In Law holiday over due date

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I am due my third baby in the next four weeks. We have two children already, one who is non-verbal and has autism. my in-laws are usually quite good at doing the odd bit of babysitting for us and are really good at dealing with the needs of our son and being able to keep him calm as they know him well. Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour especially as I labour very very quickly and they are only in the next town over.

However, we found out two weeks ago that my in-laws have booked a 14 day holiday away over my due date. I am furious because they didn’t even consider us when making this decision. By their own words they “didn’t even think of that”.

This has left us with very few options for when I go into labour. We have lovely friends who have offered to come but coordinating who is available on what day and when could be problematic. They also are lovely people but none of them are really used to looking after our kids and especially dealing with the needs of our youngest and understanding his non-verbal communications. My in-laws really are our only “village” and we are feeling very let down.

Their response was that my Mum, who already cares for my sisters kids through the week as well as my elderly father, should travel the 8 hours up here and stay for the two weeks incase I go into labour and they are not accepting that this has never been the plan, nor really can be due to her responsibilities.

To make it even worse, they are both retiring within the next 6 months and therefore could take a holiday at any time, why on earth are they doing it now? We feel so far down their list of priorities and I’m trying to rationalise how this is not just an incredibly selfish and hurtful move from them.

Given that they agreed to do childcare during your labour YANBU to be furious with then for booking a holiday over the time when you are most likely to go into labour. What were they thinking?!??

You would also not be unreasonable to be unavailable to them when they come back off holiday and want to see the baby.

Is your DH going to talk to them about this?

They are incredibly thoughtless. I think people would have said YANBU if you had clarified that they had agreed to this and gone back on the agreement .

kindly, yabu. you cannot expect other people to plan their holidays around your needs to that extend.

one of mine had severe ASD so I do understand. my DP dropped me off to hospital with DS1 in tow and went home. Midwifes looked after me. He came with DC1 to collect me after the birth. It's not really that hard and that's how many people with subsequent children and no support network do it. I wouldn't have in my wildest dream expected anyone to plan their holiday around it. Also, DC was 2 weeks early. one was 3 weeks late. the birthing window is huge

Can your DH talk to them about the difficulties this is causing? With a view to them possibly changing their holiday?

I think if you are furious about what seems like a thoughtless mistake, you would be best staying calmly out of the discussion.

Otherwise, as people say, it’s friends or hired help.

Don't think you sound like an entitled brat at all OP. You are a stressed pregnant woman with a SEN child. In fact I think you sound completely reasonable

I would remember their actions if they need care in the future

Ask your paid for childcarers and pay
As you said the ils only do odd bits of childcare
Now you know not to rely on them

If you nearly died last time I’m surprised you are having a third child.

If they are not yet retired and you labour quickly was it realistic anyway to expect them to be there in 10 minutes (even if they hadn’t booked the holiday)

I would remember their actions if they need care in the future

I never understand why this is trotted out time and time again on here. Many parents of adult children don’t expect them to care for them in later years. What a load of nonsense.

You sound selfish and entitled. They aren't they to be on call for you.

I don’t think you’re BU at all and I’d be annoyed too given that this is a conversation you’ve had with them re: childcare. But even if you hadn’t, shouldn’t they want to be around when their new GC is born?
What’s your DH said about it and to them?

And many do

Ordinarily I'm of the opinion that your children aren't the responsibility of anyone else to have to plan their lives around, if they're helping you, it's upto you to plan around them.

That said, under the circumstances, when you have discussed it in advance and they had said they would help, the fact you said that you nearly died during the last birth which could mean complications this time, it would be a lot to expect of friends if it meant a few days of childcare if you had a longer recovery time. I think it's a pretty poor show on their part to rescind the offer of help without checking if you'd have a back up. It's understandable you'd be stressed and very disappointed by it.

It’s such a horrible way to think. Well if you won’t do x for my I won’t help you in your senior years. Vile.

I would be incredibly hurt if I was you. How do you think this will pan out in the future? Will it affect your relationship with them?

So sorry you have thoughtless in-laws x

there is no such thing for children with very complex needs! I wish people who never had to deal with these challenges would stop suggesting this nonsense.

I think YABU. If they are going on holiday they're going on holiday. Just find someone else to help. Not a big deal - they aren't your paid employees or something!

Of course there is!

I agree, I'm rather bemused at a third if last time you nearly lost your life.

Good that you're sucking it up. With 3 DC, at least one with SEN, and them being your only 'village', you're going to be calling on them more in future. Even if you're paying for official childcare, with 3 kids in the mix and only two of you, there's going to be more appointments and such where you need their help. Maybe it's good that they're setting this expectation from the off not to rely on them too much so they can be free to head off when they please in retirement.

I guess it depends why she nearly died though. Could be something they know about so can treat for next time?

Still a bloody big risk to take imo.

Yeah, right!

Are they subtly worried about how much you would expect of them when they retire, given it seems they do a lot already, you have a high needs child, you nearly died having the last one and you've decided to have a 3rd? Maybe they are trying to tell you not to expect loads of help just because they have retired.

I dont think you had "agreed" though OP. You'd had a couple of conversations and they made vague assurances. Which they shouldn't have done. But if you want help you have to be specific. So "MIL, I'd like you to ensure you can drop anything at once for three whole weeks and come the second we ask you to". If you want your partner there, and I understand that, that's how specific you had to be. I nearly died with my first and so for my second it was a military-like exercise. A few close friends and family, and I just asked them what their plans were - day and night. We always knew that if we could t find someone my husband would have to stay home, because that's the commitment you make when you have a second child.

Your choice to have a third child. They are not obliged to put their life on hold for you. I hope they enjoy their holiday.