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AIBU?

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Original poster

In Law holiday over due date

166 replies

scotscotscotland · 12/10/2024 08:40

I am due my third baby in the next four weeks. We have two children already, one who is non-verbal and has autism. my in-laws are usually quite good at doing the odd bit of babysitting for us and are really good at dealing with the needs of our son and being able to keep him calm as they know him well. Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour especially as I labour very very quickly and they are only in the next town over.

However, we found out two weeks ago that my in-laws have booked a 14 day holiday away over my due date. I am furious because they didn’t even consider us when making this decision. By their own words they “didn’t even think of that”.

This has left us with very few options for when I go into labour. We have lovely friends who have offered to come but coordinating who is available on what day and when could be problematic. They also are lovely people but none of them are really used to looking after our kids and especially dealing with the needs of our youngest and understanding his non-verbal communications. My in-laws really are our only “village” and we are feeling very let down.

Their response was that my Mum, who already cares for my sisters kids through the week as well as my elderly father, should travel the 8 hours up here and stay for the two weeks incase I go into labour and they are not accepting that this has never been the plan, nor really can be due to her responsibilities.

To make it even worse, they are both retiring within the next 6 months and therefore could take a holiday at any time, why on earth are they doing it now? We feel so far down their list of priorities and I’m trying to rationalise how this is not just an incredibly selfish and hurtful move from them.

OP posts:
Mookytoo · 12/10/2024 10:22

You will survive this.

I don’t think they needed to be thinking of your due date … if they knew it. Many factors influence dates people choose and they were not thinking of childcare. Don’t be hating on them for not thinking of your Labour needs first.

You have time to make a plan, ask around babysitters (you have other kids, ask around the mums). Time for the new sitter to meet your kids. I know it’s unpredictable when you will go into labour, but you’ll figure it out. I’m sure many people have this issue, and it works out. Ask around … it will work out.

Getonwitit · 12/10/2024 10:22

And did you "consider" them when you made your plans ? So you make plans, don't discuss them in anyway and just expect the world to fall in line!

Notadoormat4 · 12/10/2024 10:23

If you don't have anyone, you will have to go to hospital by yourself or hire a doula.

I gave birth on my own every time (same dad). Last child was due to our 2nd child having significant needs.

IronMa1den · 12/10/2024 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I wouldn't say entitled but definitely unreasonable! I just can't get my head around people who are not in easy situations decide to make their lives even more difficult! Two kids, one with SEN, a traumatic birth where you almost died and you decide to get pregnant again.Exactly as the pp said above what if your IL's get sick or pass away??

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 12/10/2024 10:25

This sounds like something my MIL would do.

In fact, in a similar way, MIL came and told her son on the Monday that she was going away for a fortnight on Thursday (our first baby was due on the Friday). He had said why would you do that and she'd replied that first babies are always a fortnight late, plus she wanted to look tanned when she held her first grandchild. Confused

I had the baby the day she went away and our son was two weeks old the first time she came to see him (straight from the airport). I was breastfeeding upstairs and H wouldn't allow her to go up. So she went without seeing him.

We didn't have much to do with her after that.

When my youngest daughter was expecting twins I cancelled a holiday which was booked before her pregnancy as I knew she'd need me to look after her older child during appointments and hospital stays - she had severe sickness and stayed in hospital several times.

I look after both my daughters' three children (6 grandchildren) so they can work. I stopped teaching to look after my first grandchild so mum could go back to work.

I can't understand why your MIL would do that to you after what you've explained. It's a time to draw your own conclusions. I completely understand that you want your husband with you.

Lentilweaver · 12/10/2024 10:25

I would absolutely be there on the spot for any DC having children- risky or not- so I think yes, they are being thoughtless.
I would also possibly be a bit surprised at any of my DC having a third child in these circumstances.
I also find it very petty of pp to argue that inlaws deserve no help in the future if they won't help now. They have already brought up your husband!

Headabovetheparapets · 12/10/2024 10:29

Changed my vote following your update, if they’d agreed to the plan them to plan a holiday is selfish & leaves you in a bind. Unfortunately nothing you can do about it other than make alternative arrangements & know they are not reliable moving forward. As others have said a planned baby would mean nobody booking plans for a month either side of due dates in our family!!

Shessweetbutapsycho · 12/10/2024 10:30

scotscotscotland · 12/10/2024 09:25

Hi,

Thanks for all the replies just to clarify a few points that are coming up, sorry I should have been clearer in my post.

We had the conversation with them a few times over the course of my pregnancy and they have always maintained “it will be fine because we can be here in 10 minutes” and that they were happy to cover the period I would be in hospital so yes, the conversation had been had more than once and with agreement that we would not need to source an alternative plan. When they told us about the holiday and we pointed out the overlap they said “oh, we didn’t think of that” so that is where our frustration is coming from.

my in-laws do, as I said, the odd bit of babysitting but by this it is an odd afternoon so I can go to an appointment, a very occasional (two in the past year) evening sitting so we can go to a wedding etc. they do not do day to day childcare for us and I, as I’m sure many of you do, pay through the nose for formal childcare so there isn’t a “they are sick of doing all your childcare” aspect. What we have encouraged though, is for them to spend time with us all as a family to build a relationship with our children but no, we do not place “the burden of childcare” on them.

I think the “suck it up” option is the only one we have left and I agree that firming up a plan with friends and showing them how they would care for our son is probably our best option now.

Oh and “why should your husband be with you at the hospital?”. Having nearly died last time, just figured it might be nice to have him nearby. I know, how unreasonable of me.

The fact that an agreement was in place and then broken is fairly crucial information to the question of unreasonableness in this scenario! I think if you’d included this in your OP the flavour of the responses would be significantly different!

the7Vabo · 12/10/2024 10:30

IronMa1den · 12/10/2024 10:24

I wouldn't say entitled but definitely unreasonable! I just can't get my head around people who are not in easy situations decide to make their lives even more difficult! Two kids, one with SEN, a traumatic birth where you almost died and you decide to get pregnant again.Exactly as the pp said above what if your IL's get sick or pass away??

Show quote history

I thought this too tbh but then we don’t know why the OP had a third. It might have been so the non-SEN child has support in the future as it sounds as if the SEN child may need care.

If the grandparents are your only village OP, don’t fall out with them, you simply can’t afford to in the circumstances.

MapleLeaf123 · 12/10/2024 10:32

Wow how nice to live in a world and expect everyone to do exactly as you want them to.

  1. It’s your plan. Not theirs. They don’t have to do anything including booking a holiday when it’s convenient for you.
  2. You are lucky you have family around at all. I went into labour and had no one to help with my other child. You sound entitled.
  3. Who says they have to be at your beck and call considering you don’t even know when the baby will be born?

You might be disappointed but honestly you don’t come off well here. Make other plans and wish them a nice holiday.

ahemfem · 12/10/2024 10:32

the7Vabo · 12/10/2024 10:30

I thought this too tbh but then we don’t know why the OP had a third. It might have been so the non-SEN child has support in the future as it sounds as if the SEN child may need care.

If the grandparents are your only village OP, don’t fall out with them, you simply can’t afford to in the circumstances.

Edited
Show quote history

No one should be having a child to be support for another child

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/10/2024 10:35

The very obvious answer is that you either find another birth partner from amongst your friends or hire a doula to be with you.

The best person to look after your child with additional needs, and of course your other child, is your husband. I would think he’s more needed at home than in the birthing room.

ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 12/10/2024 10:36

I’m flabbergasted at the entitlement in your post.

Lentilweaver · 12/10/2024 10:36

I feel sad for those in labour with no family support. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a bit of support at that time.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/10/2024 10:37

I do think they should have mentioned that they don’t plan to be there but equally it does sound a huge ask in the circumstances, especially when they have only done the odd bit up til now.

MeMyCatsAndI · 12/10/2024 10:38

I'd imagine they never wanted to babysit and that it's to much for them hence the holiday. I wouldn't ask them again personally.

ChampaignSupernova · 12/10/2024 10:43

You having sex and deciding to have a baby is your choice. They had no say in it so what makes you think they should plan their lives around your life choices? I hope this unbelievable level of entitlement is because of hormones and you're not normally so ridiculous.

dreamer24 · 12/10/2024 10:44

I dont think you had "agreed" though OP. You'd had a couple of conversations and they made vague assurances. Which they shouldn't have done. But if you want help you have to be specific.

Agree with this. It obviously wasn't a firm plan in their mind, otherwise they'd not have booked a holiday over the top of it.

5128gap · 12/10/2024 10:46

Did you consult with them before deciding to have your third child? Knowing how much you need their support and the childcare they already provide? Did you tell them you intended to increase the obligations on them by adding to the workload of 'the village' with a new arrival? Because if you did and they gave you their enthusiastic consent to their extra duties, then YANBU. However, if you just went ahead in the expectation they would revolve their lives around your support needs, then you were presumptious and foolish. Tbh while they may well be truthful in that they never thought of your due date, they may also be giving you a message here. They are about to retire and could well fear that that will mean swapping out paid roles for increasing unpaid childcare, and they could be starting as they mean to go on.

MeMyCatsAndI · 12/10/2024 10:48

5128gap · 12/10/2024 10:46

Did you consult with them before deciding to have your third child? Knowing how much you need their support and the childcare they already provide? Did you tell them you intended to increase the obligations on them by adding to the workload of 'the village' with a new arrival? Because if you did and they gave you their enthusiastic consent to their extra duties, then YANBU. However, if you just went ahead in the expectation they would revolve their lives around your support needs, then you were presumptious and foolish. Tbh while they may well be truthful in that they never thought of your due date, they may also be giving you a message here. They are about to retire and could well fear that that will mean swapping out paid roles for increasing unpaid childcare, and they could be starting as they mean to go on.

This. Think they're sending a firm message here that they don't want to be the default childcare.

autienotnaughty · 12/10/2024 10:48

Yes I agree this is shitty of them. There's potentially about 48 weeks of the year they could have gone

Poppyttt · 12/10/2024 10:52

My SIL has just had a third baby despite struggling with the two they already had!! Planned timing as it was frozen embryo transfer. She was really stroppy when her parents and PIL were away over her due date!!

They have to go over to BIL’s house once or twice a week to “help”. Christ knows how the rest of us managed without someone else bathing or feeding our DCs. Deliberate incompetence, I think she’s a genius 😂

I’d make back up plans OP in general. Your PIL may not want to look after 3 in future.

Ophy83 · 12/10/2024 10:53

Could both your parents come to stay for the couple of weeks your in laws are away? It doesn't seem fair that your sister gets all the help all the time

the7Vabo · 12/10/2024 10:56

ChampaignSupernova · 12/10/2024 10:43

You having sex and deciding to have a baby is your choice. They had no say in it so what makes you think they should plan their lives around your life choices? I hope this unbelievable level of entitlement is because of hormones and you're not normally so ridiculous.

Edited

I think this is harsh.

It’s nice when grandparents are excited about a baby. It was one of the nicest parts for me.

I think sometimes MNs threads can risk being a pile on. I’ve seen a couple recently taken down as the OP was clearly upset.

I get that it might seem a bit mad to have a third child in the circumstances, but it’s not like the OP expects the grandparents to mind any of their kids other than occasionally. If my mother was minding my two kids I wouldn’t assume she’d mind a third but that’s not what the OP has done.

And I’m not one of those people who thinks that granny should drop all to mind the baby.

LG123 · 12/10/2024 10:58

When I was pregnant with my one year old I was supposed to be going on a cruise with my family, but as I was 37 weeks I wasn't allowed to sail - good job I didn't travel as I went in to labour nearly a week before they were back. My daughter was also booked on the 14 night cruise and my mum took her - they went with my Nan, Nan's husband, aunt and cousin. I was the lead passenger so I just made mum lead passenger moved the cabins around so my Nan and her husband had their own cabin and off they went! I was super grateful that they took her for two weeks! I cried, I am not one to be emotional when she goes off to stay with family for a few days but this was two weeks and I was hormonal aha!

I am a lone parent and it would have been very hard going if my daughter was me for that fortnight, I do have friends that probably would have clubbed in to help but I'm not sure how it would have worked as I was in for a week. I am sorry your in-laws have done this, it's pretty shitty.