My sister’s husband has made her ill

[Setroinh]

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

People on this thread are telling her basically to buck up and put her big girl pants on. Some women may be able to do that but, having experienced it, your sister sounds as if she is having a full blown depressive episode. I had one triggered by grief and it is mental agony. It's as shocking and disabling to the system as a bout of sepsis. It is absolutely no reflection on her ability to cope and is outside her control.

OP, it's really hard supporting someone in that situation and you will feel intense frustration at times, most likely. Antidepressants and time helped me. I only started feeling vaguely myself about 4/5 months after the event. What really helped was a holiday somewhere familiar and sunny-winter weather never helps! . It may be too much now but even a weekend away over the winter might help. You and your family sound amazing OP, gentle hand hold to your sister.

This. Is this completely out of character for him? Have you spoken to his friends? His parents? Is he actually OKAY? Has he updated his social media accounts?

I'm sorry your sister and your family are going through this. I've been in a similar situation with a family member. I know what you mean about health seeming destroyed and looking older overnight. It can be scary and distressing to watch. I urge you to make sure she sticks with the anti depressants, it can feel like they're not making a difference but they do eventually, they are life changing. Unfortunately they can take a good while. We used to look up positive reviews of people's experiences of setraline together as that helped family member (and the rest of us) to cope and have hope. When setraline started working for my family member the change was quick and they began to physically look more like their original self and over time felt much better too. Take care.

Can all the tough love psychotherapists point me in the direction of the research or evidence for 6 weeks being the magic cut off point for getting over life altering/shattering events…

I would be calling the police if he’s just randomly disappeared without even getting in contact with his children for 6 weeks. He could have had a breakdown or worse.

No-one is saying she has to get over it, but she needs to start getting practical among it all. She has a child to be strong for. I know we're not all the same. I have been through something horrendous (more so than this) and had a friend who went through the same sort of thing. I was able to go through it all and be there for my children/go through the motions of life the whole time. My friend ended up hospitalised for months because she couldn't do that. OP's sister sounds like she is potentially in crisis at this point, and maybe needs the appropriate evaluation.

No-one is saying this isn't terrible, she doesn't have to get over it (possibly never will), but if she isn't able to function or eat, she may need an intervention, because six weeks is a long time to be how she is.

By ''this long'' your poor sister is in the early stages of shock and grief.

It's natural that she is feeling broken like this- anyone in this situation would be.

What a complete coward her husband is.

It takes at least two years in general to begin to 'get over' a betrayal like this from personal experience and speaking with others.

Counselling probably won't help much unless it is to tell her that feeling like she currently does is normal and to be expected.

The effect on children is dreadful.

What a complete bastard.

Does the Dad know what is happening? The children need a parent. If mum can't do it then perhaps it's best that they move to dad for a while. The children don't deserve to be the victims in a family where the adults can't get their shit together. It's all well and good calling him a bastard and saying that she is grieving but meanwhile there are children being seriously let down by both parents. If his side of the family don't know what is happening then they should be filled in so they can pass it on to him and hopefully he will do the right thing and take custody for a while.

People try to excuse men's running off with other woman as 'depression' or 'mid life crisis'

But it's always another woman.

Don't know a single case where a man left without there being another woman {or very rarely, another man}.

That’s awful OP. I think therapist and psychiatrist first to get her start processing things, and hopefully slowly she will start getting stronger. She needs to be strong for her children. It is good she has such a supportive family. She needs to do one thing at a time. Her kids must be feeling the stress.

Will some meditation help? There are some good ones in YouTube from the mindful movement; guided meditation for traumas, etc

My mum was left with 4 teenagers; she never worked before. So glad she was so strong and got us through university, etc. Will forever be grateful; she didn’t have the support your sister has. She never remarried, didn’t want to bring a man to a house with 3 teenagers girls. We had a few hard years but got through it.

My dad met at woman 25 years younger. Midlife crisis I guess.

Sounds like he's overseas shagging another woman.

He won't be wanting to care for three young children.

Sounds like he isn't even communicating, never mind being a responsible parent.

Honestly you all sound amazing but, playing devils advocate here, I think you’re doing too much. I have been through not dissimilar but with no practical family support and as hard as it was I just had to get on with it all, for the sake of my kids.

What has her mil said about her twat of a son abandoning his kids? If that was my son I'd disown him

This.

your poor sister, what an absolute cunt

This is true- I had to cope in a new city 120 miles from family - zero support at all and a very distressed child.

One does have to cope if there is no one to step into the breech.
Extremely tough and lonely as back in those days it was expensive landlines and no internet.

Just because Mary put on a brave face and took her kids to school everyday doesn’t mean Jane will function the same. There’s a lot of nonsense here about what’s ‘normal’ and how she should be doing better by 6 weeks. Says who?

I agree an intervention may be needed but withdrawing family support and suggesting this is a case of learned helplessness is harmful.

Exactly. So Jane may need an evaluation by the crisis team, and possible hospitalisation at this point. She doesn't need less support from family but she may need different support from professionals alongside.

Essentially its a death, just of the illusion of her life, abandoment and betrayal. 6 weeks is not that long. She has fallen apart because she has such a supportive family, so she can deal with the emotions now rather than burying them and then causing problems later. The anger will be next, and as long as she is not hurting herself, others or damaging property let her get it out. If this is all sorted dealt with now he won't be able to return, which is for the benefit of everyone in the long run.

You could get her to take the kids to counselling. They have now been abandonded by a parent and currently have a non-functioning one. This will be terrifying and terribly traumatic for them. It may be worth considereing someone moving in with them for a term have some stability while their mum deals with herself.

If you can get her to focus on one thing make sure its money. Claim benefits, ring fence funds, get all the documents together. Find out how much money there is (this is also proabably a lie), and make a budget.

Finding your persistence in trying to prove a non contested point around continued support odd - I think it was quite obvious the comments and posts I was referring to.

The posts seem to say it's normal (at this stage, the ongoing withdrawal should at least raise concern) or withdraw support and force her to get on with it. It sounds more like professional intervention is needed at this stage, which isn't really being discussed. Quite reasonable to put that forward.

I feel bad for the children of course, but honestly no adult should be so dependent, enmeshed and trusting that they are totally unable to function without their SO.

Breakups happen every single day and everyone who thinks "it can't happen to me" is kidding themselves. It's best always to keep a bit of emotional and mental distance and objectivity, and have Plan B, C and D, because it CAN and DOES happen to many unsuspecting people.

Giving another person, even a spouse, such total control over one's mental and emotional health is far from sensible.

She is going to have to go forward and live her life as it is, not as she wishes it could be. Six weeks of grieving and helplessness is understandable but going forward she needs to be nudged into taking back control of herself and her children's life.

I would suggest looking into EMDR therapy, it's good for specific traumatic events, rewiring the brain to be less traumatized. It's expensive but should only take a few sessions and also works online.

Oh goodness, I know that feeling all too well. My ex-h blindsided me completely out of the blue. Of course there was an affair (actually multiple until one agreed he could move in). I lived on protein shakes for about two months. Became extremely thin and ill. I became a lone parent to a disabled 2 year old overnight. She is in deep shock, grief. It's a horrific type of grief and extremely painful, made worse by the absolute discard. She has to pull herself together though. I mean that kindly. I think you all need to sit her down and discuss how she is going to move forward. She needs to find her anger and it will come.

I strongly advise some counselling, that literally saved my life. Having wonderful supportive friends and family gave me strength. He's not coming back, he's clearly planned this and she's got to get things sorted out. It took me a good five or six years before I felt "me" again and I've built a different type of life but I'll never go near a man again. I couldn't risk going through that again. My ex also vanished into thin air. I arranged counselling for my son and he's grown into a lovely young man, but scars remain.

Sorry I didn't mean to write an essay but I wanted to demonstrate that this is a horrendous situation for her, he's a rotten coward and she needs to lawyer up and start making some plans. 6 weeks isn't very long but for the sake of the children there has to be a way forward found. You sound like a wonderful family

I second this.

Jesus Christ that’s awful. The hurt this man has inflicted is beyond reproach.

as hard as it is just now, it will get easier for your sister as time passes but please make sure that if he comes crawling out the woodwork that she does not take him back.

I guess all you can do is be there for your sister and remind her that this is ALL on him. He is the one fully in the wrong and she’s done nothing to deserve this.