To expect men to bring condoms

[Dockofthebaobun]

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

Maybe they don’t bring them incase it looks to you like that’s the only thing they are after

She knows that's the only thing they're after. Her too. What have you not grasped about this scenario?

But the bit that baffles me is how do you know you're going to fancy the man? A few texts and one video call- nope.

I know if they're what I think is good-looking. I will have chatted enough that I know they can talk well enough to suit what I like. But there have been one or two I've met and declined to take it further. It happens - it happens in dating where you're looking for a relationship too. There have been those I got on with well online, but in person, I just didn't feel the chemistry. And at least if you know you're just meeting for sex, you don't have to sit through a whole day where he tells you about all the terrible dates he's been on or something...

You can have hobbies and meet men for casual sex. They are not mutually exclusive.

Yes, finding someone’s picture attractive is not a guarantee there’ll be chemistry in person.

OP just to let you know I’m reporting all of the shaming comments on here. For everyone making victim blaming comments, you be ashamed of yourselves! It’s not 1950 anymore!

anyway, I think it’s d) because my husband and I had to use condoms again recently (in ivf and can’t risk pregnancy ironically). He was quite clear that it’s far less good with a condom on. So, I think they’re chancing it. Bet they have a condom in their bag just in case! If would disappoint me - you’re seeking an encounter with an adult man who is competent and prepared, not someone who needs to be carried. I think it’s disrespectful and I’m not surprised they’re worse at sex. You could always tell them afterwards if they ask for a second night ;)

A man who buys a prostituted woman's time is a man who pays to override a woman's "no". And we know what men who override women's "no" are called.

A ONS isn't paying to rape. Don't conflate the two.

Just as your sexual health is your responsibility, their own sexual health is theirs. Everyone evaluates their own risks for themselves. For you, the sexual health risk of unprotected sex is more important to you than sex without a condom. For them, it isn't. It really is that simple. They're prepared to take a risk that you are not - that's their choice. I would say it's a fairly unwise choice, personally. But I'm sure there are lots of choices you make (including meeting men you don't really know for sex in hotel rooms) that some people would also think unwise. For you, the pleasure of the encounter outweighs the risk to your safety - and that is your considered, valid choice, and personally I totally get it. For the men involved, the pleasure of sex without a condom outweighs the risk to their own sexual health - and that is their considered, valid choice. It's just a different attitude to risk, that's all.

Some women think I'm mad for going for a run alone at night in lonely parks and want to know why I do that when there are potential risks to my safety. My answer is that yes, I know there is a risk to my safety, but the enjoyment outweighs that - for me.

We all do things every day that might harm us in some way, and we all have our own boundaries. Some people's boundaries will be different from yours. It's that simple.

If you want to use condoms, you need to either bring your own or discuss it in advance. Their own sexual health is up to them to manage.

I hope op that these men with whom you are having hook ups with, are single. Otherwise, if you are knowingly having sex with men in relationships, then you arent a very nice person.

I don't understand this shame that single people claim to feel about carrying condoms. HIV isn't cureable, and HPV causes cancer in both sexes. Carrying a condom doesn't have to mean that you are actively planning to have sex, it can just mean that you are open to the possibility (say, if you really click with someone you've just met) and are taking steps to minimise risk if that happens.

OP, I think just ensure you have your own on these meet ups. Your safety is far more important. I think some people are just so irresponsible! It’s in your best interest to look after yourself. 😀

You are not being unreasonable, they should absolutely be thinking about safe sex too… but lots of guys don’t like them & would probably be willing to risk getting an STI. they’re also not the ones that end up pregnant. They should think about it, but I would never meet up with a guy without having my own.

Why? Because she’s a woman who enjoys sex? Not all women are the same.

Back in my ONS days, I wasn’t incredibly fussy. If I was attracted to them, had chemistry with them etc then that was good enough for me. We weren’t going to be doing much talking.

If she meets someone in the hotel lobby or wherever and changes her mind, she can leave. She doesn’t have to go ahead with sex no matter what.

How would OP know? They are strangers and they aren’t going to admit if they happen to be married.

That’s on them. Not OP.

Some of them are open about being married on the sites, so it's easy to say no beforeyou get started. Others - you can ask questions about past relationships, their living arrangements and so on, but ultimately, you have to take their word for it. I haven't knowingly been with anyone married, but some men are determined to lie. You can see that from going on the Relationships board any day, women discovering they're the OW.

Agree !

What a ridiculous assumption.

Interesting that the OP has never come back.

Maybe it's all the flaws in her 'logic' that's eventually hit home.

For example - 'Why assume they are reckless as to my health when they have all worn condoms?'

Honestly, give your head a wobble @Dockofthebaobun
You started your thread/rant about men who didn't bring condoms with them!
They only used one when you insisted and dangled it under their noses!
That's the whole point of your thread.

3 out of the 4 men.

What an odd take. OP came back plenty and was very reasonable. Probably felt she'd heard all the useful points and said everything she had to say after many pages of responses. To assume that her stopping replying now (as all OPs must eventually) is some kind of vindication for you and proves she was wrong is wild.

What? She's come back loads, and been very reasonable despite the absolute determination of some people to slutshame her and put her in the wrong.

This thread is a case study in misogyny.

This! The OP has come back to defend her corner 4 times. The hypocrisy, double standards and judgy comments have been overwhelming here.

People are commenting on areas of the OP’s lifestyle instead of responding to her question and all because she is sex positive.

This reminds me, l must find the keys for my chastity belt.

You're just frothing because you've posted more on OP's thread than she has, and she's not returning to give you anything else to froth over. If anyone's head needs a wobble on this thread it's yours.

At some point OP must have realised she was embarrassing herself with her twaddle.

What twaddle?

She failed to see her contradictions.