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AIBU?

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Original poster

In Law holiday over due date

166 replies

scotscotscotland · 12/10/2024 08:40

I am due my third baby in the next four weeks. We have two children already, one who is non-verbal and has autism. my in-laws are usually quite good at doing the odd bit of babysitting for us and are really good at dealing with the needs of our son and being able to keep him calm as they know him well. Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour especially as I labour very very quickly and they are only in the next town over.

However, we found out two weeks ago that my in-laws have booked a 14 day holiday away over my due date. I am furious because they didn’t even consider us when making this decision. By their own words they “didn’t even think of that”.

This has left us with very few options for when I go into labour. We have lovely friends who have offered to come but coordinating who is available on what day and when could be problematic. They also are lovely people but none of them are really used to looking after our kids and especially dealing with the needs of our youngest and understanding his non-verbal communications. My in-laws really are our only “village” and we are feeling very let down.

Their response was that my Mum, who already cares for my sisters kids through the week as well as my elderly father, should travel the 8 hours up here and stay for the two weeks incase I go into labour and they are not accepting that this has never been the plan, nor really can be due to her responsibilities.

To make it even worse, they are both retiring within the next 6 months and therefore could take a holiday at any time, why on earth are they doing it now? We feel so far down their list of priorities and I’m trying to rationalise how this is not just an incredibly selfish and hurtful move from them.

OP posts:
Orrinocc0 · 12/10/2024 08:42

That was your plan but clearly not theirs. Had you told them?

BarbaraHoward · 12/10/2024 08:43

YANBU. There's no way on earth either set of our parents would have gone away when I was due, regardless of whether we needed them for childcare. I'd be quite hurt in your shoes given you do need them. But you don't get a vote in their holiday plans so you'll just need to suck it up unfortunately.

Do you think it was a genuine oversight or are they intentionally avoiding looking after your DC?

familyissues12345 · 12/10/2024 08:43

Maybe they're worried about that expectation and decided to take themselves out of the equation?

Topee · 12/10/2024 08:44

Had you discussed it with them?

BeerForMyHorses · 12/10/2024 08:44

Were they aware of YOUR plan. It doesn't sound like you asked them and just expected it ?

ahemfem · 12/10/2024 08:44

Did they know about this plan?

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 12/10/2024 08:45

You've chosen to have a third child when you already have two, one with additional needs, that's for you to resolve, you can't just expect them to! They already do a lot of childcare for you and now you're having another I suppose you'll want them to have too at some point. The easiest solution is to choose a different birthing partner and your husband looks after his own children

Zanatdy · 12/10/2024 08:45

Unless this plan was communicated to them and not just assumed, then yes, sorry but you’re being unreasonable. It’s not something i’d do, but it’s not them having a baby and they clearly didn’t consider they might be needed for childcare.

HeddaGarbled · 12/10/2024 08:46

I rather suspect you’ve been taking them for granted.

You have a right to be worried. You have no right to be furious.

Dishwashersaurous · 12/10/2024 08:46

Had you discussed and agreed that they would look after yourself children when you were in labour?

If they had agreed to do it, were clear about timescales and expectations, and then have gone back on it, it's really really shitty.

But if you just assumed that they would do it, but hadn't had an explicit detailed conversation, then it's unfortunate but nothing you can do.

IamnotSethRogan · 12/10/2024 08:46

Wow.

ahemfem · 12/10/2024 08:46

Dishwashersaurous · 12/10/2024 08:46

Had you discussed and agreed that they would look after yourself children when you were in labour?

If they had agreed to do it, were clear about timescales and expectations, and then have gone back on it, it's really really shitty.

But if you just assumed that they would do it, but hadn't had an explicit detailed conversation, then it's unfortunate but nothing you can do.

This is an excellent summation of the situation

MeanMrMustardSeed · 12/10/2024 08:47

It sounds like you have been taking them for granted. You had a plan, but hadn’t asked them if they were available / willing. Maybe they’re happy to help but don’t like it being assumed.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 12/10/2024 08:47

Also it's ridiculous to expect grandparents to put their lives on hold because you're due our parents were all still working and DS was six weeks early, PIL went away for a week when he was three weeks old which would've been 3 weeks before my due date

TomatoSandwiches · 12/10/2024 08:47

Did they agree beforehand after you had asked them to help or did you just presume they would be there when you went into labour?

ahemfem · 12/10/2024 08:47

And they don't have to wait to be retired to go o holiday?? What a weird thing to say

IamnotSethRogan · 12/10/2024 08:48

Dishwashersaurous · 12/10/2024 08:46

Had you discussed and agreed that they would look after yourself children when you were in labour?

If they had agreed to do it, were clear about timescales and expectations, and then have gone back on it, it's really really shitty.

But if you just assumed that they would do it, but hadn't had an explicit detailed conversation, then it's unfortunate but nothing you can do.

Yes this. But also there's nothing they can do either way because it sounds like they are just going on holiday.

Sandwichgen · 12/10/2024 08:49

They might have booked the holiday a year ago, before you were even pregnant

KiwiLondoner · 12/10/2024 08:49

I think this sounds entitled but I do understand. You're lucky to have such family support but if you didn't ask then it's your problem not theirs.

Pennnny · 12/10/2024 08:50

Had you arranged this with them or just expected it all? If the latter, maybe they are fed up with your expectations so removed themselves from the equation.

BarbaraHoward · 12/10/2024 08:52

ahemfem · 12/10/2024 08:44

Did they know about this plan?

I know this won't be a popular view, but IMO if they knew about the due date they should have guessed the plan. The local grandparents minding the siblings must be the most common arrangement by far.

Whether they felt taken for granted and so removed themselves from the situation (which IMO is shitty - by all means do less childcare and make yourself less available, but this is a particularly shit choice of situations to make your point) or whether they were just thoughtless is a different question.

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 12/10/2024 08:52

I'd be massively hurt at their reaction esp as it sounds like they didnt say sorry...we didn't even think.

However as you haven't mentioned it I'm not sure you discussed 'your plan that involved their help'....which does change the dynamic a little

However I think you're going to have to go with the "friends will help" although far from ideal.

I'd try to put this one down to....'suck it up' to avoid problems w relationship w in laws as they are your 'village' and sounds like they are normally pretty decent

PleaseAskSomeoneWhoGivesAFuck · 12/10/2024 08:52

scotscotscotland · 12/10/2024 08:40

I am due my third baby in the next four weeks. We have two children already, one who is non-verbal and has autism. my in-laws are usually quite good at doing the odd bit of babysitting for us and are really good at dealing with the needs of our son and being able to keep him calm as they know him well. Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour especially as I labour very very quickly and they are only in the next town over.

However, we found out two weeks ago that my in-laws have booked a 14 day holiday away over my due date. I am furious because they didn’t even consider us when making this decision. By their own words they “didn’t even think of that”.

This has left us with very few options for when I go into labour. We have lovely friends who have offered to come but coordinating who is available on what day and when could be problematic. They also are lovely people but none of them are really used to looking after our kids and especially dealing with the needs of our youngest and understanding his non-verbal communications. My in-laws really are our only “village” and we are feeling very let down.

Their response was that my Mum, who already cares for my sisters kids through the week as well as my elderly father, should travel the 8 hours up here and stay for the two weeks incase I go into labour and they are not accepting that this has never been the plan, nor really can be due to her responsibilities.

To make it even worse, they are both retiring within the next 6 months and therefore could take a holiday at any time, why on earth are they doing it now? We feel so far down their list of priorities and I’m trying to rationalise how this is not just an incredibly selfish and hurtful move from them.

Is this a wind-up post?
If not, just wow. What arrogance. What entitlement

Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour especially as I labour very very quickly and they are only in the next town over.

That was your plan. Had you actually asked them if that was their plan? Why should they have thought about your due date? Why should they craft their life predicated on your child-producing plans.
If I were them, I'd go on holiday for 6 months, then move

2chocolateoranges · 12/10/2024 08:52

You are being unreasonable.

Had you informed them of YOUR plan?

Maybe they just didn't think, maybe they didn't want to look after your other children as they feel it's too much. Maybe they jusy got a good deal for a holiday and went for it.

You need to widen your childcare options and not rely on one set of people.

ahemfem · 12/10/2024 08:53

BarbaraHoward · 12/10/2024 08:52

I know this won't be a popular view, but IMO if they knew about the due date they should have guessed the plan. The local grandparents minding the siblings must be the most common arrangement by far.

Whether they felt taken for granted and so removed themselves from the situation (which IMO is shitty - by all means do less childcare and make yourself less available, but this is a particularly shit choice of situations to make your point) or whether they were just thoughtless is a different question.

Show quote history

I get what you're saying but they probably didn't even think of the due date. They've got other grandchildren and so all the excitement of the birth etc has worn off.

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