post out of habit.

This! (Although I do realise that while I think it’s important to get people’s names correct — title, actual name vs the name you think they have, spelling, pronunciation etc — there are some people who just don’t care…)

A few of people I know do this. Mostly I think they forget but I know at least one person who does it deliberately because they judge the choice not to change my name.

I find it absolutely infuriating that they're being so petty but I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing that.

”Ultra mad feminist contingent” - why be insulting? Regardless of what age these women are - in this case her aunts are in their 50s, if you know someone’s name, and have repeatedly been told to use that name, but you very clearly ignore that, and call someone by a name that does not belong to that person, then yes this quite rude and arrogant.