To expect men to bring condoms

[Dockofthebaobun]

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

Well the type of man you attract for no strings sex are usually the freaky creepy shithead type of guys so why are you surprised? You’re willingly shagging that calibre of men.

They do. We’re not talking about a romantic dinner. We’re meeting for one thing only.

This displays a particular attitude to both men and hookups which I don’t share and which I can tell you is objectively false.

I think there are two reasons why these men don’t have condoms
1- they prefer not to use one.
2- they dint take responsibility because they see condoms as a way to avoid pg and that’s a woman’s responsibility.

I think somehow in the last 25 years, the message about safe sex, as in no STI, has disappeared from people’s mind.

@Dockofthebaobun no what you can tell us is you don’t care that you’re shagging a stranger, that’s it. You’ve had 4 hook ups with men you don’t know (and no, them telling you whatever they want to tell you is not you getting to know them), you’ve not exactly shagged the length and breadth of the UK to be able to tell us all these men are decent upstanding citizens and the same with all the rest that enjoy hookups in hotels with strangers.

Well, that's up to them. They are not your responsibility. You should be aware that there are some folk who like to pass on their STIs - bizarre, but true.

Tell them before you meet up that they must have condoms. If you're inviting them back to your place, you provide.

Honestly, do you actually get anything out of these 'hook-ups' ?

I’m afraid that’s not how proving arguments works. There are plenty probably lots of horrid men who are ‘freaky creepy shithead types.’ But I wouldn’t shag them, and not all people who enjoy casual sex are like that.

Is it false though...........?

But you know naff-all about them. Literally nothing. You cannot say that they these men are not freaky shitheads, and utter weirdos. You don't know what can happen in that hotel room. You are putting yourself in danger every time you lock yourself into a hotel room with some random bloke off the internet.

The whole set-up sounds rather transactional, a bit like paid sex work, and I believe it’s the women who provide the condoms in those situations. So maybe that’s how the men view the situation.

It's entirely different to paid sex work. With sex work women don't generally have a choice about who they have sex with, what they do or whether or not they actually want sex. They're also getting paid.

Women put themselves in danger in LTR relationships with abusive guys. Women marry men who they think they know and discover that they're freaky shitheads and utter weirdos. There are always risks and it's not like this is news to the OP, but she's actually living this life and more aware of it than most here who haven't and would never get involved in such things, as evidenced by:

Honestly, do you actually get anything out of these 'hook-ups' ?

Obviously she does or she wouldn't be doing them.

It’s not true to say I know naff all about them. I know enough about them to enable me to use my agency to assess the risk of hooking up with them.

It saddens me that I seem to have to justify my desire for casual sex.

Yes there are bad people in the world. Yes my activities are not risk free. But to cast all men who do what I also do as creepy and weird is wrong. And to suggest that I am incapable as a woman of behaving in a way that I consider acceptably risky is both disempowering and rude. I take the precautions I consider appropriate in exchange for the reward I want.

Not if you actually read the OP!

'since my divorce'

I'm genuinely surprised at the judgemental tone of some of these responses.

Props to the OP for replying so calmly and maturely to some very goady comments.

I've never had an ONS, but men 100% should have condoms on them. Are they being tight arsed? Are they being irresponsible with their health all for "more feeling"? Who knows. It would be a huge turn-off.
I have often heard "she got herself pregnant," said by males and females, so perhaps preventing babies (and sti) is seen as a woman's job? As if we didn't bloody have enough on our plates already!

Good point.

Those who fail to bring them are riskier. Though in practice I'd rather control the quality/integrity of the condoms by supplying them.

Most men hate condoms. For casual hook ups, STI's are something they think happen to women and have no responsibility for.

Tell them up front you expect to bring condoms if you're comfortable with the casual sex hook up. If you don't want to give false expectations the date could end with sex, buy condoms yourself.

Unfortunately, as women, we always end up paying more for sex protection.

suggests two things to me; either they are 'playing away from home' so firstly are maybe their partner to be using the Pill etc being long term dont use condoms so are out of practise or dont want to buy them to risk their partner finding them
or b have been out of the game for a while so have forgotten the rules of hooking up

They are going to a hotel purely to have sex. They know.

@Dockofthebaobun I take the precautions I consider appropriate in exchange for the reward I want

So do all of your casual hook-ups, just that some of them aren't interested in the same precautions. Presumably that is their choice using a similar 'risk analysis' as your own: surely it's horses for courses. If you don't want folk questioning your choices, then the shags should expect the same courtesy.

Just out of interest, and of course you don't have to answer, but what is the reward you want?

This has really annoyed me actually. You’re one step away from blaming me if I got attacked by a man in a hotel room. ‘Well, you knew naff all about him so what did you expect…?’

Oh, I’m not. I knew it would come up almost blaming OP if a man decides to cheat on his partner too.

They probably don’t carry condoms because they don’t want to have to explain to their wives when they find said condoms.

Well @DoIWantTo you’re telling us that they’re the freaky creepy shithead type of guys, and I’m presuming you haven’t ’shagged the length and breadth of the U.K. to be able to tell us that’ either, so do we believe the op, who is the one having these casual encounters or you, who clearly has a judgemental attitude towards them? Hmmm, tough choice 🙄

edited for typo