To expect men to bring condoms

[Dockofthebaobun]

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

Well the mature thing to be would be to have a conversation about it beforehand. I’m not sure why you’ve made a thread about this tbh. You can’t be that bothered seeing as you still go on to sleep with them. Here you are taking the moral high ground and yet you don’t reinforce those morals as if you did you wouldn’t have the sex.

I've voted You Are Not BU, but I'd always bring my own anyway (I have a collection in different sizes ready for guys to say "I'm too big for them" - "OH NO YOU'RE NOT!").

I think it's mostly laziness and thinking it's not their responsibility to take care of your health. And because it's the woman who has to bear the burden of pregnancy they assume you'll want to take action to prevent it.

Tbh I wouldn't trust any stranger with my health or fertility so I would always want to be the one to provide condoms anyway.

I think the mature thing to do is to use condoms. A conversation isn’t required. Whose condoms they are is secondary, it just intrigued me that three out of four men in my tiny sample didn’t bring their own.

I wouldn’t have sex without using one. But I do if we’re using mine rather than his.

Who pays the hotel bill? If it's you, maybe they think condoms are part of the package! If it's them, maybe it's a case of I pay for the room, you provide the extras.

If these men value their health you would think they'd bring their own, but many have their head in the sand re STIs.

Condoms offer considerable protection against STIs, but not 100% protection, particularly against skin-skin infections like herpes or HPV. To be honest, I'd be reluctant to shag someone who neglects to bring a condom on a hookup, even with a condom that I'd brought myself, on the basis that they're likely having unprotected sex on other hookups and are thus more of a risk.

They are probably all married and don't want to risk their wife finding them. You see the 'found condoms in husbands drawer, wallet, car etc posts a lot on mumsnet!

When one sees condom testing and how massively condoms stretch to, even Pete Steele ( Type O negative) sized penises can easily use condoms.

My friend’s ex husband, whilst still married to her, was having a prolific number hook ups wtih women. He lied to her, but also to the women he met. Claimed to be single, no kids etc. She had no idea and he was doing it, and it was all the time they were dating, and married for 23 years before she found out.

He hated wearing condoms, was paranoid about her finding evidence so never bought any. No one had a clue he was such a serial shagger. Well paid and respected career, supposedly loving and faithful husband. Good Dad to their kids.
She found out when she got herpes from him. Her world fell apart, she had to go through HIV testing. Thanks to his brother siding with my friend (brother found out at the same time) she learnt that her ex had fathered at least 4 kids that he knew of in that time, and had ghosted the mothers as he used false names and wasn’t local when he was shagging around (travelled a lot for work). She also found out he went to Thailand on multiple occasions he was supposed to be at conferences, so goodness knows how many people he had sex with without condoms. She said she was “lucky to just have herpes”.

Devasted her and both families. His family are NC with him. Their children now late teens are also NC.
All for sex.

I've got a couple of questions on this actually...

Firsly, wouldn't that be a discussion beforehand? I'd say it's easier to talk about soemthing like this the day before and set the boundaries, as opposed to try do it in the moment. It can either get very passionate very quickly and can be tempting to go without, or (even though everyone is an adult!) neither party puts their foot down in the moment because of embarrassment etc. I wouldn't really want to be having this conversation when I'm halfway through undressing someone - thus, discussion over text a few days before. Haven't these guys who have tried to go without asked anything about your birth control situation? That seems a bit insane to me.

However... Last time I really had sex with more than one person over a few years was around 2010, and EVERYONE used condoms then. EVERYONE. Is that an age thing, that people don't care in their 30s and 40s?

Also... Is that a British guy thing to some degree? I have a few close male friends who I'd discuss dating and relationships with, British, 30s and 40s. They go 'I would usually go without'. Me: 'What, even in a one night stand?' Him: 'Yes, a bit stupid, I know, but yes I probably would'. A girlfriend of mine says most of the sex she's had, the pullout 'method' has been used!

Sex ed and talk about STDs was very full-on when I was growing up in the 2000s, so it never entered my head that people/men do this regularly. HIV was a big topic back then and let's be honest, nobody wants to chance it with HIV.

Having said this, I've dated foreign men and British men 50/50. I've noticed that foreign men always, always use a condom, even in long-term relationships for quite a while until tests and contraception is mutually agreed. The sample of British men however... with the exception of 1 (ONE!), they've tried to go without before being firmly informed otherwise.

Discuss.

Gross

IME most men don’t supply the condoms - they expect women to be on contraception and take their chances re STI’s.

But I do agree OP. The men who I’ve had the best time with has brought their own condoms. Probably because it shows a bit of respect for everyone’s sexual health and some maturity re contraception.

Op clearly states she's divorced.

This

The kind of guy who wants to go meet women for sex in hotels isn't typically one who behaves like a real gent, so I'm kind of surprised you expected any more

If that was me op ,I'd be insisting on using condoms I'd bought being used anyway
I wouldn't trust one of those weird fuckers not to sabotage one they brought

Perhaps they do not realise catching genital warts HIV virus hep b and c and several stis is more common than they might think!

As if he will bring one! It's shag on so hopefully he can persuade you not to worry. He will pull out or some other untruth.

I do think men who use condoms routinely are good at sex- none of the silliness around condoms making them go “ Floppy” or not fitting!

They'd more likely assume the woman is on the pill and that they're more likely to be the ones bringing and spreading the STI than the ones getting it. The bareback hotel shag is much more in line with these kind of guys' fantasies than a responsible mature ONS. I'm surprised any of them have brought condoms tbh, but glad that OP has and that they've gone along with it.

On a thread about sexual safety, you saw fit to ask that?

Guessing you're probably one of the condomless chancers we're complaining about.

Just out of curiosity op
Why not just buy a really good vibrator ?
I can't imagine your getting an orgasm every time ,I can't imagine they care enough to make you come ,
so what's the point ,if you don't come every time .
If I wasn't married,and didn't have to have sex ,I'd just buy a vibrator and be much happier.
I'd don't mean I'm being forced to have sex..but you have to make the effort and all that when your married

It's a 50/50 responsibility so would expect you both to have them.

Yes, both should have them. But there is an old nautical saying-"Here lies the body of Harold Hay, who insisted on his right of way."

Because i enjoy sex. The anticipation, the excitement, the physical sensation, pleasing someone else. And also the naughtiness and the memories afterwards.

There is also an element of risk that I find enjoyable in hookups. But what I don’t enjoy is overdoing that risk in terms of STIs and pregnancy, which is why condoms are essential. I can absolutely understand other people having a range of views on all the above but not on the condoms thing, hence my post.

What I do / don’t do alone is neither here nor there.