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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My sister’s husband has made her ill

336 replies

Setroinh · 11/10/2024 20:09

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 11/10/2024 20:48

ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 11/10/2024 20:46

Yes, same. Was he a good dad to his kids? Would he have left them like this, and not to contact them again at all? Either he has had a complete mental break/suicidal, or has something happened?
Something doesn't add up.

Edited

Especially when it's been an email, anyone could have sent it.

Setroinh · 11/10/2024 20:50

ExtraOnions · 11/10/2024 20:43

…he is still alive isn’t he? Has anyone had actual contact with him? His bank account could have been accessed by someone else.

BIL has been travelling between home in the UK and Stockhold for the best part of 6 months. On his last trip home he must have packed all his important documents as they are no longer where they should be. And he took out £2k in cash.

It looks planned and though out. We do not suspect foul play.

OP posts:
ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 11/10/2024 20:50

Yes your poor sister is in shock, and she doesn't really know what has happened to her husband at all. The police need to be informed, and prove he is fit and well? Isn't he technically a missing person?

Just read the update, would he leave his kids like this though? Any signs of a mental break leading up to this? Wouldn't he have contacted his kids at least? Something is very wrong here. Does he owe money, and has panicked?

ExtraOnions · 11/10/2024 20:51

Setroinh · 11/10/2024 20:50

BIL has been travelling between home in the UK and Stockhold for the best part of 6 months. On his last trip home he must have packed all his important documents as they are no longer where they should be. And he took out £2k in cash.

It looks planned and though out. We do not suspect foul play.

…but has anyone actually spoken to him since ?

Setroinh · 11/10/2024 20:53

We know he is still working

OP posts:
Copperkryten · 11/10/2024 20:53

What an amazing family you have, to pull out all the stops for her. She will come through, she is probably in shock.

I'm just struck with the power of your family OP, all pulling together for her. many people don't have this, and it's true riches. She will find her way, she will come through this. Look after yourself and try to refresh yourself as well, because it might be a long road of caring.

Tahlbias · 11/10/2024 20:53

Has she heard off him since?

GivingitToGod · 11/10/2024 20:54

Almostwelsh · 11/10/2024 20:13

Six weeks isn't a long time to process something like this. It is like a bereavement. I'm not sure anti depressants will help a great deal either, as it is normal to experience grief from an event like this, it isn't just due to faulty brain chemistry.

It will take time, but a lot of time, not just a few weeks.

This. Your sister's husband will need to provide some sort of financial support in the long term. Was this behaviour out of the blue? Could your BIL have had some sort of breakdown? Extremely upsetting situation 4 all. especially your sister. There aren't any easy answers or shortcuts to the grieving of your sister.
Your sister is extremely fortunate that you are all rallying around to support.Horrendous time

ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 11/10/2024 20:54

Tahlbias · 11/10/2024 20:53

Has she heard off him since?

No, I have took it as. I think contact needs to be made before they can speculate imo.

Patienceinshortsupply · 11/10/2024 20:54

I'd get her off the drug for a start, those rarely help in situations like this. Grief and shock is a perfectly normal reaction and not something that most people need to be medicated to get through. Poor woman, she's lucky to have support.

Gagaandgag · 11/10/2024 20:56

So lucky to have such a wonderful family.
Can you get the children some counselling through school

Thevelvelletes · 11/10/2024 20:56

Almostwelsh · 11/10/2024 20:13

Six weeks isn't a long time to process something like this. It is like a bereavement. I'm not sure anti depressants will help a great deal either, as it is normal to experience grief from an event like this, it isn't just due to faulty brain chemistry.

It will take time, but a lot of time, not just a few weeks.

Bloody hell sertraline won't touch the side's of such a traumatic event.
She will need all the support family and friends can provide, emotional and practical.

Quitelikeit · 11/10/2024 20:56

Has he cut her off financially?

If so make a claim for universal credit, child benefit, council tax discount

Is there a mortgage? Can she afford to pay that?

Is his employer based in the U.K.? If so make a claim for child maintenance

Consider contacting his family and informing them of his actions to see if they can talk some sense into
him

likely he has not informed his new interest of his commitments back home

Itsdefinitelytimeforanamechange · 11/10/2024 20:57

I would be booking a flight over there to hunt him down, I’m not sure I could deal with this without full confrontation. Who ghosts their own family!

MrsLBrown · 11/10/2024 20:57

Counselling.

Trying to persuade her to go on outings is not the answer.

She needs to talk to a professional counsellor in able to share her feelings outside of the family, with someone not personally involved.

The best you can do is try to encourage her to see a BACP trained counsellor. Help her find one?

Quitelikeit · 11/10/2024 20:58

@Thevelvelletes she has got all those things in place

SSRIS can be useful just to numb things slightly in the early days if anything

MoonPieHazySky · 11/10/2024 20:58

She’s very lucky to have you guys as family!

Setroinh · 11/10/2024 20:58

BIL uses a specific software platform for work. Sister was able to sign in and change password. She saw he has been working. Saved a file on the platform with a message, begging BIL to speak to her. Nothing

OP posts:
Setroinh · 11/10/2024 21:00

Thevelvelletes · 11/10/2024 20:56

Bloody hell sertraline won't touch the side's of such a traumatic event.
She will need all the support family and friends can provide, emotional and practical.

Oh do you have any idea what medication we could ask the gp for instead?

I will ring around for a private psychiatrist tomorrow

OP posts:
Maia77 · 11/10/2024 21:00

That's a massive shock. She's grieving and processing all sorts of feelings and thoughts. Could she have some counselling?

Caramellie3 · 11/10/2024 21:01

Is it the drugs making her sleep? One of my relatives sleeps loads on drugs for mental health issues. I would say mental health team. But I think counselling may help. Every situation is different try getting her out for a walk each day. My gut feeling would be change the drugs or reduce them and see if there is a difference.

Setroinh · 11/10/2024 21:02

Maia77 · 11/10/2024 21:00

That's a massive shock. She's grieving and processing all sorts of feelings and thoughts. Could she have some counselling?

We have floated the idea. And suspect she will at some point but right now she still seems in shell shock. Is it normal to last for this long?

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 11/10/2024 21:03

Your poor sister and kids. How the hell can someone do this to their family

Thevelvelletes · 11/10/2024 21:03

Setroinh · 11/10/2024 21:00

Oh do you have any idea what medication we could ask the gp for instead?

I will ring around for a private psychiatrist tomorrow

I don't I'm afraid, sertraline takes weeks to work,I ended up on 150 mg a day eventually and it stopped working.
Dr might do diazepam but it would be very short term perhaps 3 days max

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/10/2024 21:03

Do you have any mutual friends that he might speak to that you can ask them to contact him and see if he will at least speak to the kids

She will still be in shock but you can do some practical stuff to help

See if you can make a solicitors appointment for her

Help her put in a claim for any benefits

Continue to do some practical stuff for her like cooking and errands. Make sure she doesn't miss anything important (eg that insurance or car tax doesn't run out)