In Law holiday over due date

[scotscotscotland]

I am due my third baby in the next four weeks. We have two children already, one who is non-verbal and has autism. my in-laws are usually quite good at doing the odd bit of babysitting for us and are really good at dealing with the needs of our son and being able to keep him calm as they know him well. Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour especially as I labour very very quickly and they are only in the next town over.

However, we found out two weeks ago that my in-laws have booked a 14 day holiday away over my due date. I am furious because they didn’t even consider us when making this decision. By their own words they “didn’t even think of that”.

This has left us with very few options for when I go into labour. We have lovely friends who have offered to come but coordinating who is available on what day and when could be problematic. They also are lovely people but none of them are really used to looking after our kids and especially dealing with the needs of our youngest and understanding his non-verbal communications. My in-laws really are our only “village” and we are feeling very let down.

Their response was that my Mum, who already cares for my sisters kids through the week as well as my elderly father, should travel the 8 hours up here and stay for the two weeks incase I go into labour and they are not accepting that this has never been the plan, nor really can be due to her responsibilities.

To make it even worse, they are both retiring within the next 6 months and therefore could take a holiday at any time, why on earth are they doing it now? We feel so far down their list of priorities and I’m trying to rationalise how this is not just an incredibly selfish and hurtful move from them.

Presumably if they are six months off retirement they are in their mid sixties. From experience, it gets increasingly tiring to do full time work into your sixties. I cannot imagine how tiring if babysitting is also involved. Also, it can be tricky finding two weeks together when holiday may be approved. They may also have been told that they cannot be paid out annual leave and have to take it all before they retire.

I can't see that they have an explicit obligation to be available to provide childcare during this time. If your own mother looks after your sister's children all the time, and not yours, I cannot understand why your sister could not make alternative arrangements for this time. Or you could have suggested months and months ago that the grandparents shared the obligation with one week each.

I think they may be putting down a marker, reasonably, that they will not be available for significant childcare once they are retired and now you will have three children.

Options: a friend can help out; your DH looks after the DC when you go into labour (it used to happen often); you hire a temporary nanny; you engage a doula.

You decided to have a third child and I'm afraid I think it's on you and your DH to work out how that's going to be managed.

So they made a genuine mistake with their dates and simply didn’t think. They still sound like good, supportive grandparents as they must spend a fair amount of time with your children if they are good at recognising and meeting the non verbal child’s needs.

It is not unreasonable of them to consider that they are only one half of the set of grandparents and that maybe on this occasion, they other grandparents could do it.

Having read your latest post, I think your PILs are being unreasonable. I assumed that there had been no discussion with them about looking after your kids when you go into hospital, but they had already agreed to do this.

Yeah there’s not much you can do op.

If you were hoping we might all say you have every right to make them reschedule, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure you do.

At the end of the day, I only want people looking after my Dc who are not being roped into it unwillingly. They need to be on board and feeling warm about the task.

I think your best option is to find a qualified child carer/ babysitter and start to get them used to your Dc asap. I don’t have SEN Dc so am not sure if there are carers especially qualified or experienced in understanding his needs, but perhaps other posters might know? I would have thought so?

Given your update @scotscotscotland, I'd say YANBU. Very thoughtless of them.

Wildly unreasonable of them given you had discussed it. Your DH in particular must be so hurt.

Have you sat down with them to explain how much you were counting on them? Any chance dates could be changed? Otherwise I think you need to book a childminder in for sure.

Yes it was. But still doesn’t alter your options I don’t think op.

When my mum went into hospital for a week, we had my aunt come as well as a hired babysitter. My aunt was there for comfort/ familiarity, but, as my mum felt it might have been quite a load for her, the “ hired help” was there to do the heavy lifting. Could you consider something like this?

Yes, given that you’d discussed this and they reassured you, that’s really poor of them. They’re clearly not prepared to change the dates of their holiday, so you’ll need to work out a different set of arrangements in advance for the sake of your DC.

I’d stop communicating with them now and leave it to DH.

I'm really sorry and it does sound stressful. However, I do think it sounds like you've take them forgranted. You've just assumed they'd do this, without even asking. You have no right to be furious! They can have a holiday whenever they want. They can have a holiday before they retire. It's not your business. You talk as if they exist to help you out, that they're not people with their own lives and plans.
Maybe your sister can make other childcare plans for a few weeks.
We had no one nearby. We had to fly my MIL over to stay for three weeks. It was so kind of her but we could see it was an imposition. She was dying to get home at the end of it!

Hi OP,
Why not politely ask your inlaws if they could look into moving the date of their holiday. Perhaps offer to cover the extra costs that this incurs.

Finally a sane comment. I'm baffled by the seeming lack of care people have for their adult children, as well as the low bar set for what can be expected from one's own parents? Surely this isn't real life.

My parents wouldn't have dreamed of going away over my due date, they ensured they were nearby to help as much as they could. And I certainly would make sure I was available for my sons should they need me, absolutely no question about it.

The birth of a grandchild is a rare and momentous occasion, not to mentioned stressful and potentially dangerous for the mother. Surely a holiday can wait a few more weeks? It's not like you're looking for a babysitter for a casual weekend away fgs. You're about to give birth. This is all made more complicated by having a child with additional needs who only settles with said grandparents. If you can't rely on your own parents, who can you rely on?

I truly hope that people don't have such little regard for their families in real life. The mind boggles.

Given as they had agreed and there was an actual plan, their behaviour is awful.

You now know that you can never rely on them and that they are utterly thoughtless.

I think that you obviously can't do anything and will need to sort something out.

But your husband should have a proper conversation in which he explains how upset and hurt he is by their actions.

Can you usual paid childcare help, as they are presumably used to dealing with your youngest?

I know you've clarified that you'd spoken to them but even before that I'm not sure why people were giving you a hard time. They would obviously know the due date, even if only roughly eg November or December. In real life grandparents and family think of these things and would check with you rather than waiting to be asked. They must know this will be challenging for their current grandchild who is non verbal and it's odd that they didn't do everything they could to ensure they were there for their grandchildren.

It's only in Mumsnet land that people are expected to just do everything on their own and never ask for help.

and I wish people would read the posts properly, it was clear that they do occasional babysitting not regular childcare.

I'm afraid your only option may be to find a kind friend and ask him/her to spend a bit of time with your youngest so he can get used to them. I'm sorry

This.

Its not clear in your post if you assumed or had agreed it.

Read it

It wasn't an assumption

The OP isn't the one who's making them...

I agree it's a good reason but it's not really logical or practical.

I also have a child with speech delays and autism and who would be incredibly frustrated if they had to cope with the transition of having a stranger care for them, the transition of mum and dad not being there and then suddenly the transition of a new baby because they have never experienced that before as the current youngest.

Not being able to communicate your needs or be understood is traumatic. Have you never had a debate with someone where you argue your point and it just doesn't seem to translate across? That's their daily experience especially with people who don't understand their toddlerese or echolalia or noises.

Everybody knows that having a new baby brought into the home is difficult and new and stressful when you're trying to adapt. The OP and her husband have already experienced this. This child hasn't.

So no I don't think it's a daft suggestion to ask if this is a possibility or if there's a reason this is not a possibility because it's about balancing the needs of everybody in this situation.

OP has said she has had a traumatic delivery last time and almost died. There are 4 weeks till the due date to have an ironclad birth plan and discuss this with the professionals who will be present during the birth to make sure there's no repeat of what happened last time.

The fact that you are furious with them shows a huge level of entitlement? Did they get you pregnant? You chose to have another child. You made that choice knowing you already have a child with extra needs ( I did the same so don't think I'm attacking you for that). However, I knew that it was very likely that I would need to go through childbirth without my husband being there. It was my choice to have another child. As it is yours. You have no right to be furious with anyone. Maybe they don't want to / feel able to provide the service you expected. They are not obliged to explain that to you. Maybe they have booked this holiday quite deliberately because they want to make the point that you rely on them more than they are comfortable with.

Given your second post, YANBU. It’s pretty rubbish to book a holiday after they agreed to help out during your birth. Are they usually this disorganised?
If you have a close relationship I would ask them if they can reschedule their holiday. I know my mum would. If that’s not an option I guess I would start introducing the friends to kids and get them used to the idea or maybe one of the nursery staff would be willing to help out if you pay?

If organising who's available when is a bit awkward is it possible to set up either a WhatsApp group with all possible childcare candidates or a phone tree so you just send one message saying "I'm in labour" and whoever is available turns up?

I’m one of the minority who think that YANBU. It seems an odd thing for them to do. I and my friends choose to be available for when our sons or daughters are due a baby. You just never know how things will go and whether some extra help might be needed. I personally wouldn’t feel okay about being on holiday.
It sounds like you have some lovely friends so I hope that you can make some satisfactory arrangements.

@scotscotscotland You are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

MN is like a parallel universe in these scenarios, as in real life, I don't know families /friends that are so uncaring and unsupportive.

I hope you have other family/friends who can support you when the time comes. I imagine after your last experience your husband will want to be with you. 💐

Given your update with the all important information then yanbu to be annoyed