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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My sister’s husband has made her ill

336 replies

Setroinh · 11/10/2024 20:09

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

OP posts:
CherubEarrings · 11/10/2024 20:13

I am so sorry to hear this. Not making excuses but could her husband be depressed?. You and your family sound wonderful. Hopefully someone will come along with suggestions.

Almostwelsh · 11/10/2024 20:13

Six weeks isn't a long time to process something like this. It is like a bereavement. I'm not sure anti depressants will help a great deal either, as it is normal to experience grief from an event like this, it isn't just due to faulty brain chemistry.

It will take time, but a lot of time, not just a few weeks.

UmbrellaEllaEllaElla · 11/10/2024 20:16

She sounds like she is in shock and freeze mode. This is natural and she may be there for a while. The sleep is not a bad thing x

MermaidEyes · 11/10/2024 20:20

Your poor sister. I assume from your post you think he's possibly still in Stockholm with another woman? Be prepared for him to come crawling out the woodwork sooner or later. He can't hide forever. Your sister will need you all then more than ever. Your family sound amazing and I think you're doing all you can to help just by being there for her as much as possible.

MyOtherHusbandIsAWash · 11/10/2024 20:21

How long has she been on sertraline? As it can take 6 weeks to properly kick in. If it’s been that long then she needs to see her GP about changing meds. If she’s not having it already she needs urgent mental health support-she can self refer to NHS talking therapies but if she is suicidal they won’t get involved. Her GP needs to be very involved in this if not already. If nothing else, even just some private counselling to get her started. How awful for her, she’s lucky to have you

Workhardcryharder · 11/10/2024 20:32

What an utter nightmare for her. Carry on doing what you are doing. It’s such early days still, she will be grieving for a while

Sparklfairy · 11/10/2024 20:34

Not making excuses but could her husband be depressed?

Who gives a fuck.

Womblewife · 11/10/2024 20:36

How awful. Your poor ds is in grief and bereavement mode and she will recover but it will be slow.
I agree with pp that he is likely to slither back. Be ready to support your lovely sis when this happens.
you are all doing the best you can .

forgotmypassagain · 11/10/2024 20:36

How awful for her 😨

he’s a total shit. Has he not been in contact at all? How are the children coping?

Setroinh · 11/10/2024 20:39

MermaidEyes · 11/10/2024 20:20

Your poor sister. I assume from your post you think he's possibly still in Stockholm with another woman? Be prepared for him to come crawling out the woodwork sooner or later. He can't hide forever. Your sister will need you all then more than ever. Your family sound amazing and I think you're doing all you can to help just by being there for her as much as possible.

Yes, sister suspects there is someone else. Bank activity confirms he was in Stockholm as recently as a week ago.

OP posts:
ChampaignSupernova · 11/10/2024 20:41

If you can get her to start CBT it can be really helpful. My trauma therapist was a huge help in my marriage breakdown but you have to be willing to put the work in

yeaitsmeagain · 11/10/2024 20:41

Was she put on Sertraline because of this or was she already on it? If it was recent it will be doing f all to help her mentally, they don't give you a high enough dose to actually help with anything to start with.

DoreenonTill8 · 11/10/2024 20:43

Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do) it's a family business? Is it the proceeds of this the fucker is living off in Stockholm?!
Can she freeze the account?

ExtraOnions · 11/10/2024 20:43

…he is still alive isn’t he? Has anyone had actual contact with him? His bank account could have been accessed by someone else.

Setroinh · 11/10/2024 20:44

forgotmypassagain · 11/10/2024 20:36

How awful for her 😨

he’s a total shit. Has he not been in contact at all? How are the children coping?

Not a word in 6 weeks. The kids have been told he is away for work. My 5 yo niece gets so hysterical at night wanting to speak to her dad that she can make herself sick. It’s awful.

OP posts:
Setroinh · 11/10/2024 20:45

yeaitsmeagain · 11/10/2024 20:41

Was she put on Sertraline because of this or was she already on it? If it was recent it will be doing f all to help her mentally, they don't give you a high enough dose to actually help with anything to start with.

She was put on sertraline a couple days after BIL left

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 11/10/2024 20:45

ExtraOnions · 11/10/2024 20:43

…he is still alive isn’t he? Has anyone had actual contact with him? His bank account could have been accessed by someone else.

Shit, actually this.

Elderberrier · 11/10/2024 20:46

Poor thing. All you can do is be alongside her in her pain, and be as ok with her being in pain as you can. It’s hard for you to see but most of us benefit from others around us being with our emotions rather than trying to make them go away. It’s a terrible betrayal that has turned her whole life upside down so her reaction is normal.

Renamed · 11/10/2024 20:46

Can she move the money to an account in her own name?

ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 11/10/2024 20:46

DoreenonTill8 · 11/10/2024 20:45

Shit, actually this.

Yes, same. Was he a good dad to his kids? Would he have left them like this, and not to contact them again at all? Either he has had a complete mental break/suicidal, or has something happened?
Something doesn't add up.

BabyCloud · 11/10/2024 20:46

She will get through it. I was devastated by heartbreak a few years ago but I’m happier now and she will be too.

As much as family are a great help I think she needs to get the ball rolling as to how she will stand on her own two feet and look at rebuilding her life.

SpikeyHousePlant · 11/10/2024 20:47

Almighty shock.

There are many of us been in similar situations. Maybe not husbands who’ve gone abroad, but husbands who have just up and left and completely rocked our world.
Me Included 8years ago with a 4 and 6yr old.

I may sound harsh but at some point she is going to have to grasp this situation and start putting her life back together. Especially if she had kids, she’s got to be strong for them.

There is life beyond this. It sounds like she has a really lovely and reliable support network. I was also fortunate to have parents and sister living nearby.

I really hope the kids are doing ok considering. They need to see their mum secure and happy. Which they will. There is light at the end of the tunnel x

Itsdefinitelytimeforanamechange · 11/10/2024 20:48

I think it would be very unusual for a loving father to randomly go no contact at all with his children for 6 weeks, without some sort of mental illness / breakdown or major issue going on. Has anyone actually spoken to him on the phone?

qwertyasdfgzxcv · 11/10/2024 20:48

Does he respond to any messages from friends or other family members?

Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 11/10/2024 20:48

Setroinh · 11/10/2024 20:09

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

If she hasn’t already she needs an emergency psychiatrist by the sounds of it and counselling and support and then if not already : 1) police to check the email was really from him or is he safe and well 2) empty all money out of all joint accounts 3) solicitor and emergency court hearing for a financial order interim for her - talk to schools etc 3) move her and the children out of the house or multiple family members on - you cook, clean, look after the kids etc

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