To expect men to bring condoms

[Dockofthebaobun]

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

There's clearly a difference between should and is, so for your own safety and peace of mind always bring condoms but never feel obliged to go through with anything you're uncomfortable with. You can say no at any time.

I'd expect a man to have condoms on him too, and him not would be a turn off. But I would always have mine too, just in case I still fancied him. I wouldn't, though.

Yep, you're naive as they can walk away from a pregnancy a lot easier, especially if not using real names, etc.

Both parties should bring them. People should take responsibility for their own sexual health. I wouldn’t be surprised if some are married men.

Everyone should be accountable for their own sexual health. So ideally you would both have a condom on you. If you haven't got one and are relying on a casual hook up to care to protect you from pregnancy and STIs then you can't care that much.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · Today 12:29

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 12:03
If you’re regularly meeting complete strangers for sex, you don't seriously think they’ll consider you or your feelings/safety?

Judgey, much

How? Just stating the bleeding obvious.

Gross. God only knows where they’ve been poking it, bareback.

Condoms don’t protect you from warts or herpes either. I wouldn’t be risking my health with these “shags”, but then I’ve never had a ONS anyway.

I would insist on using my ones, that way I know they haven't been tampered with, have been stored correctly, not past the expiry date and not knock off cheap ones from Bob down the market....

Sorry, men can't be totally trusted especially during one night stands.

A lot of men claim it lessens the sensations they have during sex, so their preference is not to wear one for that reason (also hence the invention of the really thin condoms on today’s market). I can understand that, if true (obviously I’m not a man and I’m mostly celibate, anyway), but still wouldn’t want to have sex without the man wearing one.

It has surprised me, too. I am early 50s and been dating men around the same age - which means they went through puberty at the height of the AIDS epidemic, where the message was definitely condoms every time.

I have had a fair few hookups in the last couple of years. I think just one of them has mentioned condoms before I did. Never assume they will bring them. Most men will use then if you insist (and if they won't, they're choosing not yo have sex.) They will complain it's not as good (I agree, but it's better than STIs.)

It's such weird logic, too. If I go to bed with you when I barely know you, there's a much stronger chance I'll do it with others, too, which increases the risk of STIs - and not everything is easily fixed by a dose of antibiotics. I do test regularly, but that's not the point (it's for my safety, mpre than theirs,) - and I won't volunteer this information, because then it's just, "well, if you're negative, we don't need to." A couple of guys have asked if I have tested recently, and thst opens the conversation, and we can share our negative results. But it's important to remember tests are usually just for syphilis, gonorrhea, HIV and chlamydia - not HPV or HSV or other things, plus you usually have to have gone through the incubation period before it will test positive, so if you picked it up in the last week, it won't show, but could still be transmitted.

Also, I'm not actually menopausal yet. Not one has asked if I'm on contraception. More than one has had proof I still have periods (thank you perimenopausal unpredictability.) They all want unprotected sex. I bet they don't want a baby, though.

Men are really shit at preventing babies and STIs.
Always carry your own condoms.

Which online sites are good for hook ups?

OP doesn't think it's only the job of the man, hence her having them herself. The point being made is that these men think its only the job of the woman. I agree with the OP, it is shocking that they're prepared to leave their sexual health and potential fatherhood in the hands of the woman. Especially given the number of men who bleat on about being trapped into fatherhood by women who decide not to terminate unplanned pregnancy. Its about time men realised they have one chance to avoid fathering a baby, and that chance occurs at the time they have sex.

I was brought up in the AIDS era and men always carried condoms as it was drilled into us.

I've heard that STIs are on the rise and it's very stupid to have sex without a condom. Some STIs can make you infertile, HPV can give you cervical cancer and some are lifelong.

Be careful about stealthing, it's not uncommon and keep on insisting they wear one. It doesn't surprise me that some men will risk their health for a shag, no.

Yes absolutely!

If they were coming to yours, then I would expect you to provide them or vice versa.

I do think the majority of people who are looking for hook ups/just sex, aren’t health conscious and don’t really care about STI’s.

I bet these men are riddled with them.

Most men don’t like wearing condoms and will come up with all sorts of excuses not to. Doesn’t mean you have to accept those excuses. Id be wary of having sex with man who protested strongly against using confirms beforehand in case he “forgot” to use one in the heat of the moment or it just happened to “fall off”. You have to look after yourself which includes weeding out sex partners who are not responsible or respectful of your wishes

True though.

Are you at least going on some dates first with these men? Or straight to a hotel room?

What does that matter?

Interesting responses, thanks.

I’d never have sex without a condom in a hookup situation. None of the men have refused to wear one, they’ve just not brought their own. I guess I wouldn’t even know whether they’d brought their own if I didn’t ask them to go and get one when we were ready.

Last night for example, when the time came I asked him and he said something like ‘Ah sorry I thought you’d have them’, and I did so he wore one of mine. But it just strikes me as odd because I’d never go unprepared. And as someone else said, there are different types so people have their preferences (mine being the cheapest supermarket own brand ones available because they all feel the same to me!).

Condoms don't even protect against all stis, or any sti 100% (or pregnancy - i say this as someone foe whom it split and I got preg).

I would get the ick OP.
I certainly wouldn't be trusting them.
Were they hoping not to use one?
So basic, it would turn me off.

the assertion is these men should bring condoms along to a hook up with a random stranger. If they haven’t even met this stranger before, they are not going to care about passing on any STDs. They could be married for all the OP knows!

When I was in my early 20s, men I hooked up always had a condom in their wallet. When I was dating in my 30s, they were less likely to have one. I think that men in their 30s plus have probably had long term relationships and just got used to condomless sex, so yes they’re chancing it.

Another reason could be the death of the wallet - they often don’t actually have wallets anymore - just use their phones. I often go out without my purse nowadays and am then buggered when I get ID’d in the supermarket!

I don’t want to sound judgmental but I hope you’re at least telling a friend where you are when you’re meeting these hook ups.

It seems un fathomable to me to meet in hotels purely for sex and to have to provide condoms as well.

The likelihood is that some of these men are married- so really ought to be using condoms.