Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

[ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat]

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

Because they have known OP since the day she was born, and they have been told numerous times, by the OP that that is not her name. Just utterly arrogant. If your name was Amanda but I kept calling you Felicity, even after you’ve told me many times not to, because that’s not your name, would this not upset you?

I'm not remotely surprised. This always happens whenever the subject comes up on here. Mixture of posters who want to put women who don't change their names in their place and posters who aren't very good at recognising rudeness.

I couldn't get het up about it but recently when a young couple I knew finally got married I asked the groom mum, my bestie, what they now would be known as and when they had children before they got married, I checked on what the kids' surname would be. We married in the mid 70's when it was getting to be more of a thing to not take your partner's name or to hyphenate but at the time my husband's job involved some amazing free travel opportunites for me but only if I married my husband and used his name. The company had had far too many problems with their employees turning up with a different "wife" each time and then the previous "wife" also turning up!!

I'm really surprised to see some of the posts telling you it's not a big deal and to get over yourself. You are you. You have a name. You've not been acquired.

Get over yourself, honestly. They care enough about you to send you a card, they have old fashioned views but why choose to make it a big deal? Just say thank you and move on.

My grandma in her nineties could get her head around me not changing my name, anyone younger definitely can. It’s rude. The apologists will be the ones who probably think it’s fine to use Jane instead of Jayne or call someone Mick when they call themselves Michael. It’s got bugger all to do with feminism and everything to do with addressing people using their actual name. It’s just the very basic of respect.

They are in their 50s - this is the rave generation. They were probably raving back in the day, just even a few years ago, and not doing the Charleston during the roaring 1930s.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters.

Did you mean these two through the post, but the others by email?

If so, it’s all old-fashioned then, all anachronistic: the real cards you can hold, the old style form of address, the expensive stamps to post them. Why not thank them and let it go?

If you meant you only got these two cards, then maybe just be pleased you got them instead of none!

Because, although you are my niece, you are only one of 4 nieces and 35 cousins once-removed, cousins twice removed, second cousins, third co9usins, and I can't remember how you all style yourselves, especially as in every day life I know you only as "ThatIsNotMyName" and not by your surname, so when I have to address an envelope, well, I can't just put your first name one, and for my generation, calling someone wrongly by their own surname is more likely to upset someone than calling them (wrongly) by their husband's name

I get that a lot as I’m not married and my son has his dad’s surname so people just assume it’s the same. It’s not something I get bothered about tbh

Old ladies?

My DP's ex does this 😂

My FIL kept writing my DC name wrong on envelopes. The DC have my last name, not DH's. FIL invented a double barrelled version which we didn't really mind, just thought he was muddled up. After a while DH explained the correct names to FIL and FIL said "But I don't approve of that". 😂😂

I agree.

They’ve gone to the effort of going to the shop, buying a card and stamp, writing it out and posting it and you’re not even going to open it because they dared to put your DH’s last name on it.

I hope they don’t bother in the future or carry on doing it just to piss you off even further.

I was thinking they are in their 70s or 80s in which case I would tell you to let it go as you have not followed a societal norm which is sometimes harder for older folk to fathom sometimes.

As they are in their 50s and presumedly have other family members they can ask, they simply just don't care about you. Probably only think about you once a year when they send a card.

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat What you do, is up to you. You can either correct them or not.
A quick WhatsApp saying 'Thanks for the card. BTW My name is 'Jane Smith'. See you at the Christmas get together x'
And then send that every time they do it.
I assume they are being stupid rather than mean - but you know them, I don't.

Happy birthday 💐, @ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat

YANBU at all. It's a shame this still happens.

I was never married to my ex, but my daughter has his name. To this blessed day I'm called Mrs Ex. Sometimes I just don't bother acknowledging, as I don't answer to names that are not mine 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Be thankful - it could be worse. My aunt addresses my birthday cards to Mrs HisInitial HisSurname. I have my husband’s surname, so no issue there, but it is ridiculously old-fashioned to use my husband’s initial to address a card personally to me.

It sounds like passive aggressive disapproval. Very tiresome for you but in the grand scheme is it worth getting wound up about? I mean, are they like this about everything or just stubbornly ignorant over this one point? Also, its gone on for 20years, it's unlikely to change now. Just chalk it up to one of those idiotic things parents do that annoy the hell out of us. My dm mispronounces some words and I swear she used to pronounce them correctly but started doing it wrong for comic effect, now it has become her normal pronunciation and it drives me insane, she sounds ridiculous. I just take a deep breath and remember I cannot control other people, only my reaction to them...and if they want to look like an idiot its their choice!

Myself and DDs are double barrelled, in- laws have known this since before we married 26 years ago. Cards always Mrs DH Name. Then for DDs 21st birthday FIL sent cheques. Yep, just DH name. He was surprised that the bank didn’t accept them.

I have occasionally done this on Christmas cards, when I’ve forgotten. It’s not deliberate. In the same way my dbro sends me texts in the run up to Christmas every year without fail asking me if I can remember various cousins’ spouses and kids names, and married surnames. Because he forgets shit too. People do. I also get cards addressed to me from friends and family with my surname misspelled. It really doesn’t bother me, because it’s just not a big deal, and there are far bigger things to get upright about. I’m just touched they bother to send me cards - most people don’t bother these days.

If OP is called e.g. Sarah Smith and she's married a man called Jones, then one of the cards has been addressed to "Sarah Smith-Jones".

Could you please point out exactly when this was "correct etiquette" for letter writing? Because otherwise it kinda sounds like you're making stuff up to excuse an obviously deliberate snub.

One exclamation mark would suffice

Maybe they are old now and just cannot remember that you follow a different way. It's not so much forgetting. It's that the "manners" you are brought up with you internalise. So in theory you know to use "maiden" name, but it still seems rude (unless you are totally sure that is the person's wish), and "married" name seems the safer option if you have any doubt.

Imagine if you were told that nowadays it was impolite to thank someone who brought you a cup of tea, "because it was implying they did it as a grovelling favour to you rather than of their own free will". Can you imagine how difficult it would be not to say thank you? Your brain knows you shouldn't say thank-you, but your gut says it's rude not to.

I'd be interested to know how many people saying it's not a big deal changed their name on marriage.

YANBU OP. It's deliberate rudeness.

Wouldn't bother me. You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder about being someone's wife. Quite odd tbh. It's only your husbands surname, not some derogatory slur.