To expect men to bring condoms

[Dockofthebaobun]

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

I don’t think that the type of man who meets a random woman in a hotel for sex would be bothered about taking a condom. It all sounds so seedy and dangerous.

OP - nothing wrong in what you’re doing - I’ve been doing the same thing for a couple of years - I always take condoms - met around 6 - 3 of which I’m still in contact with as friends - no 7 has resulted in a relationship which I wasn’t expecting nor was looking for - you just never know - some also had condoms, some not - you make your own rules. None of the men I have met have been nutters - just normal people who just want flesh on flesh fun - enjoy. When how do some on here decide to have unprotected sex?

Women who are attacked or raped are never at fault. The perpetrator is solely to blame.

Are women who get beaten up or murdered by their partner to blame? After all as women we know our partners and ex partners pose the most significant risk to us. So should women who are married to domestic abusers be considered culpable?

What a disgusting comment to make, you really ought to be ashamed of yourself. Your misogyny drips from your post.

Casual sex may not be your thing. But the OP likes it and that doesn't mean she deserves to be attacked or would be in any way culpable if she was.

I am going to go against the grain here as a woman on Mumsnet, and say that the OP @Dockofthebaobun has written a brilliant thread.

I think it is disgusting that she is being shamed and goaded by dozens of women on here. People openly calling the OP 'loose' and 'reckless' for wanting to have casual sex after divorce, and wanting men to proactively take responsibility upfront for safety.

I know why so many of you are shaming her though, and urgently claiming that everyone she sleeps with is "married".

It is because so many poster on here have openly said in the past that they feel a good book and a glass of wine is preferable to time with their partner.

It is the cry of those who are afraid that women like the OP exist. Women like us who love sex and are confident enough to say that.

I wish more Mumsnetters would just be honest - they don't like women who openly admit they want sex.

They would prefer we all roll our eyes after 40 years old and say "I can't stand any more of this huffing and puffing nonsense" and hope to god their husbands suddenly, miraculously feel the same way...

There's nothing more feared in female society it seems, than a peer who exudes sexuality. We need to do better. 'Slut-shaming' or equivalent just serves to make you look horribly insecure.

This - i’m 67 and still going strong unashamedly!

I'm really not sure why anyone with genuine concerns about STIs would indulge in casual sex.

I totally agree with you op, they should bring their own. Nothing wrong at all with what you do op, you bloody well enjoy it. it’s not the 1950’s women are allowed to enjoy sex

I don't think there's anything wrong with what OP's doing - if she wants to meet men for sex that's entirely her prerogative. No judgement here.

Just that one might just assume that someone with such a casual approach to sex, wouldn't necessarily have concern for STIs high up on their agenda.

No. In the op she says he didn’t have condoms so they used hers. My point is not that she should have condoms. It’s that she shouldn’t even consider using the bloke’s condoms.

Op, there seems to be such a lack of use of condoms nowadays. It blows my brain. My eldest daughter told me people just don't use them. She's had chlamydia twice and gonorrhea as a result, and still won't insist on them. So I reckon it is a lack of care regarding their sexual health and it's prevalent. Std's are on the increase as a result. I reckon they just believed you likely wouldn't use one.

You go girl! 👩‍❤️‍👩 🛌

She's right to use hers - but they should be caring enough about themselves to bring their own in case she didn't. But they don't. Everyone in these situations should be thinking of their own health, it shouldn't just be down to the woman. It should be a discussion about whose condoms to use, not whether to use them at all.

Not really.

Most women spend more time with men they know rather than random sex partners, so the latter don't figure heavily when they are abused.

But if you look at women who do hook up with random men - namely prostitutes - they are far, far more likely to be subjected to violence.

Hookups like the OP is involved in might be slightly safer where there isn't money involved, but they are closer to the situation of a prostitute than a woman with a man she's had a chance to get to know.

I think a lot of women don't understand how men see sex.

Look at the prevalence of STI in the gay community. Yes, not all gay men. But compared to women, or straight men (who have to find women to have sex with) gay men have far, far, far more casual sex. Like, the numbers are hugely disproportionate. And since the blip caused by people being afraid of AIDS the use of condoms has tanked in that group.

Many men just don't think about it the same way.

Some of course are different. But if you are meeting people randomly all you are getting is a statistical sample. It's chance whether you meet a guy that cares about getting, or giving you, an STI.

The men should be providing condoms as they know which ones fit them the best, as they are all slightly different.

I'm very blunt when I'm on Fab. I ask beforehand which brand of condom they use. If they hum and haw or say "any" then I don't meet them as it means they don't take seriously the need for properly well fitting condoms. There are also a couple of brands that I would never, ever, ever use as they're shit.

Surely the entire period of human history has demonstrated pretty emphatically that it’s not weird for men or women to enjoy casual sex.

anyway, my question is doesn’t it give you the ick when they say blankly erm no why didn’t bring them? Don’t you think ‘well do I look like your mum?!’ I think I’d have a ‘can’t buy your own condoms like a grown up? sorry I only sleep with men who bring condoms’ rule!

Well yes. That’s not really anything to do with what my post was about though.

I've wondered at times if everything in this thread by the OP is real.

I've never criticised the 'morality' of the OP, rather the risks of meeting an unknown man alone in a hotel.

But the bit that baffles me is how do you know you're going to fancy the man? A few texts and one video call- nope.

The men I've had sex with were not all typically 'handsome' but I was attracted to their minds, their intelligence, humour, the interaction we had - call it chemistry - as well as the sheer lust factor with some.

But on balance, men aren't that fussy. If no-strings sex is on offer, why refuse?

I can't think of anything more dubious than setting up a date purely for sex and someone turns up with bad breath, terrible feet, horrible nails, and we won't even go into what the rest of them might be like.

Maybe there is 'etiquette' in all of this and people are fastidious about personal hygiene but....!

The whole thing turns my stomach.

I think you should always use your own. That way you know they are in date and not tampered with or damaged from being in someone’s wallet.

Surely the entire period of human history has demonstrated pretty emphatically that it’s not weird for men or women to enjoy casual sex.

I don't think it has as historically, except for the last 100 years, women were often left holding the baby.

This. It all sounds pretty dodgy. Booking up with random blokes from god knows where in hotel rooms for a ride. Find a hobby OP.

@Scammersarescum Women have a responsibility for keeping themselves out of harm's way.

Yes, the fault is the man's. I agree 100%.
But that isn't going to protect a woman is it , if she's attacked?

Why would I have spent years advising my DD not to walk home alone in a city when she was out late? Not to walk down the alleyway on the way home from school even though it was a short-cut, not to take lifts from strangers...

You get the idea? So maybe hold off with your 'disgusting' comment?

I've been sexually assaulted twice in my life. Once when walking through a quiet town to meet a date, at 7pm.
Once on public transport in daytime on a crowded bus.
I was young. None of the above was my fault. But that didn't help me at the time.

In an ideal world women shouldn't need to adapt their behaviour to avoid men who are violent. But it's not an ideal world and women need to take measures to protect themselves.

But then they bring them and you assume they are expecting sex..? These blokes can’t win. Just keep some in your purse if you regularly have hook ups. Not a hardship. Maybe they don’t bring them incase it looks to you like that’s the only thing they are after

She is expecting sex! The whole thing is a meet up arranged by them prior to have sex, that is the only thing she or he is after, that's the point. They therefore should be bringing them.