To expect men to bring condoms

[Dockofthebaobun]

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

They really should demonstrate respect & responsibility & bring their own . To not do so would be a complete turn off but being a total control freak I’d still insist on using my own
YANBU

I always exchange photos and then have a video call. The call is for safety reassurance purposes really but also doubles up as a way of working out if I find them attractive.

But what I don’t enjoy is overdoing that risk in terms of STIs and pregnancy, which is why condoms are essential

Condoms aren’t 100% foolproof though. What if they break? It does happen. Sex with a stranger and a broken condom really isn’t the greatest in regards to STI’s or unwanted pregnancy. Also condoms don’t really provide protection from herpes and a few other things yet that risk is okay?

But he was smart because he got a BJ and didn't make the effort to fuck my friend . She fell for the line he felt guilty about deceiving his wife and she believed him ! Like I told her if he felt that guilty he wouldn't have hooked up . She couldn't see my point .

OP is bringing her own!! The same rule applies to blokes.

Why should it bother her ? They are just hookups . They are not going to tell her they are married are they ? They are not going to spoil their chances of a shag .

I don’t want this thread to become about the risks of protected sex. Of course I know that condoms aren’t 100% effective. But they lower the risk enough for me. Like everything else in life, my sexual health decisions are about balancing risk and reward. I could die in a car crash whilst driving to the hotel, but I judge the risk and act accordingly.

This is about my partners whose approach to risk seems to either be that they don’t care at all expect me to care for them.

How did you know they were all single?

It isn’t OP’s responsibility to prevent others from cheating, especially if they are telling her they aren’t married. If it isn’t with her, it would be someone else.

How is that relevant?

What a bonkers post. Why on earth should it always be the man's responsibility to bring condoms?

And I also don't get why the sex would be better because the man brings condoms.

Weird.

I also agree with others that men won't be so likely to bring condoms as they're not going to be the one getting pregnant without one! AND sex is better for men with no condom on.

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It's not simply about the physical act of coming. If it was, people would just wank and never have sex with another person. It's not that hard to imagine wanting sex rather than a vibrator. You just don't seem that into it if you're framing it as 'have to have sex', but surely you're aware that many people do like having it.

Likewise, even though absolutely condoms are wise and important for ONS, it's also not hard to fathom that many men who are into hook-ups are keen to jizz freely. This isn't that far from the world of dogging, swinging, amateur porn etc and the idea that the men getting involved in it are single and come along ready for safe sex is not going to be standard. Course some are married and course some are hoping to not use a condom. It's all part of the fun/danger. OP has to manage that risk herself, and as she says, it's all part of the no-strings allure.

Out of interest, who is paying for the hotel?

Because if the man is paying for the hotel room, he might feel it would be reasonable for OP to provide the condoms. If OP is paying for the hotel room, then it’s a massive cheek that the men expect her to stump up the cash for the condoms too.
The whole set-up sounds rather transactional, a bit like paid sex work, and I believe it’s the women who provide the condoms in those situations. So maybe that’s how the men view the situation.

@Dockofthebaobun This is about my partners whose approach to risk seem to either be that they don't care at all ...

You're not in a relationship with them. Why should they care? A quick shag then onto the next one. Easy.

I think you should probably make it clear before meeting that you are only interested in sex with condoms, clear communication and then they can bring their preference 😁

It’s a hell of a risk for a possibly slightly better shag, which is far from a given anyway on a one night stand. Men’s minds are a mystery to me.

This. Its clearly sex with no feelings which is fine if thats what you want but then you cant really get upset that they dont care a lot about you surely?

I get that they might not care about my sexual health. That’s my responsibility. But their own?

Exactly. Some random man a woman meets off some 'meet-up-for-a-shag' website isn't going to give a flying fuck about the her welfare and health, or if he gives her any STIs - or leaves her pregnant. She will be the 50th woman they've shagged this year. They don't care about her.

As someone said earlier, many of them probably give fake names anyway. You would never be able to find them afterwards. And yeah, the vast majority will be married.

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Please point out where I say it was her responsibility? I asked if it bothered her having sex with men who are likely married because it would bother me and make me feel sordid(maybe that is part of the appeal?)

And yes I did know they were single because they were generally people in my wider circle, not that I needed to explain that to you,

😂😂😂😂
Do you really think that these men were not hoping to have sex with the OP? So much so they didn’t have condoms with them?
😂😂😂😂

Please be careful and I definitely agree it's sensible and safe to agree beforehand about protection. some men are very resistant to wearing condoms. You are alone with a strang man who is expecting sex and may be expecting that sex to be unprotected. That is a big risk to you (I unfortunately speak from personal experience). Its dangerous.

This is about my partners whose approach to risk seems to either be that they don’t care at all expect me to care for them.

I'd say it's largely the first one. They would really rather do it without

@Dockofthebaobun most likely they dont usually expect to be offered sex on the first night!!!

Just incase you don't know, I think there is STD you can contract even with them
(of course not advising not to use protection)