In Law holiday over due date

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I am due my third baby in the next four weeks. We have two children already, one who is non-verbal and has autism. my in-laws are usually quite good at doing the odd bit of babysitting for us and are really good at dealing with the needs of our son and being able to keep him calm as they know him well. Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour especially as I labour very very quickly and they are only in the next town over.

However, we found out two weeks ago that my in-laws have booked a 14 day holiday away over my due date. I am furious because they didn’t even consider us when making this decision. By their own words they “didn’t even think of that”.

This has left us with very few options for when I go into labour. We have lovely friends who have offered to come but coordinating who is available on what day and when could be problematic. They also are lovely people but none of them are really used to looking after our kids and especially dealing with the needs of our youngest and understanding his non-verbal communications. My in-laws really are our only “village” and we are feeling very let down.

Their response was that my Mum, who already cares for my sisters kids through the week as well as my elderly father, should travel the 8 hours up here and stay for the two weeks incase I go into labour and they are not accepting that this has never been the plan, nor really can be due to her responsibilities.

To make it even worse, they are both retiring within the next 6 months and therefore could take a holiday at any time, why on earth are they doing it now? We feel so far down their list of priorities and I’m trying to rationalise how this is not just an incredibly selfish and hurtful move from them.

That's awful though.

Our DC were the last grandchildren were born and wild horses couldn't have dragged MIL away.

Had they already agreed to this arrangement? Its a bit crappy of them if they have agreed and then suddenly changed their minds with a month notice.

If you had just assumed they would babysit, then I'm afraid thats on you and you should have been clearer with arrangements.

Whatever the reason, Maybe inlaws are feeling the pressure if still currently working and babysitting and this was the only time they could get a holiday in.

I think you need to take friends up on their offer. Have them round to discuss your sons needs and let your children get used to them before hand. You say you labour quickly so hopefully it wont be for a long time and your dh will be able to go and take over once baby is here.

Your mum should come to help. Have you even asked her?

I think the OP is just panicking because there is no-one else who has experience of looking after her non-verbal child.

She and her husband should have checked their availability much earlier. However, it does seem as though her PILs have deliberately chosen their holiday dates to avoid having to help with child care.

You sound incredibly entitled and there’s nothing in your post to say you actually asked them and just presumed they’d be available. Unless I was asked it wouldn’t cross my mind not to book a holiday. You can hardly be “furious” if you hadn’t asked them. You can’t dictate when they take a holiday or how they choose to spend their time when they retire for goodness sake, how ridiculous.

Yanbu to me. I do think this depends on if you actually have communication with them that has made the plan explicitly clear and they've gone against it.

That being said, I think you should also have had a solid plan B.

What if either or your inlaws had a crisis of their own? Where would that leave you and your children?

Even though I think YANBU, you can't make them change their plans and you need to focus more on making a solid plan now.

Yup I know. My inlaws have 8 grandkids and by the time number 7 & 8 came along they dgaf especially as they weren't male. People are bloody weird.

Why should she??

Is there a reason DH can't stay with his children and you take a friend as a birth partner?

If they agreed beforehand to help then yes, they are unreasonable. However, if you hadn't made concrete plans and just assumed they'd step up, then you're clearly unreasonable

Your post is unclear as to which it was

I kind of wonder if they had guessed it, hence the trip.

@PleaseAskSomeoneWhoGivesAFuck

If I were them, I'd go on holiday for 6 months, then move.

😆😆

This sounds like the most sensible solution given your son's needs.

If you had asked them to be your childcare for when you go into labour and they agreed to it and then booked a holiday, YANBU.

If you didn't actually talk to them but just assumed they would be available, YABVU.

Or book lots of holidays once retired and be unavailable for childcare

They are only being unreasonable if you and your DH discussed and asked them well in advance and they agreed.

If not then yes you are being unreasonable to expect something without asking.

Had you discussed the plan with them? If not then I don’t think they are being unreasonable at all. You can’t just assume others will pick up the slack with childcare and I say that as a solo parent.

I think your frustration should lie with you. You can't make a plan for someone else without telling them and then be furious when they can't comply

Being devils advocate of with 4 weeks to go you hadn't discussed the plan with them they could have thought:

1. Scots hasn't discussed it with us so they don't need us.
2. Fed up with being taken for granted without discussion so going to book a holiday to show we are not always available at the drop of a hat.
3. Hadn't realised it is over that exact time as no discussions had been had so just booked a holiday without thinking.

Honestly if you haven't discussed it is on you for just assuming they would be available.

Do you not think it's selfish that with less than 4 weeks notice you are expecting them to be available for 2 weeks depending on when you go in to labour and it sounds DS like they have jobs to consider. 100% this should of been discussed properly before now

Did they agree to it and then book the holiday? If not YABU as you decided to have a third child and will have to figure it out. It’s not really down to anyone else. Can your DH not stay with the children?

Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour especially as I labour very very quickly and they are only in the next town over.

Had you discussed this with them? Had they agreed?

You're due in four weeks, and you found this out 2 weeks ago - so had you not discussed this plan with them until 6 weeks before the due date?

It seems a reasonable assumption that since they said they didn't even think of the due date when booking the holiday, that you hadn't asked them prior to the holiday being booked. If you just told them the plan two weeks ago, six weeks before your due date, then that is short notice and you'll need to make other arrangements. They still work so this might be the only time they had a break available to them.

Wow… There is a lot of entitlement here. You didn’t ASK them. You just assumed. They are entitled to have a life too. They are not obligated to wrap their choices around your birth plan and recovery. They already do a lot for you. I think they have earned their holiday.

Unless you clearly gave them dates and they agreed to be available, I’m afraid YABU.

They are allowed to live their life. They can’t be expected to remember your exact due date, they’ll have likely been excited about the holiday and booked it without considering.

And honestly OP, with a child who has additional needs and having a 3rd baby, you are going to have to find some other solutions. Your in laws can help but you cant expect them to shoulder most of the extra burden.