In Law holiday over due date

[scotscotscotland]

I am due my third baby in the next four weeks. We have two children already, one who is non-verbal and has autism. my in-laws are usually quite good at doing the odd bit of babysitting for us and are really good at dealing with the needs of our son and being able to keep him calm as they know him well. Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour especially as I labour very very quickly and they are only in the next town over.

However, we found out two weeks ago that my in-laws have booked a 14 day holiday away over my due date. I am furious because they didn’t even consider us when making this decision. By their own words they “didn’t even think of that”.

This has left us with very few options for when I go into labour. We have lovely friends who have offered to come but coordinating who is available on what day and when could be problematic. They also are lovely people but none of them are really used to looking after our kids and especially dealing with the needs of our youngest and understanding his non-verbal communications. My in-laws really are our only “village” and we are feeling very let down.

Their response was that my Mum, who already cares for my sisters kids through the week as well as my elderly father, should travel the 8 hours up here and stay for the two weeks incase I go into labour and they are not accepting that this has never been the plan, nor really can be due to her responsibilities.

To make it even worse, they are both retiring within the next 6 months and therefore could take a holiday at any time, why on earth are they doing it now? We feel so far down their list of priorities and I’m trying to rationalise how this is not just an incredibly selfish and hurtful move from them.

As someone that is 'usually quite good at doing the odd bit of babysitting' I'd have no reason to consider myself indispensable at the birth of my grandchild!

YABU.

Clearly you didn't ask them if they'd look after your children. You just assumed they would. They are their own people and don't owe you childcare.

Maybe don't be so entitled as to assume everyone will be dropping everything to be your childcare?

I'm confused. They are still working, so even if they weren't away on holiday they still wouldn't be able to come and look after your kids at the drop of a hat?

I suspect they have done it fairly last minute to make the point that you hadn't asked them with only 6 weeks to go.

Had you asked them? If not then this close to due date they probably assumed you’d made other arrangements.

@scotscotscotland did you ask them about this plan?

@scotscotscotland Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour. did you discuss YOUR plan with them or did you just assume they would oblige??

they are not accepting that this has never been the plan, nor really can be due to her responsibilities.

It seems very hypocritical of you to say this when clearly, you way was never ‘the plan’ either. As long as it only existed in your head it was an idea that never became a plan because you didn’t agree it with the other people involved.

They have no more responsibility to help you than your own parents do and it is very unfair of you to criticise them for having different plans but consider it fine for your own mum not to help, even though the rest of the time, she does far less for you than your in laws.

Sounds like you assumed rather than asked them. Remember the date may be central to your thoughts, it's not to everyone else. Your husband can stay with the other two if needed, it's very common with subsequent children to struggle for childcare.

I can imagine life can be really tricky for you and coming to depend on your in laws has been a blessing, so I mean this kindly given your situation, but I think you’ve come to take them for granted. Because your in laws have been available over the years you’ve come to think of it as their responsibility, but that just isn’t the case. They’ve been very kind and generous up to now so you’ve not built a wider village despite obviously good friends and other family. It wouldn’t be fair to make them feel guilty for not being constantly available, especially when your just expecting them to plan around you.

You have chosen to expand your already high maintenance family and expect them to organize their lives around that choice.
YABVU

Self entitled or what you decided to have a child so it’s yours and your husband’s responsibility to sort childcare for the other 2 maybe a friend could be the birth partner and he could stay home and watch the kids your in laws don’t have to run their lives around you

It sounds like you had it all worked out without discussing it with them; maybe they didn’t think or feel that they wouldn’t be able to cope.
I would leave my husband to look after the children and find a friend to be my birth partner. You shouldn’t be away for long with a third baby.

Sounds like you didn’t discuss it with them. Not their problem unfortunately

Hi,

Thanks for all the replies just to clarify a few points that are coming up, sorry I should have been clearer in my post.

We had the conversation with them a few times over the course of my pregnancy and they have always maintained “it will be fine because we can be here in 10 minutes” and that they were happy to cover the period I would be in hospital so yes, the conversation had been had more than once and with agreement that we would not need to source an alternative plan. When they told us about the holiday and we pointed out the overlap they said “oh, we didn’t think of that” so that is where our frustration is coming from.

my in-laws do, as I said, the odd bit of babysitting but by this it is an odd afternoon so I can go to an appointment, a very occasional (two in the past year) evening sitting so we can go to a wedding etc. they do not do day to day childcare for us and I, as I’m sure many of you do, pay through the nose for formal childcare so there isn’t a “they are sick of doing all your childcare” aspect. What we have encouraged though, is for them to spend time with us all as a family to build a relationship with our children but no, we do not place “the burden of childcare” on them.

I think the “suck it up” option is the only one we have left and I agree that firming up a plan with friends and showing them how they would care for our son is probably our best option now.

Oh and “why should your husband be with you at the hospital?”. Having nearly died last time, just figured it might be nice to have him nearby. I know, how unreasonable of me.

YABU

Probably also a good opportunity for you to think about babysitting and childcare more generally for your soon to be three children. Are there any other assumptions about childcare that you’ve made that you haven’t communicated to other people?

You forgot to actually ask them didn’t you? Your DH will have to do the childcare.

I am furious because they didn’t even consider us when making this decision.

But why should they? You presumably didn’t consult or consider them before making the considerably bigger decision to conceive your children. You’re all independent adults, their responsibility to consider your DH in every decision they make ended many years ago.

In that case you are not being unreasonable and I'd be annoyed too.

I would not have dreamt of doing that in their shoes, nor would my parents. Whether or not ‘the plan’ had been discussed.

But my brothers ILs would have blithely booked, they were loving etc but never joined any dots.

Go to hospital with a close friend?

Would you consider a home birth?

ETA: no , having, read your update about your last birth, not an option

Apologies - your later post has clarified the all important point that you had asked them!

Oh come on! Of course there is a reason you know that!

Now, I'm sure if the GPS weren't consulted and were just expected to be available without being asked I can see their point, although neither mine or DHs parents would go away if were due a baby because they'd actually want to be around if anything went tits up and to meet the baby.

But to ask all wide eyed and curious as to 'if there is a reason her husband can't stay at home is just being an arse - yes, the reason is that the husband probably wants to be there with his wife at the birth of their child. Quite a good reason to be fair.

YANBU. Mumsnet is a weird place. In real life most people would be hurt in this circumstance. And I say this as someone who has never had help with my children as I'm NC with my family and my lovely mil has passed away.

It's hardly the usual childcare need. it's for the birth of a baby. It's not like you're annoyed you can't go to the pub.

It's really shit of them OP. Has your H spoken to them about it? It's definitely stress no expectant mother needs.

OK, so you did talk to them about it, so it's on them that they didn't think about it. I would be annoyed too.

Unless you're one of those 'fourth trimester, no-one comes to meet the baby for the first weeks' people. I'd never go away over a due date or around it for a close family member or grandchild, but would in that situation. I'd be back when I'm allowed to meet the baby/support the parents.

Your definitely not unreasonable the fact you discussed it multiple times with them and they agreed.
i would be very hurt in your shoes and it’s added stress when you need to be relaxed
Of course you want DH with you when you give birth that’s completely understandable!

Your in laws have been very thoughtless I think just keep it in mind if they ask favours of you!

I hope all goes well for you xx