To expect men to bring condoms

[Dockofthebaobun]

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

I think you meant to quote someone else here because your question is a non sequitur to my statement.

I would assume because OP insists on using a condom and they don’t.

Completely agree. There are some very bitter and hurt people on certain sections of this site

OP has never once said or implied that there’s no risk. She has taken some precautions she feels comfortable with, more than many others do when they meet a guy at a bar and go back to his place full of alcohol for sex.

I would think it's safer to use your own any way OP.

This.

Stating the obvious here but: you could both get yourselves tested and share the certificates. Then you would have an idea whether you have STIs.

Very good point! OP describes 'hook ups', is that how the meetings were described? If not, maybe the men weren't expecting to have sex on the first date?

Me neither

Spot on

I thought this too. I saw the word promiscuity used and thought I'd been transported back to 1950.

Very poor on their part. Unacceptable for a pre-arranged shag.

Have you not read the thread? They meet at hotels purely to have sex. They were definitely expecting it.

Thanks for clarification

You can't be too safe. Just ask Sir Paul Condom, former head of the metropolitan police.

All the guys I have ever met for sex or when there was an understanding that sex is likely to happen, have always brought condoms with them. I, of course, always have them too. So I am quite surprised that most of these men say they've forgotten. Usually men carry some, even if they know there is a slight chance of sex. Perhaps you need to specify in your conversations with them that you will only have protected sex. So if anyone wants otherwise, you don't even have to meet them.

Gross. God only knows where they’ve been poking it, bareback.
Condoms don’t protect you from warts or herpes either. I wouldn’t be risking my health with these “shags”, but then I’ve never had a ONS anyway.

Given it's estimated that 50% of people cheat at some point, and I know lots and lots of men who cheat on their partners with sex workers on lads hols, business trips, sports trips etc etc .... I wouldn't be so smug about the reliability of avoiding stds by avoiding one night stands.

The very serious std tests would only be totally reliable for several weeks (months even) before they were done because of how long antibodies take to turn up.

Good point.

They could find anything the woman supplies uncomfortable etc for them personally.

I think they're chancing it (for unprotected sex) anyway.

You didn't say you were proud of having casual sex. But you did say "I have a few glorious, memorable years of enjoying casual sex under my belt..." which reads to me that you are pretty proud of the fact.
As I say you are perfectly entitled to your opinion and have every right to express it. But I get really fed up of this jibe of " pearl clutching" , and also the accusations of being " judgemental", aimed at posters who have a different point of view.

Sure, but these guys are randoms turning up hoping to ride bareback. That’s why no condoms. Obviously. So by very definition the sort of man whose agreeing to have sex with her, are not the the sort who are bothered by her or her pleasure. If they were they’d have condoms and not even consider bareback.

Some comments have been judgemental. Of course people are going to point that out.

The irony is that you're complaining that these men aren't behaving well. 75% of them don't arrive with a condom.

So your strategy of meeting men this way isn't all plain sailing.

If it was, there'd be no thread.

There may be a jump between not bringing condoms for prearranged sex, and becoming unpleasant or aggressive. Nothing necessarily bad enough to warrant arrest or a conviction but just unpleasant and uncaring. And where you feel unsafe. I doubt many women take that risk 'just' for a ONS.

3 out of the 4 aren't the 'good guys' you thought from your brief pre-meeting interactions.

Which means no one can be sure of the risks based on a few messages and a video call.

I've never had hook ups with people I don't know but a few years ago I did have casual sex with quite a few people I knew through the pub and stuff and the majority didn't bring their own, reason being women apparently prefer to use their own which makes since

Although I did tell them they should bring them to show willing . Some may have been trying in on but unless you asked them why then who knows . Could be many reasons

Women have lived with men for years and only found out when they get pregnant and he turns violent that they've married an abuser. 50% of rapes are perpetrated by a current or former partner and 80% by someone already known to the victim, such as an acquaintance or colleague. My points are that no one can be sure that a man is safe, not even after years, and strangers aren't the danger you think they are.

IME, I've felt more confident asserting boundaries with one-night-stands and hookups than with boyfriends, because I'm not risking conflict within a relationship by doing so and have less to lose emotionally and practically if I just walk out. I'm also not going to be blindsided with "I thought he loved me how could he do this?" if a ONS turns nasty.