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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

484 replies

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 12/10/2024 14:32

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

OP posts:
ahemfem · 15/10/2024 17:00

HelterSkelter224 · 15/10/2024 15:39

My in laws do this too... but not only do they address me by his surname, they will address the card to "Mrs HisFirstName HisSurname 😡 I DO know they do it for badness though as they made a big song and dance about me not changing my name when we were first married (10 years ago) and do this to try and wind me up. I'm not overreacting if you knew them you'd know they commit to this type of pettiness on the regular.

Yes I think its one of those things where you either know it's done maliciously or not

BogusHocusPocus · 15/10/2024 17:09

QuirkyUmberDog · 12/10/2024 15:42

I notice the ultra mad feminist contingent of Mumsnet are out in force on this one.
It’s not rude and arrogant, it is in fact 2 old ladies trying to be polite.

Yes, @QuirkyUmberDog , I think you are the voice of reason on this thread.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/10/2024 17:54

BogusHocusPocus · 15/10/2024 17:09

Yes, @QuirkyUmberDog , I think you are the voice of reason on this thread.

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Not really considering they are in their 50’s and not old ladies.

OneDandyPoet · 15/10/2024 18:07

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/10/2024 17:54

Not really considering they are in their 50’s and not old ladies.

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Exactly, and the fact every single woman here has benefited by the efforts of all those “ultra mad feminists”, every single one of us, even those women who don’t like feminists.

JHound · 15/10/2024 18:15

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/10/2024 08:55

Wait, why are you binning cheques?

Honestly I think I would address it head on.

"Dear Auntie, thank you for the cheque. Unfortunately I can't cash it because, as you know, Mrs Smith isn't my name and the bank will not accept it. We've had this conversation multiple times over the years now and I'm kind of at a loss to know what to say. After 20 years of reminding you that I haven't changed my name it's starting to feel like you're making a deliberate point of addressing me as Mrs Smith because you disapprove of my choice not to change my name on marriage. Frankly, it hurts my feelings. If you can't respect my choice I would really rather you didn't waste time, money and paper sending me post."

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LOVE. THIS!

I think really being specific like this is excellent.

JHound · 15/10/2024 18:26

HelterSkelter224 · 15/10/2024 15:39

My in laws do this too... but not only do they address me by his surname, they will address the card to "Mrs HisFirstName HisSurname 😡 I DO know they do it for badness though as they made a big song and dance about me not changing my name when we were first married (10 years ago) and do this to try and wind me up. I'm not overreacting if you knew them you'd know they commit to this type of pettiness on the regular.

I don’t understand in-laws getting all huffy that a woman chooses to mantain her name and not use their son’s.

It is so weird to me.

JHound · 15/10/2024 18:27

BogusHocusPocus · 15/10/2024 17:09

Yes, @QuirkyUmberDog , I think you are the voice of reason on this thread.

Show quote history

How is calling somebody the wrong name over 20 years “trying to be polite”?

JHound · 15/10/2024 18:29

QuirkyUmberDog · 12/10/2024 15:42

I notice the ultra mad feminist contingent of Mumsnet are out in force on this one.
It’s not rude and arrogant, it is in fact 2 old ladies trying to be polite.

I don’t know what crazed definition of politeness you are using that includes deliberately calling somebody the wrong name for 20 years.

If I decide to give somebody a nickname they correct me and I ignore them and just call them what I want would you really argue that is “polite”?

CrowleyKitten · 15/10/2024 19:43

widelegenes · 15/10/2024 14:51

Wimbledon isn't really held up as the model of progressiveness, is it!

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no, but I was shocked how recent it was. I can't remember the year, but it was far later than you'd think.

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