To expect men to bring condoms

[Dockofthebaobun]

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

Instant gratification. A lot of men don't think much further ahead than 'it feels better without' vs they 'might' get an STD (and they can just ignore it or worst case, get treatment) and she 'might' get pregnant (in which case he'll ghost/pressure an abortion/go self employed to avoid child maintenance/whatever).

I don't believe for one second that they just 'forgot'. They chance their arm and reluctantly wear one only if the woman insists. If she's not upfront enough to insist, win for them.

they probably don’t have condoms because they do want wife/girlfriend to find them.

80% will be attached

Backs my my theory below, that they are mostly all married and fear their wives will find them 😆

Most of these men will be married so won't have condoms or want to risk being found with them.

I really don't get peoples issues with condoms (more men than women)
When I came off the pill, me and DP used them to prevent pregnancy until I'd had my gyane surgery and could then get an IUD fitted. There was no question from either of us about it. If it's a stranger or not an established relationship, add in the STI risk, it's just irresponsible and dangerous. STIs are like any other infection, going through constant mutations, and there's a couple of strains now that have no effective antibiotics able to treat them. Infections mutate faster than we create new antibiotics.

Why not just buy a really good vibrator?

Because sex with a person and a wank are not comparable. Sex with a person has a lot of other aspects beyond my orgasm. It doesn't matter how often I get myself off, I still want the experience of having sex with another person.

I would always provide the condoms. But I do think it's a conversation you should be having prior to hooking up. The men you've met who haven't had a condom - presumably they assumed bareback was on offer? Nice for their regular partner/wife.

My health is my responsibility and I would never rely on nor trust anyone that was merely a 'hook-up', nor anyone who could not present me with a current clear STI certificate (even that is not a certainty because of incubation periods). I would want to know the condoms are not damaged, had a pin stuck in 'em, etc, and the only way to be certain is to use those provided by me. Plus, condoms will not stop the transmission of herpes, warts, monkey pox, impetigo, lice, ringworm, and more. If it's me who wants the casual shag and if it's my health at risk, why would I moan that the other party isn't providing the coverup?

Well I’ve always heard that smart girls carry them!

All they have to do is buy a pack on the way to the hook up them just throw the packet in the bin at the hotel . I think these men are just hoping for a BJ that's why they are showing up without condoms . If they get a BJ they don't run the risk of a STD or a pregnancy .

One man who used to hook up with a friend used the excuse that he couldn't fuck her because he felt guilty about his wife so he got a BJ . Yeah right . If he felt that guilty he wouldn't have gone for the hook up in the first place .

You're an adult too. Take responsibility for your own health, and carry them if you want casual sex. It's that simple.

Totally get you enjoy casual sex- nothing wrong with that at all, but this lack of talking to them about it first and "why would it need a conversation?" is so bloody weird to me.

You can be intimate enough to have sex with someone but not able to bring up a conversation about it or ask them why they haven't brought them? This just seems a little immature to me.

I think most men prefer the sensation of no condom so they're happy to take a chance until you say it's needed? Men should care more about their sexual health but I think many have a tendency to prioritise their own orgasm above all else

🤔She IS. And she's said repeatedly that she'd insist on using her own condom to ensure it's in date, not tampered with etc. OP is just musing on what it says about these men that they're prepared to turn up to a hookup without.

Men just don't care.i used to have a fwb who would never use them. Last time I said he would have to as I was no longer on the pill and he got a right mood on. I met a guy a few months ago who laughed at the suggestion. I said didn't u bring a condom? He said no did u yeah but he wasn't going to use it

I think if meeting for sex then of course, both parties should bring condoms, and not assume the other person has.
Ok, just a question because I'm curious, not judging. My own sex life has been tame and I've never had a ONS. If you're meeting purely for sex and haven't met before, what happens if you meet them and really don't fancy them? Has it ever happened? Do you just walk away? And how do you choose the men? Do you meeting online before in person?

I always tell my daughters to carry condoms and I did myself when I was younger.

These men sound awful though, I just don't know if I could get over the presumptuousness of turning up for sex at a hotel without a condom. Just awful, and I'm not averse to one-off hook-ups if that's your thing, but these men simply don't even care about their own, yours or their partners wellbeing.

@Autumnights you'd think but they aren't that smart judging by the number of posts where they are found. Even the BJ guy in your example was married! Highly likely many of these guys are as well

OP does it not bother you that these men are likely married?
I had plenty of casual sex when I was younger so no judgement on that but we are all single and had no responsibilities. I know you are single but the likelihood is that many of these men aren’t.

Oh ok .
I'm autistic and really don't enjoy the whole touching/talking part of sex .and the breathing...thats enough to push me right of if I hear any breathing...I've actually only slept with my husband...the thought of sex could ruin my weekend,so I'd always try to get it out of the way on a Friday night ,so I can enjoy my weekend..
It must be great to be so free and relaxed about sex , slightly envious

This

Women more likely to be infected by a man than the other way around.

Similar experiences here while dating. My conclusion is they would rather not wear them. So I like you would always bring my own. However the ones with the best impression are always the organised/prepared ones!

That was for the op
I've linked it to the wrong quote

Who pays for the hotel room OP?