Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

[ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat]

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

Even if a woman has married and changed her name, if you can't remember what her husbands name is then you could address the card to her original name. I think that is less offensive than addressing someone by a name that they have never had, especially if they have had the same name since birth.

That makes it a lot more puzzling.

I'm in my 50s, and I'd say at least half the women I know kept their own family names when they married and the rest make sure not to get names wrong.

It's pretty 50/50 with my peers who have and haven't changed their names so it's hard to remember. I don't see the big deal as long as the post gets to you.

My FIL does this and I've always assumed he was trolling me

You can actually write just a first name on an envelope. Nobody will actually arrest you. In fact there's no requirement to write anything except the house number and postcode on an envelope. On the rare occasion I send something to a friend in the post I literally just put their first name, or Firstname surname (their own one!) Never Mrs/Ms/Miss. The whole concept of titles is archaic and should be done away with in a society when almost everyone uses first names in almost every situation.

Being someone this has happened to - from a parent and aunt no less - I’d suggest you ‘get over yourself’. What the bloody hell is the point of coming on here, reading the op and then bothering to type that?

OP - I hear you and I’ve had the conversation with my parents about how I’m still NotHisName. And yet they take no a blind bit of notice and still send birthday cards addressed to Mrs HisName. Gives me the rage! So I started sending birthday cards to my mum addressed Miss MaidenName. Petty but gives me a shred of joy 😂

That's with a to Mrs His first name his second name though

I did not charge my name upon marriage 28 years ago. It does not bother me one bit that a few people (mostly older than I but one contemporary) call me Mrs HisName. They are not making a point or being unkind. They just forget. I do not care at all. I think you are overly sensitive. Unless you think they are doing it deliberately to upset you.

Cannot believe some of the responses. It is a big deal. It's as bad as being called Sarah and having aunts continuously refer to you as George. It's rude and after all of these years clearly intentional.

I get annoyed when people do this too. And the posters telling you to get over yourself or using "ultra mad feminist" are silly 🤣

I'm half Spanish, half Scottish so have a double barrelled name (like everyone in Spain!) and haven't changed it on marriage. So I'm Jane Spanish name-Scottish name. Kids have my Spanish name and husband's Scottish name so DC Spanish name-DH name. And my in laws still can't grasp this, send me cards to Mrs DH name, leave the Spanish part of surname off the DC cards etc, claiming they can't pronounce it or spell it ,🙄. Honestly, I find it totally pathetic/borderline xenophobic when they do this, given that I grew up in Spain and everyone seemed to manage to spell and pronounce the Scottish part of my name just fine!!

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat its not that deep. I did take my husbands surname but I also get cards from my husband’s grandparents which have Mrs his initial as well as last name as is traditional etiquette. It doesn’t bother me.

Sometimes the bride hasn’t decided on her new name at the time of the wedding or changes it for personal use but keeps it the same for professional. It can be confusing - especially as it’s unusual to address someone conversationally using their full name. I have friends who I’ve got their preferred surname wrong as they’ve eventually decided to change some time after marriage. They’ve probably just forgotten, or written it their address book 20years ago and never corrected it, at least they remember your birthday.

Do you have children who have his or a double surname? Could that be adding to the confusion?

It would be different if this was your parent or best friend but this is an older relative.

No. There was no making things up to excuse a deliberate snub.

I thought we were talking about the OP being addressed as Mrs Hisfirstname HisSurnsme.

If I misread the opening post and it was Mrs Hermaidenname-HisSurname, then that’s all I did: misread.

Why would you think someone comes here to make something up deliberately to excuse a snub, and think it is all right to accuse them in that way?

As it happens I have been called the equivalent of Smith-Jones, which may not be “correct etiquette” but I took itto be a well-meant. Also American women often used this method to signal their maiden name alongside their married one, but without the hyphen.

Exactly this. Which is why I don't bother with cards and why I think they're a waste of time and money and lack meaning most of the time. But back to the main question, I couldn't get worked up over this.

Or alternatively the minutae of the OP's life is not at the forefront of the senders' lives?

I'm on your side OP, its offensive to keep calling someone the wrong name.

There is no justifying 20 years of ignoring someone telling you multiple times that you have their name wrong. It is just wilful sexism and passive aggressiveness.

It's especially weird if they are YOUR family and they managed to learn your DH name (completely unrelated to the family) but cannot remember your family name which you likely share with parents and/or siblings, maybe even grandparents or possibly even themselves (depending on relation and name passage). It means they put effort into being deliberately offensive.

Almost all woman I know (definitely the majority) of my generation or young either kept their name or double-barrelled. Its really not rare now.

I really thought this thread was going to be about over punctuation in thread titles 😳

It would annoy me too but I do have a bank account in my married name and the rest in my actual name.

Most Christmas cards are still addressed to mr and mrs hisname. I used to think someone had sent us a card for his mum and dad until I realised they were ours

I didn’t want to change my name. Wanted DCs to have my name as it’s rarer than DH’s. We had a massive barney over this and didn’t speak for a while. It was ridiculous. Then I thought to myself—why am I so attached to my father’s name? If I wanted to make a point I would have taken an old maternal surname, but no matter how far back I went, it would still be a man’s name imposed on a woman. So I gave up and accepted it for what it is. Just a name.
Those cards were sent with love. Try not to tie yourself in knots over a genuine mistake.

Someone’s name is hardly minutiae. If you can’t be fucked to use someone’s name, why the hell are you sending them a card? It has to be either laziness or rudeness. Better not to bother at all, or just send a nice text, which would be far more appropriate and polite.

I understand, but is it just Dr instead of Mrs? What about Chrayn? Do you share the same surname? Which of you didn’t have the surname originally.

Happens to me too and I give it not one thought. I just think how lovely they have gone to the effort to get me a card and buy a blimming expensive stamp.

Slightly different, but I've been divorced about 5 years and my mum STILL sends cards addressed to Mrs Fang Coward. it's more effort on her part to write Mrs on the envelope than Fang Coward or F Coward. I just don't get it....just why??

Just on the envelopes? Who cares?
You either like these aunts and are glad to hear from them, or you don't like them and think they're doing it deliberately to annoy you. If the latter, it's working obviously.

I get mail address to Ms myinitial mysurname, Mrs DHinitial DH surname and everything in between. Clearly it's for me so I open it.

I think you're being very egotistical about this. No one else is that invested in your name. You can't expect people to remember who exactly changed their names and who didn't. It's just a harmless mistake

I would just be glad they remembered your birthday. Maybe there's a reason only 2 people did if this is your response!

I'm not married to my children's dad. I am also a Dr. People send cards to Mr and Mrs his name, my children get either my name, his name or a double barrelled version, the children's names are often also spelled wrong even by grandparents. It really doesn't bother me at all.

I do send my brother and his wife Mr and Mrs hisname addressed Christmas cards although she doesn't use his name. If sending to her would use her name. Would seem weird to send to Mr hisname and Mrs hername.