To take my toddler to my growth scan? No childcare.

[alba146]

Hi everyone,

So I have a growth scan next week for baby. Normally my husband will stay with our toddler but he cannot get off work at all. Just one of those things- never happened before! We don't have much family. And the family/friends we do have are away on holiday. But as we all know, you can't take children to scans, I do understand but seems crazy in respect of single parents and people with no childcare etc.

I did try to rearrange, they said I need the scan in the 7 day period of the date and I have to have a consultant appointment on the same day also. the only other time would've been the same story so wouldn't have helped swapping.

So I thought, it's fine I'll just take her with me, she'll be okay I'll bring something to keep her entertained and her buggy. There genuinely isn't anything else I can do.

I asked the woman if this was okay, she just shut it down and said under no circumstances can she come. I explained and she wasn't budging, but then said she was unable to cancel the scan without approval from consultant as it's very necessary 😵‍💫 I do understand but she was so rude and I genuinely don't know what she wanted me to do (make Mary poppins appear spontaneously perhaps?).

So I am still at square one, scan still stands. I think my toddler would be fine (but again nothing I can do really if she is unsettled☹️).

So AIBU to just take her anyway and see how it goes? If they turn me away they turn me away. It really is ridiculous, I understand with older kids and the possibility of scans having upsetting findings etc. but for babies and toddlers I just don't know? Super stressed and it's made me even more nervous to have 2 under 3 ☹️ wish we had a bigger support network than we do ❤️‍🩹

You only get two so not very helpful for a growth scan.

@northernredrose It’s ridiculous that there isn’t something in place for situations like this really isn’t it? There really are people who have nobody.
I had a difficult birth with DS and needed quite intense physio afterwards. My hospital is a 50 min drive each way, appointments were 45 mins long, and I was to go twice a week for 6 weeks from when he was 4 weeks old. It was during covid and DH was stuck offshore abroad as an “essential worker”. He physically could not travel home due to restrictions at the time. I literally had nobody that could look after my child. We have no family around us. Plus he was exclusively breastfed and wouldn’t accept a bottle. I wasn’t allowed to take him to my appointments. I phoned and begged for an exception due to my circumstances and was flat out told “no” as they didn’t allow children at the appointments. I just had to ask them to cancel all appointments.

It made a really difficult time even worse and my mental health suffered hugely as well as my physical health - which I still suffer with now 4 years later as a result of not being able to attend my physio.

@ahemfem he wouldn't be attending the appointment anyway would he? If he was the kid would be going too. OP has already covered this point anyway, it's not happening.

True yes good point

I know, but why should work trump the health of the baby. If the scan needs to be done in 7 days then it needs to be done for a reason. Cancelling it wouldn’t be recommended. I’m sure that he could get out of it if he wanted, if he was sick he couldn’t go. He wouldn’t be sacked for needing time off as his wife has an urgent medical appointment. Men always say they can’t possibly do it.

@Zanatdy it wouldn't be 2 hours like you said though would it? And she's said that isn't happening.

I think some people here live on another planet. Even if the DH is technically entitled to attend the appointment (which he wouldn’t be doing, he’d be caring for DC1), are people really so blind as to how this can affect his career that the entire family rely on?! Pregnant Then Screwed exists for a reason (and yes I know aimed at mothers but the point stands) - employers aren’t always particularly keen on those who decide to enforce their rights to the inconvenience of everyone else. As for Unions, who benefits from these magical bodies that apparently sort all our problems?! The vast majority of people I know are not in professions with a Union.
OP, I could easily find myself in this situation and I empathise. I don’t have family nearby (and most are dead anyway), my friends have full time jobs so would not be available to randomly babysit during the day, etc. Most people I know don’t know their neighbours more than friendly chat and it would be pretty weird to foist a toddler on them. If you’ve never left your hometown and have a lot of family and friends close by then of course it’s easy to get help, but many people don’t have that and it shouldn’t be hard to understand.

That’s awful. I’m sorry to hear that. Have you spoken to your local Maternity Voices Partnership at all? I’m pretty sure that ours would like to hear about it, even after 4 years have passed. It might not be too late for the physio for the physical health. Maybe you can ask the GP to refer you now the little one is in school. Be kind to yourself. It’s hard to fight your corner when you’re already struggling. But yes, the whole ‘computer says no’ situation is very frustrating.

Try the bubble app,or care.com

They won't have a relationship with your child like someone who looks after them on a regular basis. Nursery has settling in sessions where parents can stay while the child gets used to it and parents can ask questions etc... I've never used a childminder but I assume there's also things in place for them to get to know your child initially and then have an ongoing relationship.

There's no way I'd download an app for someone who I'd never met, who didn't know my child to take care of them for a one off hospital appointment. I've only ever asked grandparents and enrolled my son in nursery.

I would go back to the nursery she already goes to and try to get them to take her explaining the situation

During the working week though? Would she not be working as a TA at the time?

This is hard for you and I sympathise but I wish more places considered the dignity of all patients.

My local hospital has a joint waiting room for maternity and gynae oncology, so at my (2 hour overrun) appointment where I was waiting to find out if I had cancer on top of the emergency hysterectomy, I was surrounded by bumps, babies and toddlers. One woman had 3 under 5 and kept telling those who made eye contact, “don’t have children, it’s awful!”

The mums in there weren’t to know of course but I wasn’t the only woman silently crying, and to this day I think it takes a certain kind of sick mind to make those two groups share a waiting space.

tldr sometimes people other than mums need consideration too, and that’s OK.

Hope you can find a solution that doesn’t involve bringing your toddler.

Do you know anyone who uses a childminder who you could about theirs? Some childminders do offer add hoc slots? Worth asking.

I was a childminder very many years ago when my eldest was little, and minded two one year olds/ toddlers who's mums I met on my antenatal course. One was full time but the other's dad worked shifts and wanted to pick her up if it was his weekend-equivalent mid week. I then filled a lot of the slots they weren't using with ad hoc care for other mums I'd met at antenatal class who were sahm and occasionally friends of theirs - word of mouth acquaintances.

Unless it's your 12 week scan, surely the rest aren't time dependent? I'd just rebook for when your husband / In-laws are back.

I missed growth scans during Covid because I had Covid and all was ok

When I went for a scan, there were a couple with a toddler. They all wanted to go in but the sonographer made the husband wait outside with the toddler and the lady had to go it alone.

I suspect they would turn you away.

They will turn you away if you show up with toddler. My children were 12&10 and were not allowed to accompany me to NHS scans. One time I had brought them to one of my weekly scans and they were refused into the room, they were however allowed to wait in the waiting room due to their age.

@Gogogo12345
During the working week after school shift in the evenings when parents go to restaurants/ events etc

You really do need a plan for your toddler. A friend went in for a CTG due to medical issue. She didn't think anything wrong. 10 min after the CTG baby was born by EMCS.

One of my growth scans they weren't happy with growth and I got sent to triage to be monitored on CTG and not allowed to leave until it had been reviewed.

If you go there and you need something done right there and now, what you planning on doing with toddler?

I’d contact them again and explain the situation and, if they still insist, explain you’ll need to cancel and rebook for another day. This isn’t an appointment you’ve had for weeks and just haven’t arranged anything, it’s a last minute one and you have tried but are unable to source appropriate childcare. It obviously is an important scan and you’d like to think that the consultant etc would be sympathetic to your situation and perhaps pull some strings to arrange the appt on a nursery day.

Yeah that I understand. I used to use Sitters occasionally for DS of an Evening but not a daytime scan which is what the issue is for OP

Well it's no true that you " were not allowed" to leave now is it?

@northernredrose I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. I did try to complain at the time but I wasn’t getting anywhere and just ended up leaving it as I was struggling with everything else that I had going on. I have paid for some private physio about a year ago when I had a chunk of time that I knew I’d be able to stick to regular appointments but unfortunately there wasn’t a great deal of improvement due to the time that’s passed.

We have no other children as I don’t know that my body would physically cope with another pregnancy. I think I’d end up on bedrest with a young child which just wouldn’t be possible.

I was told they were very concerned about the health of my baby and if I left it would be against medical advice. Did they lock me to bed with handcuffs? No. Did I get the impression they'd probably call someone about me if I left? Yes. At the end of the day if you're told leaving would be risking the life of your baby you tend to stay.

My friends baby was in such bad shape they required resuscitation. Had she left rather than the crash section there is quite frankly 100% chance her baby would be dead.

I've say in the cafe with other people 's children who didn't know me well on more than one occasion for similar things. Was always not a problem.

is there a parent at nursery who'd do that for you?