To take my toddler to my growth scan? No childcare.

[alba146]

Hi everyone,

So I have a growth scan next week for baby. Normally my husband will stay with our toddler but he cannot get off work at all. Just one of those things- never happened before! We don't have much family. And the family/friends we do have are away on holiday. But as we all know, you can't take children to scans, I do understand but seems crazy in respect of single parents and people with no childcare etc.

I did try to rearrange, they said I need the scan in the 7 day period of the date and I have to have a consultant appointment on the same day also. the only other time would've been the same story so wouldn't have helped swapping.

So I thought, it's fine I'll just take her with me, she'll be okay I'll bring something to keep her entertained and her buggy. There genuinely isn't anything else I can do.

I asked the woman if this was okay, she just shut it down and said under no circumstances can she come. I explained and she wasn't budging, but then said she was unable to cancel the scan without approval from consultant as it's very necessary 😵‍💫 I do understand but she was so rude and I genuinely don't know what she wanted me to do (make Mary poppins appear spontaneously perhaps?).

So I am still at square one, scan still stands. I think my toddler would be fine (but again nothing I can do really if she is unsettled☹️).

So AIBU to just take her anyway and see how it goes? If they turn me away they turn me away. It really is ridiculous, I understand with older kids and the possibility of scans having upsetting findings etc. but for babies and toddlers I just don't know? Super stressed and it's made me even more nervous to have 2 under 3 ☹️ wish we had a bigger support network than we do ❤️‍🩹

I can't understand why it's such a big deal to take a toddler at a hospital appointment... I would also not want to fibd a babysitter on a app. Hope all works out I the end.

nhs appointments don't allow other kids but I have seen mums come in with their kids at the Whittington and there is a bit of performance tutting from staff and then kids allowed in.
our toddler went to our private scans and the private sonographer was able to do their job and measure growth with a toddler in the room.

That’s lovely, but sadly the attitude on mumsnet is usually reluctance to help if it any way disrupts any minor plans and/or you don’t really want to, and emphasis on personal ‘boundaries’ being priority. Then you get posters on these types of threads pondering why someone can’t just ask a friend or neighbour.

But you won't get any help if you don't ask around. That's for sure.
A lot of mums I know woukd be happy to help out.

I'm not sure how you managed to interpret that from my comments?

She was told no by one member of staff, the same member of staff that told her that she couldn't cancel her appointment, which we both know is not true. Some hospitals may let exceptions, so it might not be an outright no. Sometimes you just have to speak to the right people. We don't actually know if this is a policy set in stone or not but even if so, it doesn't mean that exceptions cannot be made. In my last pregnancy, after a meeting with the Head of Midwifery, lots of things were put in place for me (due to my particular circumstances), that were not inline with their policies, but they were fantastic and put my own individual care plan in place.

Wow this is one of the worst threads in a while for people totally ignoring the opening post from OP or thinking it's normal to go through interviews, references, recommendations, supervised sessions days ahead and all the safeguarding checks, just for the sake of a scan, which they are being unfairly strict about the toddler situation, as many people HAVE taken toddlers with them.

Christ alive, OP, some people are very much do as I say, not as I'd do.

Ffs, to those saying its not fair on others who may have lost a baby. There are toddlers in the waiting room. My partner came to all my scan appointments, sitting with our first baby in the waiting room, whilst I had my scans.

Obviously you aren't allowed a baby or toddler in the actual scan room. Its a serious job, the sonographer cannot risk any slight distraction from a baby/toddler/child, meaning they could miss something incredibly important.

Once again, there are many posters who have failed at reading comprehension.

The hospital has rules. They have them for a reason. The reason is to make their jobs easier. Breaking the rules doesn’t make their jobs impossible.

Yes, you should do everything you can to find childcare. Taking the child with you should not be Plan A or even Plan B. But shit happens. Taking the child with you might be Plan D or Plan E.

You can’t take a toddler.
Yes, you can. They might, understandably, get shitty about. They might even refuse to let you attend your appointment at which point you pull out a pen and piece of paper and write down their names. Then you can explain fully at your next appointment who has endangered the healthcare of you and your unborn child.
The people measuring your baby can’t do their job with a toddler around
Yes, they can. The child just needs to under control either sitting quietly on their own or safely sitting in a pram. A child’s presence doesn’t prevent them doing their job, a child’s bad behaviour might.
you might hear the worst
Yes. It is actually highly unlikely but I have been in that position. It is tough. I wouldn’t want to be in that position with a child. But then again, I might not actually have a choice about that.
other women being told they have lost their much wanted baby deserve to not have a toddler around
I’ve been that woman. Toddlers didn’t bother me. Pregnant women did. I’m sorry,I know it was irrational but I hated pregnant women when I was miscarrying. And the pregnant nurse at the IVF clinic - she was lovely but I fucking hated seeing her there. I understand the clinic couldn’t fire her for being pregnant but I, in my irrational mind, I wish they had.
Surely you have some mum friends who could watch your toddler for an hour, either at their house or could come to the hospital with you?
Yes, I do. But not many. And I could understand if babysitting my child for an hour wasn’t as important as their own medical appointments, meetings, or holidays, or anything else in their life really. In fact, I count 3 people - one has a very busy life with her family and grandchildren and emergency work, the other is lovely but seriously flakey, and the third is suffering from serious PND and PTSD whilst struggling to look after a 6 month old high needs baby.
A retired neighbour?
None of my neighbours are retired, we all work. I might be able to find someone working from home but I really don’t know anyone well enough to ask. The people with young children have recently moved and the teacher next door would be at school, teaching.
I get it, I’ve no family living anywhere nearby but I’ve also heard the worst at an ultrasound and that experience is not helped by those thinking it’s a nice jolly day out for all the family.
I completely agree. But we have to accept that sometimes childcare just isn’t available.
PS - while I’ve taken all these comments from one post, I’m not taking a pop at you, I promise. You just summarised everything really well in one post.

Inappropriate.

You had 9 months to sort child care. A young child witnessing a vaginal birth is so inappropriate and possibly traumatic.

All you can do is ask more for help. What about parents of friends of your older child? Neighbours? Is anyone from her nursery on day off that day and want to make extra cash?

If I was you I would use ‘bubble’ or ‘care.com’ - find a sitter who you like the look of (and who has all the relevant CRB checks and references) explain the situation - ask if she will meet you at the park near the hospital to play for a bit and then accompany you to the scan and play quietly with your daughter in the waiting area while you have your scan. You can have your daughters usual snacks / screen time / whatever

She's already said that that isn't an option as he's away with work for the whole week. So it's not 'simple as that'

what do we think H would do if he had chest pains and needed his own scan, or fell over and needed an x-ray? Presumably he’d find the time to do this. So he needs to do the same for his wife.

if he’s in UK he’s entitled to time off for his wife’s antenatal appointment and emergency parental leave.

A few years ago I miscarried on the day of my 12 week scan, and it was in the process of happening whilst in the scan waiting room. There was a mum with her toddler there who was bouncing around excited to "see" her new baby sibling. I was in agony and hid it so as to not to scare the little girl, but actually seeing her so happy was a nice distraction. I had to have a few scans, surgery, and appointments, because there were complications. I saw many toddlers (including my own) and pregnant women in that time, including friends who went on to have successful pregnancies when I did not.

It was hard but I in no way blamed or resented the women without childcare for bringing their toddlers along. When you suffer a loss, your world stops for a little while, but everyone else's carries on and you can't stop that.

I think you have got some harsh replies on here OP. Those without childcare shouldn't have to miss their OWN appointments.

What used to boil my blood was when women would bring their whole families to appointments, and would fill the waiting rooms up with numerous children and other adults, and not leaving seats free for pregnant women and those going through a shitty time.

Good luck with your scan.

Well, they can say no to both I guess.

It it’s important to try and build up a network of a few ad hoc child carers. There are many agencies and websites, and you can get people over when you don’t need them so that you can get to know them. There are some parts of the country with less availability but some nurseries do offer emergency cover also.

Well, if he worked for a UK based company in middle management and was occasionally sent to work in the Edinburgh office instead of I’d usual London base, I’m sure the Edinburgh trip could be rescheduled.

But if he is in a senior position and going to meet customers in Japan for a week to finalise a multi million pound deal, I can understand thinking ‘I’ll deal with that when I get back’.

There is also definitely the expectation, rightly or wrongly, in some companies that work comes first, even above your own health. There is a reason that some people get burn out and some people are ridiculously over paid. It is still possible (and expected) in some roles to opt out of the 40 hour work week.

I imagine the OP hadn't considered that. Let's hope she reads your suggestion.

Childcare.co.uk is good, I wouldn’t just leave with someone new though, but for the future.

Could you pay instead for a private growth scan at a time you can attend, and have them print all the info so you can give it to your midwife. They can accept that, I have done it.

If I were in your position, I would just cancel the scan rather than stress yourself out over it, and rearrange for when your DH is free and just hope for the best. Yes, it might be optimal to have a scan at a particular point in time, but the reality is that they will fit you in if you need to delay.

I say this as someone who has walked out on antenatal appointments three times during my second (difficult) pregnancy to collect my older child from preschool. In all three cases, I had booked the appointment leaving plenty of time to collect the older one, but backlogs and overrunning appointments meant I was still waiting when I had to leave. After my first experience, I had let the staff know in advance that I'd have to go at a certain time, and when that time came I just walked out despite the receptionists insisting I stay and magic someone out of thin air to collect my child.

Even if you booked and paid for childcare for a certain timeframe, that is no guarantee that they will actually see you within that timeframe and the childcare won't be wasted.

I took my toddler and explained no childcare, they said that if they started being loud or crying they would have to stop the scan I advised I understood. They were in their pram and I gave them a snack and a drink and had them next to the bed so I could entertain them. It was fine x

I know TA who supplements her income by working extra on sitters.co.uk. She told me that most bookings are last minute/ ad hoc. She babysat at hotels, for doctors, etc.. So it's quite common and wide spread for emergencies.

😂😂😂 lighten up for goodness sake. It's beautiful, natural and part of our life cycle*. My toddler was in the birth pool with me, years later she has very fond memories of being there at her sister's birth. Nothing inappropriate about such a wonderful part of our lives.

*obviously not all births, I'm just fondly remembering my last birth.

Oh and by the way, having 9 months to sort child care doesn't always mean a solution will be found. We had no one local to us to be there to help with childcare, the one friend I had lined up was on holiday and could do it from a certain date, but baby decided to come the day before. My parents live in a different country, and even had they come over, we ended up having a death in the family, so they were actually at the funeral the day I gave birth. We had our homebirth with our toddler there, then after the birth when I had to transfer in, toddler was allowed to stay with me, baby and husband in my room on the labour ward. She was good as gold and not an eyelid was batted.

I think talk to the nursery again and ask to be put on a waitlist - someone may call in sick for example. I would ask the staff and parents if they know of any reliable babysitters.

I would ask family and friends again. Your DH may need to help locate someone too. Make sure he asks anyone that could help, between the two of you hopefully you can rustle someone up.

Last resort is that you may need to take DC but I wouldn’t do this unless I truly had exhausted all other options.

I understand how it can be hard though, we have no help from anyone at all for our toddler DD except daycare.

This was about 6 years ago, but when I had a toddler I needed an emergency ultrasound, it was obviously a last minute thing, I couldn't get any childcare. I was told I couldn't bring any children with me but I had no choice - when I arrived with him they arranged a member of staff to look after him while I had the procedure, she got him to do some drawing and gave him some fruit and all was well. This wasn't a pregnancy related scan though so not a sensitive issue taking children.

Take your toddler OP. Hopefully on the day you get someone less officious than the person you spoke to on the phone. ❤️
Obviously it’s not ideal to have kids at scans for a range of reasons, but sometimes needs must. It’s a medical appointment like any other and it’s ridiculous that hospitals are quite so precious about it.
Many of the replies on this thread are also ridiculous. Pay no attention OP.
x

@DancingNotDrowning This is incredibly unfair. We don’t know what @alba146 DH actually does for work or what his circumstances are.

My DH works away and while he would legally be allowed the time off for appointments, he’s offshore so it’s not feasible for him to “take a few hours off” or “take the day off”. He’d have to be helicoptered off, then have a 6 hour drive home.
He’d have to be replaced in the vessel which means losing the rest of that work trip and therefore, the pay as he’d only be paid for the appointment day and not subsequent days missed. Or he’d go back to a different vessel and therefore a different work rotation which would then throw off our whole family schedule and everything else that I’ve scheduled during his hometime to allow us to have childcare in place would be thrown off.

I get it @alba146 - I don’t have a village either. We have no family nearby. I hope you get it sorted. Are there any nursery staff possibly on their day off that you may be able to pay as a one-off? That would probably have to be my go-too if I could.
Oh, I’m also 50 min drive each Way to our maternity hospital so it’s not just an hours childcare like most are suggesting!